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Old 08-28-2009, 03:34 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Default New Friendship Anxiety

This thread is about my reaction to the idea of forming friendships; just friendships, platonic, non sexual, friends. I'm not looking to be retrained or debated but to stimulate some conversation and sharing.

I have always been a person who generally has one or two very close friend and lots of peripheral friends who are much more surface level relationships. Anyone outside of my very close circle is appreciated as a person but has little affect on me in the long run. If those associations end due to relocation or misunderstanding I simply don't feel loss.

Last night while at a monthly Poly meeting, one of my group friends asked for my e-mail simply because they respect me and think I would be fun to hang out with sometimes. She is one of the few people I am completely comfortable with in our poly meetings and have a genuine interest in her well being. Even so, I immediately gave my spiel of not liking to have too many friends, being a very private person and hard to get a hold of. I did however say I would enjoy getting together followed up by instant anxiety.

I felt as though even the simple prospect of having someone calling me to get together would cut into "my" time which is devoted to Redpepper, her family and myself. Because I need so few close people in my life, I almost find active friendships to hinder my ability to spend time with those I love as well as myself.

There is no doubt I am much more open to investing in relationships on a much deeper level since I began my journey with Redpepper. But I do find more and more of my discoveries to be re-enforcing my mono wiring. There is a certain inflexibility in my nature that makes me pause. This does concern me a little bit but in an undefined way..or maybe a way I'm not willing to define yet
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