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  #11  
Old 12-18-2010, 09:38 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I suggest that you do a search in the tags and stickies on here under cheating, and affairs... it will bring up a lot of really good threads that a lot of us have already been talking on and might help.

In a nut shell, having read the other posts and agreeing with just about all that is said, I think if I were you I would end your engagement right now, tell him what is going on and brace yourself.

I'd be finding a place to stay just in case, make sure you have your finances in order as you might have to take care of yourself and say good bye to man two for a bit.

Then I'd tell man one.

You've got some serious work to do I think.

number one? I think you need to change your attitude. You are mainstream, you are cheating. That is mainstream.... leave the poly thing alone for now, you have a lot more to think about... building integrity, respect, honest open communication and empathy is what you should be doing as these are the foundations of poly, at least to me...and I know many others that would agree. You not only have none of these it seems, you have less than none... that is a lot of work to do.

Poly is by the closest definition for most the ability to love others in an open and ethical way... you are not even close, so I'd be getting on it.
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  #12  
Old 12-19-2010, 06:00 PM
unwitty unwitty is offline
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I let him read my post and the responses.

He accepted it, or at laest is willing to start to learn on accepting it. He said i am a shi**y liar and he has known for the last few weeks that i have felt differently about T.

Wow. I am the luckiest women alive.
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  #13  
Old 12-19-2010, 07:33 PM
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easy does it unwitty, its early days yet.
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  #14  
Old 12-19-2010, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
easy does it unwitty, its early days yet.
True.

However, if these two / three all dance this out most lovingly and honestly there's a real chance that lead can be transformed into gold.
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  #15  
Old 12-19-2010, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unwitty View Post
I let him read my post and the responses.

He accepted it, or at laest is willing to start to learn on accepting it. He said i am a shi**y liar and he has known for the last few weeks that i have felt differently about T.

Wow. I am the luckiest women alive.
Good for you. You have taken the first step. Congratulations and best wishes on your journey.

-R
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  #16  
Old 12-20-2010, 12:32 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Unwitty - I understand, in part where you are coming from, the part about falling inlove with someone when you were happy with the one you had and the confusion about what it says about you, etc. After years of being a poly couple in a relationship with a swinger couple, I can tell you that I felt love for our couple, but it wasn't the head over heals kind. Now, I can have sex without needing to be in love or love the person, so when my best friend asked to have a sexual relationship of sorts with me, we agreed. I never expected to fall in love with him and I certainly handled it poorly. Sneaking him over for sex while my husband was away instead of being open about it and lying about it - all because I didn't know how to deal with being head over heals in love with two people at the same time.... it took about 5 hours for my husband to get me to fess up that we'd been intimate while he was gone and has taken the last year and a half to repair the damage done to our trust (his turn to realize how it feels to be the cheated on party) - we're still working on things, but I'd have died if I lost him and I certainly didn't want to leave the husband for our best friend/ my now boyfriend. You need to be honest with yourself, your fiance and your new guy. Your fiance might not be as awesome as my husband was, but continuing to cheat is NOT the answer and NOT telling him will only bite you all in the end.
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  #17  
Old 12-20-2010, 01:51 PM
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I understand where you are...

I love B with my heart and soul but thankfully for us I could never lie to him... we were swingers before J came into our life... and I was open and honest with B from day one about "wanting to do J"... and B always said go for it.

It was almost a joke... but then it started happening and J and I have developed a deep bond... and we are friends... I have spent time alone with him with B's knowledge and consent... this is KILLING B and we have had discussion upon discussion about this... BUT I NEVER CONSIDERED LYING TO him.

and interestingly enough J does not condone lying either so for either of us we could NOT have an affair... I can EASILY see how folks do it... but it's so NOT for me...

I'm suffering the pain of trying to get B comfortable with having J in OUR lives... because there are FOUR relationships here... me and B, B and J, J and me and the three of us...

this is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done... HURTING B has killed me... but I can't deny who I am nor do I want to walk away from J... and B to his credit, is letting me play this out... even as it kills him.

I think I would DIE if I had to lie to B... part of my joy is sharing stuff with him that happens with J that makes me happy... and none of it is sexual... J and I have not consummated our relationship yet...

Last edited by whatamIdoing; 12-20-2010 at 01:54 PM.
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  #18  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
I understand where you are...

I love B with my heart and soul but thankfully for us I could never lie to him... we were swingers before J came into our life... and I was open and honest with B from day one about "wanting to do J"... and B always said go for it.

It was almost a joke... but then it started happening and J and I have developed a deep bond... and we are friends... I have spent time alone with him with B's knowledge and consent... this is KILLING B and we have had discussion upon discussion about this... BUT I NEVER CONSIDERED LYING TO him.

and interestingly enough J does not condone lying either so for either of us we could NOT have an affair... I can EASILY see how folks do it... but it's so NOT for me...

I'm suffering the pain of trying to get B comfortable with having J in OUR lives... because there are FOUR relationships here... me and B, B and J, J and me and the three of us...

this is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done... HURTING B has killed me... but I can't deny who I am nor do I want to walk away from J... and B to his credit, is letting me play this out... even as it kills him.

I think I would DIE if I had to lie to B... part of my joy is sharing stuff with him that happens with J that makes me happy... and none of it is sexual... J and I have not consummated our relationship yet...
I still don't know where that 1 day of lying came from, I didn't know I was capable of it and both of my guys are big on honesty as I am, which sometimes leads to conversations where we hurt each other because we're over analyzing and trying not to hurt each other.

All we can ever do is take the leap of faith that those we love will keep loving us for being our true selves and keep being honest with ourselves and each other. Best of luck to you!
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  #19  
Old 12-22-2010, 10:45 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
You're not poly. Poly is specifically "consentual non-monogamy". What you're describing is cheating.
I disagree. In my opinion, a polyamorous relationship is consensual non-monogamy, yes. However, an individual being polyamorous just mean they have the ability to love more than one person at the same time. So cheating doesn't mean you are not polyamorous. It doesn't mean you are, either, as there are plenty of mono cheaters as well.

I think we need to differentiate between poly as a relationship description and as a love orientation, in the same way a gay person can happen to be in an opposite-sex relationship at some point for a variety of reasons. His relationship isn't gay, nor is he straight.

Going back to the problem, I'm glad you were honest with him in the end. Good luck with the rest of your journey!
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  #20  
Old 12-22-2010, 10:52 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I disagree. In my opinion, a polyamorous relationship is consensual non-monogamy, yes. However, an individual being polyamorous just mean they have the ability to love more than one person at the same time. So cheating doesn't mean you are not polyamorous. It doesn't mean you are, either, as there are plenty of mono cheaters as well.

I think we need to differentiate between poly as a relationship description and as a love orientation, in the same way a gay person can happen to be in an opposite-sex relationship at some point for a variety of reasons. His relationship isn't gay, nor is he straight.
Couldn't agree more.
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