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  #81  
Old 12-23-2010, 07:28 PM
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This makes good sense to me RP.

I don't think you are hurting men's feelings by making hem wait as long as you communicate what you're after and why. We then have a choice to determine whether that makes sense to us - based on our own goals, needs etc.

I do have a casual sex bone in my body. So, there are times when I'm full up on the emotional connection front and would welcome a primarily sexual relationship. It's all about integrity and communication.

Patience and time with respect to emotional intimacy is a rewarding exercise.
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  #82  
Old 12-23-2010, 07:37 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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After 40 years of dating I have come to know that it is best to make men wait, regardless of pigishness or not.
So you started dating when you were one year old? No wonder you have so much experience!
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  #83  
Old 12-23-2010, 09:29 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
The same thing applies to pig'ish men. It is upsetting not because I want what they get. It is upsetting because it is disingenous and erodes trust. It is upsetting because it is hurtful.
I understand that, and if they're being dishonest with women and hurting them, I'm annoyed with them too. I'm fine with those who are upfront about wanting casual sex and nothing else.
I was more talking about people who say things along the lines of "women only like pigs" or "nice guys can't find a girlfriend". It seems to me, the pigs don't get an actual girlfriend either, only pure casual sex which is less likely to be interesting to "nice guys" who are looking for a deeper connection.

Not saying you can't be nice AND want casual sex of course.
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  #84  
Old 12-24-2010, 03:11 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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i guess all the "good" ones must be gay and/or married.
LOL Mostly....but there are a few good ones left....some are bred, some are cultivated.
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  #85  
Old 12-24-2010, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
So you started dating when you were one year old? No wonder you have so much experience!
Cheeky. What if I'm older than I say..hmmmm?

@mindfulagony-yes the key is definitely to tell them about what is going on for me I think. Be honest, yet encouraging and positive about the budding relationship. I wouldn't want to put men off, but make sure they know I am confident that waiting is best to see where its all going. If they get bored, then so be it.

Easier said than done though when a man pulls away and/or lays a subtle guilt trip because you won't sleep with them. There's also the pulling affection away thing that I have run across. The one where they are suddenly cold and distant. As if you don't know each other. When someones lonely and wants attention from someone, its hard not to fall for that and give in and have sex. I've done that before and then found after that they were playing a game with me. Really, its best to move on when men (or women really), play those kind of games. Luckily at my age men are done with that and have some meassure of respect. In my 20's, when very few people had had long term marriages and partnerships. I think they just didn't know what that can do to a woman. Either that or they didn't care. I picked very poorly back then too.

I love how I am talking about this as if I were single and still looking. Geesh. ah well, still worth thinking about it all.
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  #86  
Old 12-24-2010, 09:04 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Cheeky. What if I'm older than I say..hmmmm?
.
Then you should pretend you are 29 instead of 41.
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  #87  
Old 12-24-2010, 02:03 PM
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Then you should pretend you are 29 instead of 41.
LOLOLOLOLOL Funny!
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  #88  
Old 12-24-2010, 04:24 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Been following this thread off and on. I see similar patterns in mindset from many of the posters I see posting frequently. There's some strong sentiments regarding 'casual' sex (whatever that is in each definition), 'early' sex, etc, all to me seeming to point towards the same old mindset we've all seen so often in the mono relationship model.
It's this same old thing about withholding sex until some set of 'conditions' are met, whether it's commitment, emotional connection, on and on etc.
I don't mean this in any critical or judgmental manner but viewing it from a distance the pattern is pretty obvious.

There seems to be one concept that seems to be missing here though. Not acknowledged or talked about.

Sexual 'compatibility' !

Sex can be complex and incompatibilities can end up causing serious problems in an otherwise wonderful relationship. How do you avoid hurting someone's feelings, ego, whatever, when you discover that your sexual tastes are somewhat far apart and growing farther ? It's certainly not easy ! All the 'communication' in the world falls short when dealing with fragile, bruised egos/self image. Not something any loving person wishes to engage in.

What's the alternative ?

For me (and other lovers we both have), what made sense was to get as much of that investigated right up front. Yes, you can get some general ideas via talking but you REALLY discover someone's true sexual attitudes and abilities by getting down to it. In our book, the sooner the better. If it's not going to work, best to find that out early on rather than have everyone heavily invested, time & emotion, only to discover we have a huge problem that's likely going to undo all that investment in the long run.

So for those who choose to play around with the sexual identities of people, this is the path you are traveling. I guess I'd rather be called a player, non-committal, etc than have to hurt someone's feelings later on when an otherwise great relationship has to become non-sexual. Unless of course that's the agreed upon 'norm' from the beginning. Then it's all different.

GS
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  #89  
Old 12-24-2010, 07:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I agree with you to some extent, GS, but I need to have that connection to be able to trust people sexually. So any fantasy or exploring can only happen after that too.
I guess it would be hard to have to end it, but if you're not compatible in one way, it makes sense ending it. I'm not convinced it makes a huge difference if you first "check" if you're compatible sexually or emotionally, provided you can do it in either order.

However some people are more comfortable one way or the other. But that's part of finding a compatible partner too, really, finding someone that does things in the same order you do (or is fine with it).
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  #90  
Old 12-25-2010, 12:10 AM
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to me sexual compatibility is less important than other compatibilities
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