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  #501  
Old 12-23-2010, 01:12 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Most times, you shouldn't look for the 'right' things to say. As someone else mentioned, just being there, showing you are a support, whatever his course, speaks volumes more than voicing your opinion or sharing words that may be more emotion-driven than reasoning right now. I think your thoughts should be shared when they are distributed as 'food for thought' but not without permission (basically meaning you would start off by asking if Karma minds you sharing your thoughts about where he is right at that moment because 'that moment' is not always the best time). This is truly Karma's battle to deal with and conquer. Unfortunately, as a partner (placement is irrelevant in this instance), you have to watch and endure that entire process and just be 'there'. It's not that Cricket is 'doing' anything to Karma. It's all about his perception of the situation and how he is dealing with it emotionally and mentally. You cannot say or do anything to change that. That only comes with self reflection on his part. As a psychologist friend told me the other night, we have to learn to let people grieve, hurt, cope in their own way (which may not be conducive to our own methods/thoughts/actions) as long as it doesn't bring harm to themselves or others. I know the current process seems harmful but it really isn't because, ultimately, you both will grow through it. (hugs)
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  #502  
Old 12-24-2010, 06:28 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you. It's come to my attention that my husband has invited several of our friends to join here. I no longer feel I can express the things I once felt comfortable doing. So thanks for the advice and the friendship. I may still read and comment. But my blog is done.
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  #503  
Old 12-25-2010, 08:22 AM
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"Several" being two, and before you expressed that you didn't want them on here, for some reason...

(sigh) you're over-reacting again...
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  #504  
Old 12-25-2010, 03:59 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I can relate to this Karma. Sorry. It's difficult sometimes, for me to say things that I feel because even just my WIFE is on the site. Sometimes, I feel that I need to seek advice from the masses here, for something that I'm experiencing with my wife. Or I'm looking for an answer to some weird feeling that I'm experiencing, but it's a feeling that I feel is an over reaction, and therefore would seem silly and petty to her....but I feel like it's a big deal. Sooo....yeah....


ON THE OTHER HAND.....

Mo, these friends are friends who know your life? For my wife and I, this site, as well as facebook, gives us that anonymity (in a maner of speaking) to say the things I'm feeling and express them somewhat openly. Don't leave the site, but....post carefully. I know I do sometimes. Or possibly start a new account and only let those who know you personally, know what your new sign name is.
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  #505  
Old 12-25-2010, 04:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karma View Post
"Several" being two, and before you expressed that you didn't want them on here, for some reason...

(sigh) you're over-reacting again...

Two too many. I have expressed that, over and over and over again. But we'll discuss that privately. I don't want to get into a fight on the blog. But I would appreciate you respecting my feelings instead constantly saying I am over reacting. Maybe in your eyes I am, but this is how I am feeling and if you can't sympathize I would at least appreciate you respecting them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
I can relate to this Karma. Sorry. It's difficult sometimes, for me to say things that I feel because even just my WIFE is on the site.

Exactly and if I feel that way with my husband here, how will I feel with real life friends here.

ON THE OTHER HAND.....

Mo, these friends are friends who know your life? For my wife and I, this site, as well as facebook, gives us that anonymity (in a maner of speaking) to say the things I'm feeling and express them somewhat openly. Don't leave the site, but....post carefully. I know I do sometimes. Or possibly start a new account and only let those who know you personally, know what your new sign name is.

I've considered a new account name. But it wouldn't take long for these friends to figure it out. One is Panda and the other is another close friend. While they are aware of things, they don't live a poly life, though the friend is considering it. I come here to put out thoughts, emotions, questions. I never really expect a response, but when I get them, I consider what everyone has to say, because the people here do live a poly life, and some can relate to what I feel and the emotions I go through. I can't express how much that has done for me.

I love Panda. But we don't really discuss a lot of what I put on here. Partly because Karma has asked me not to, as he was sick of Panda yelling at him or Cricket, and partly because that's just not the dynamic of our relationship. I know I can go to her about anything, but on these subjects, Panda and I have very different outlooks and thoughts and a lot of the time I feel I am just defending myself instead of talking to a trusted friend. (sorry Panda if you read that and get upset, but it's how I feel).

