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Old 12-18-2010, 10:07 PM
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Polymonial Polymonial is offline
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Default Mono in a poly relationship

My wife and I have been happily married for almost 20 years, we have two kids, and we've been best friends (as well as lovers) since the day we met. Just recently, I found out that she's bi (she only realized this herself about 7 months ago), that she fell in love with another woman, that she still loves me just as much as always, and that she wants a polyamorous "vee" relationship between the three of us. I love her and want to make this work, but I struggle as well. I'm a hopeless mono, and I just don't know how to make this work. Therefore, I'm using all resources available at my disposal: poly websites, FAQs, books, meetup groups, pen pals, and lots of talking between the three of us in this relationship.

Any advise or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated as I explore how to make this work. Thank you.

Last edited by Polymonial; 12-18-2010 at 10:38 PM.
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Old 12-18-2010, 11:29 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Originally Posted by Polymonial View Post
My wife and I have been happily married for almost 20 years, we have two kids, and we've been best friends (as well as lovers) since the day we met. Just recently, I found out that she's bi (she only realized this herself about 7 months ago), that she fell in love with another woman, that she still loves me just as much as always, and that she wants a polyamorous "vee" relationship between the three of us. I love her and want to make this work, but I struggle as well. I'm a hopeless mono, and I just don't know how to make this work. Therefore, I'm using all resources available at my disposal: poly websites, FAQs, books, meetup groups, pen pals, and lots of talking between the three of us in this relationship.

Any advise or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated as I explore how to make this work. Thank you.
This coming from another mono, It can work and work good. In fact it can be better. You are not alone. Good for you for loving your wife enough to start this journey.
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Old 12-19-2010, 09:16 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Welcome aboard.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 12-21-2010, 01:40 AM
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Erin Erin is offline
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
This coming from another mono, It can work and work good. In fact it can be better. You are not alone. Good for you for loving your wife enough to start this journey.
I'm curious... how do you know you can not only make it work, but work good? I am poly in a mono relationship... and I am miserable. Please, share your thoughts
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Old 12-24-2010, 02:35 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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I'm curious... how do you know you can not only make it work, but work good? I am poly in a mono relationship... and I am miserable. Please, share your thoughts
hi Erin, I've posted quite a lot in a couple of mono threads in the general discussion section (sorry I am crap at links and things) But I would point you to sages blog and Redpeppers posts too. Lot of sensible stuff in there.
I would say that my relationship with my wife has essentially not changed greatly from my point of view; I am still mono and I am not doing anything contrary to my nature. We both benefit from increased self knowledge I suppose.
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Old 12-24-2010, 06:19 PM
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Hi Erin

Have you come out to your partner yet? That's obviously the first step. What was the reaction? It was nice of Vodkafan to mention my blog. The link is in my signature. I deal more with the trials and tribulations from the mono side but I think to have success in a mono/poly relationship you need to have a deep understanding of each other.
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Old 12-25-2010, 12:37 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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I would also add a deep understanding of yourself is the most important thing before you can even begin to have an understanding of another. Additionally, we are ever changing beings so you have to be open to those chapters. Your perception of things is also very important, especially, when your mindset may have been more mainstream and traditional throughout this time and now you are trying to open yourself up to an alternative relationship style.

I look forward to watching your journey unfold.
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