When someone doesn't want to be "primary"

[MonoVCPHG]

I've thought about this some more and I think there might be a more fundamental element at play with regards to being a "primary partner" to a polyamorous partner. For some monos, and I include myself in this, I believe there is a mental block at the concept of having multiple committed relationships at such a deep level. I can't surrender myself to feeling "on par" with PN. Their marrraige and son keep their relationship on an elevated platform in my eyes. This works for me though. it's not that I am given the impression that I am less important to the family.....but there is n internal sense that I am not. There is nothing that anyone can do about that and it is not a negative thing at all for me. Perhaps for others it would be and so they would hold back.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I've thought about this some more and I think there might be a more fundamental element at play with regards to being a "primary partner" to a polyamorous partner. For some monos, and I include myself in this, I believe there is a mental block at the concept of having multiple committed relationships at such a deep level. I can't surrender myself to feeling "on par" with PN. Their marrraige and son keep their relationship on an elevated platform in my eyes. This works for me though. it's not that I am given the impression that I am less important to the family.....but there is n internal sense that I am not. There is nothing that anyone can do about that and it is not a negative thing at all for me. Perhaps for others it would be and so they would hold back.

i'm not going to tell you it's not "internal", but I think it isprimarily EXTERNAL because that's how society would view it too. Let's say that poly can be accepted by most mainstream people even if they don't agree with it. Those types of people would view a married relationship with child and property and debts as being on a higher plane or whatever it was you just said. So I think you are just subscribing to that. You've incorporated that mindset all your life, that marriage is a sacrament, so of course you'll carry it over into your poly context.

Sometimes you really over-analyze things.

[LovingRadiance]

I consider Maca and GG primary to me, They both consider me primary to them.
Maca is poly.
GG is mono.

However, if one were to ask Maca he would say that as my husband-he comes first and if you asked GG he would say the same about Maca-that as my husband he comes first.

I don't see it the same way-which caused a LOT of strife between GG and I.

But-I think Mono has a valid point that as a mono in a poly relationship it may be helpful to consider it that way so that they can thrive in the relationship.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

i'm not going to tell you it's not "internal", but I think it isprimarily EXTERNAL because that's how society would view it too. Let's say that poly can be accepted by most mainstream people even if they don't agree with it. Those types of people would view a married relationship with child and property and debts as being on a higher plane or whatever it was you just said. So I think you are just subscribing to that. You've incorporated that mindset all your life, that marriage is a sacrament, so of course you'll carry it over into your poly context.

Sometimes you really over-analyze things.

really neither of us over analyse it as it doesn't make any difference to day to day life. Tonight he used this thread as a good reason shy he shouldn't have to clean up cat puke. grrr

I get what you are saying Neon. Sometimes I forget that society has set Mono and most people up to believe that he would be secondary. This suits him fine and he agrees. I don't subscribe to that notion as I don't think heirarchies at this point in the game suit us any more. We have moved so far beyond that now for me. I rely on both men to be active participants in our family and with me. Mono doesn't subscribe to that, but as long as we are getting along and all our needs are being met, who cares what it is all called really.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

really neither of us over analyse it as it doesn't make any difference to day to day life. Tonight he used this thread as a good reason shy he shouldn't have to clean up cat puke. grrr

I get what you are saying Neon. Sometimes I forget that society has set Mono and most people up to believe that he would be secondary. This suits him fine and he agrees. I don't subscribe to that notion as I don't think heirarchies at this point in the game suit us any more. We have moved so far beyond that now for me. I rely on both men to be active participants in our family and with me. Mono doesn't subscribe to that, but as long as we are getting along and all our needs are being met, who cares what it is all called really.

you're kidding, right? about the cat puke? or HE was kidding? no one LIKES to clean up cat puke, but it has nothing to do with a RELATIONSHIP.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

you're kidding, right? about the cat puke? or HE was kidding? no one LIKES to clean up cat puke, but it has nothing to do with a RELATIONSHIP.

I wasn't kidding he wouldn't clean it up, but no it had nothing to do with our relationship. I understand, we each have our *squick.* For me it's snot and human puke. For others its shit... I work with a population where these are daily things to think about sometimes... my co-workers and I have it worked out. I wouldn't want anyone to throw up so I deal with crap and they deal with nose wiping... all works out. even at home. Mono gives the cats WAY more attention than I do, but I clean up after them... it's all good.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I wasn't kidding he wouldn't clean it up, but no it had nothing to do with our relationship. I understand, we each have our *squick.* For me it's snot and human puke. For others its shit... I work with a population where these are daily things to think about sometimes... my co-workers and I have it worked out. I wouldn't want anyone to throw up so I deal with crap and they deal with nose wiping... all works out. even at home. Mono gives the cats WAY more attention than I do, but I clean up after them... it's all good.

Yeah, my husband has it worked out the same way as you do at work. He would be the guy they hit and punched and other people would clean up their shit. He doesn't work with DD anymore though, he's at a regular acute psych unit now, they have like one autistic person. So there is a lot more hitting and restraining than cleaning up bodily fluids now.

I do everything for the cats though. Steve is kind of allergic to them, and he SUCKS at cleaning the litterboxes.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by booklady78

Based on some of our conversations and some of his recent actions, I don't think he's comfortable being considered as a "primary". It's not that he wants to date other people, its that doesn't seem to want the responsibility of being my partner. It's a long story, but to summarize, I was super stressed and asked for an hour of his time to help me with something at work but he refused with one of the reasons being that it "wasn't his responsibility". He's also reluctant to affirm his feelings for me because he's "been burned before" and is also dealing with depression.

I wonder whether it's very wise to read too much into recent conversations or actions. He may be going through some stuff, dealing with issues, his depression, etc., and it doesn't necessarily mean that any of this means something about your relationship. In addition, the holidays stress lots of people out. I would say, give him space, don't worry too much about it, and let the end-of-year/holiday dust settle. Not saying to avoid discussion if warranted, but it doesn't sound to me like now is the time for jumping to conclusions nor having a big, heavy conversation.