Our other friend and I just do not have that dynamic. We don't talk about that kind of stuff. Most of our "deep" conversations have been about religion. And those have been few.

Honestly the only RL friend I discuss this stuff with is my brother. Because he is the only other person, aside from Karma, who completely gets me. I don't have to explain why I think a certain way ( since I apparently think differently than most people). My brother just gets it. Even though he doesn't get poly, he does get emotions and relationship dynamics, and does his best to put things into persepctive for me.

I think a lot of my issue with this, right now, is that I seem to constantly be defending my feelings with Karma. Suddenly, the last few weeks, according to him, I don't know how I really feel, I don't express what I am truly feeling, I am always over reacting. Dealing with that with my husband is hard enough, I don't want to add other RL friends to it.

This has always been my safe blog. No one I knew aside from Karma and Cricket, would ever see my thoughts and emotions. I could put it here unedited. And then once I had a better grap on things, thanks to the feedback I got here, if I chose to talk to my RL friends about it, I did. I feel like that privacy and safety has been taken away and I've had no say.
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  #506  
Old 12-25-2010, 06:03 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Mo,
I understand...and I think that even though you have responded to me, Karma will read it and get a better understanding of the "why" behind your request. ?I also think that your RL friends on here, will see it and more fully understand why you live the way you do, and why you may treat them or others a certain way.

So, overall, I think it is a good thing. You should still vent, and express WHY you feel the way you do. And the little things, such as the appology to Panda above) will help to make things better. Overall, if they are HONESTLY your friend, they will not chastize you for your feelings, but may actually understand, and be able to help you through them. I'm sending you some good energy. I wish I could give you a hug in person just to make you feel better. The best I can do is this: ((((((HUGS))))))

I hope your Christmas goes better, and you feel better.
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  #507  
Old 12-25-2010, 08:39 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Mo,

Sorry to see you leaving. It is hard to undo something you didn't give permission for. I hope you find a way to stay.

Hugs,

LMBL
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  #508  
Old 12-26-2010, 01:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Meh, start another name and carry on with this when you need/want to. A lot of us are running into that delema... are you kidding, I know TONS of people here, it's a public forum, they have a right to know about it and benefit from it, just as I do. If I want to ask something private I PM or go elsewhere, or have considered using another name. No biggy, I don't feel I have rights to this place. I just have to be careful what I say... I can understand saying good bye on your blog though... I'd say good bye, but I will talk to you elsewhere anyways.
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  #509  
Old 01-02-2011, 05:41 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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I'm with RP. I don't know all the dynamics of your relationships but I do know that we all should be considerate of the feelings and requests of other people. Though, we know this is a big part of building the balance in our poly relationships, we still find ourselves having to address it more often than we should because the very concept falls through the cracks-sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. In this case, I think some of the interactions may have a lot to do with both you and your husband's mindsets. I don't know if you remember the brief discussion you and I had on a previous posting about marital viewpoints in a poly environment? To me, the situation derives from the same thing. The mindset is, "You're his wife, you feel this particular way right now but you're overreacting, therefore he's going to move forward with what he wants to do because you'll eventually see (or be convinced) that your feelings/viewpoints were unwarranted and you Were overreacting" (basically, you'll get over it) OR "he's your husband so he should interact with you/react to you in a certain way and exclude the people you request whether or not he agrees with you". He did state that this action was taken prior to you expressing you did not want to invite them into this forum though he is unclear of the reason so ... I may be 'completely' off base but that is just something that I see as being a possibility whether it's conscious or not.

It's also unhealthy that you feel like you are being verbally jumped on by anyone or you feel that you have to defend your feelings and opinions. Though, you have used this forum as a sounding board for your unfiltered thoughts and experiences, the addition of more of your circle doesn't have to be a bad thing. It would allow them to see things that you, otherwise, wouldn't say to them in person (online is very good for that) and you can better breakdown and express what you mean because you don't have to do it on the spot allowing you more time to really reflect on some of these things, thereby, allowing the other people to do the same. Then, with member feedback, the other people can also be exposed to viewpoints they may have never considered.

