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Old 12-24-2010, 03:20 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 149
Default When someone doesn't want to be "primary"

I was looking through the primary/secondary threads, finding all the discussions very interesting but they didn't have quite the information I need.

I really don't like the labels of "primary" and "secondary", but I need to use them to explain.

The reason I dislike the labels is because in relation to my feelings about my husband and boyfriend, I view them both as "primary". I don't love one more than the other, I simply love them both. Neither one has given me cause to choose between them or put one's needs ahead of the other.

However, I'm facing a difficult situation. My bf is monogamous, I'm his only partner. We've been dating for a year and half. Based on some of our conversations and some of his recent actions, I don't think he's comfortable being considered as a "primary". It's not that he wants to date other people, its that doesn't seem to want the responsibility of being my partner. It's a long story, but to summarize, I was super stressed and asked for an hour of his time to help me with something at work but he refused with one of the reasons being that it "wasn't his responsibility". He's also reluctant to affirm his feelings for me because he's "been burned before" and is also dealing with depression.

I'm at a loss at how to proceed from here. I don't think I can "turn down" how I feel, but I can't help but think my love for him is perceived as some kind of pressure. He seems to want a "friend with benefits" rather than a partner. He's made some very big steps as far as moving into the basement suite below us but I don't believe he wants anything more than a friend he cares about and enjoys spending time with.

As with many of my posts, I know this is going to spur me into a conversation with him. I know that talking about what each of us wants in life and in our relationship is important. I'm just scared. Scared that I've let myself fall head over heels in love with someone who just doesn't want what I want. I'm trying to get straight in my head what it is that I want. I feel terribly naive to believe that when you love someone, it's natural to make a place for them in your life. I want him in my life and I'm wondering what place I have in his.

I don't even know quite what I'm asking, oh wise forum folks
Perhaps this is just a vent to get my head straight. Or perhaps there's a mono person out there who has some insight into being placed in a "primary" role that you weren't comfortable with.
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