Either way, I hope things work out for you. I enjoy reading your postings and watching your journey. *hugs*
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  #510  
Old 01-05-2011, 06:43 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I'm baaack, did ya miss me?

I've given a lot of thought to things and after talking to Panda last night (I'll get into that in a bit), I've decided to come back to blog. Because even if she does read it, even if she is upset by anything I say, what's the worst that can happen? After last night, the worst would be her walking away, but she promised to talk things out, and I think I forgot that about her. As for my fears of other people I know reading it, ehhh, I don't like it, but I'm me, take me or leave me.


So here's the most recent developments in my ever drama filled life:

Karma and I split from out Darkon Country last night. There was a lot of disrespect, a lot of power tripping, and a loot of people just not caring about other people. The end for me was the vote to bring back someone we had voted out. He did nothing but cause drama, put people at risk physicaly, and F'ed up ppr work so bad I've spent a year fixing it and I still don't have it all straight. But he's the brother of two memebers and they want him back. SO I stated if he comes back I am gone. The vote went down with a bunch of drama, and away I went. I won't be a part of what is happening. Karma left shortly after.

He felt I was disrespected, that they would rather have a dead beat piece of shit than me. But he also realized that there are a lot of difference in what he gets out of Darkon and what they do. He's competitive. He's my gothic jock. They don't want to strive to get better, they don't have the desire to win.


So there was that.

Then Panda and Karma got into it (her husband founded the country). She said some pretty hurtful things, so I sent her an IM telling her I hoped she knew how much he loved her. We were snippy for awhile, because I thought she was being a bitch to my husband. eventualy some things were said and she asked when I thought she changed, when I thought she stopped caring about people. And I was bluntly honest. I told her I stopped confiding in her becuase I was sick of always defending myself, and even then she didn't listen to my defence. She seemed to know me better than I did, or so she acted. She made out with my husband, on my birthday, and lied to my face about it. She hid the Cricket thing from me, she was one of the many who knew before I did and she promised she would tell me, as I her, if our spouses cheated and we knew. She started expecting people close to her to act a certain way, yet wouldn't give the same respect.

She was hurt. Mainly becuase I had waited so long to tell her. But I told her I had needed to calm down before I brought it up, and when I was ready, she was in the midst of moving. I didn't want to add to that.

Eventualy our talk came down to her wondering why I continue to put up with her, if I was that upset. When I told her I loved her, and being upset didnt negate the love, she acted like I spoke another language. Apparently unconditional love really is that rare. And that really hurts, but that's a whole 'nother rant.

So we went through thinking she was the worst friend, and didn't deserve me. Little did I know what I find out a little later, would make question if she did.

Karma and I were all cuddled up and ready for bed after a day FULL of drama and I told him, I always question if they slept together, no matter how many times he says they didn't. And the bomb was dropped. He told me he went down on her once, but that was as far as it went. He told her husband, but yet again I was left in the dark. He said he thought he has told me, and that just sounds like an exscuse to me. A way to tell me without getting hit with lying.

I had a moment of breakdown.

I am SO SICK of the surprises!!!! As soon as everything starts flowing and moving forward, WHAM! I get hit wit another. When does it end!?!?!?! When does he run out of things to tell me!!!?? So I made him write them all down. No more I thought I told you. No this is what you told me, right here in writing. Your writing.
By that point I was so exhausted I just went to sleep. Cried to sleep, with his arms around me.

So this morning we talked about Karmas talk with Pandas husband. More their screaming match, over why he left the country. Somewhere in there Mr Panda told Karma that he had changed. And that it had happened when he met Cricket. Then he said I had also changed. For someone who always agreed with my being upfront about shit, he obviously had hung onto that for awhile. He basicaly made it sound like Cricket was the reason we had changed and the reason we left the country, and the reason for anything else he thought of. Well I've been saying it and I'll say it again. We have changed because of her. We're still married because of her influence in our lives.

I'm still amazed that Panda spent all that time sharing our bed, being that close with me, and all along she was holding those secrets. That really hurts. The one female I had gotten that close with, and that was what I got in return.


So yeah, a lot to process. A lot to think about and figure out what I'm going to do with.
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