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  #1  
Old 08-27-2009, 08:10 PM
lostfairy lostfairy is offline
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Default Oh so lost

Hello,

I have a million things to say and ask, and now I don't know where to start. I like to organize my thoughts, which are currently a big giant mess, so here is my mess:

I never thought I wanted to be polyamorous, and I don't know if I want that now. My boyfriend of many years has often thought about it and wanted it, but he has been monogamous for my sake. We have had a few sexual threesome experiences, which I enjoyed, and I do miss being sexual with a woman. Lately we have been searching that out again mostly because he wants it, but also because I would get to be with a woman. It is a difficult search, and I am picky, which caused us to fight recently. I asked him why he was suddenly so impatient about it, and he took the rest of the day to think about it. When we talked, he expressed that he's not sure if occasional threesomes will satisfy his desire for a polyamorous relationship. He wants to be with me, and knows that's not what I want, but he thinks he wants a triad relationship.

So we are still searching out a sexual threesome, because it has been a while and he's never been "allowed" (due to my comfort level) to be completely involved with the other woman during a threesome. The question is, if he gets that, will his desire be satisfied. By the way, that is not a question I'm looking for an answer for on here, because I don't think anyone can know that. My questions are about me, and if there's some far out chance that a full polyamorous relationship could work for me.

I'm amazed that I'm even considering this as a remote option. I've always been best with people one on one, even in friendships. I've also had issues with jealousy, and I'm proud to say I've improved, but by no means have I overcome jealousy as an issue. Still, I've overcome many issues in my life for the better and believe in things now that years ago I never would have seen for myself. So is it possible that this type of relationship that I can't imagine working for me could be really good for me? Would the love of two people be worth the struggle to overcome the jealousy of my bf being with another woman? I see so much possible drama from 3 people being together, while my bf just sees more love and more opportunity to better each other. Part of me feels like he just gets bored in the routine of our relationship and everyday life, and he sees a third person as a way to mix things up. I don't know. I just needed someone to talk to about all this who might possibly know what I'm talking about, and I don't know any polyamorous people (well, who have their heads on straight).

So I know that was long, and thank you to anyone who stuck with me. Please let me know if you have any thoughts.
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  #2  
Old 08-27-2009, 08:24 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Welcome to the forums. I am not the person to give you advice in this but I am a good example that regardless of what you may think, poly relationships are very possible for a wide variety of people. They aren't for all people though. The big thing is being honest with yourself while considering the health of you and your partner.

Take care
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:28 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Hi there,
I am in the middle stages of these conversations with my bf. I would ask a few questions to yourself... For me, it is important to KNOW a few things about my relationship and the SO.

Can I trust them?
Do I feel safe?
Is this done for the right reasons? (e.g. is it genuine, caring, to broaden horizons, and not to use someone in a negative way)
Even though it can be uncomfortable at times, can we talk about these things in a constructive, positive way?
Do I feel good when with him?

These are things I am giving time to figure out for myself and us before others come into the picture in a more physical way. I know already for myself and for him that we can have emotional feelings for more than one person at a time... So, it is really the practice, not the theory that we need to talk about.

Hope that helps some.
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:49 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Default Good luck

I am new here, too, and struggling myself. I opened Pandora's box (just by actually thinking and talking about it, but not actually doing anything) and not sure how to close it. I can see a lot of possible good points to it, but a whole lot of negative as well (more as it pertains to each individuals emotions...and of course the big J word). This was not something I would have ever thought I would even consider...or show up on a board like this. People here are really helpful, though, as helpful as they can be for having transcended the usual issues already and not stuck where we are at ; ).
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Old 08-27-2009, 10:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Hello.

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't want to share "my" gf (if I had one) with my husband at the outset (nor would I want to share "his" - if he had one), but if the right person came along, I would be open to the possibility at some point.
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Old 08-27-2009, 11:19 PM
lostfairy lostfairy is offline
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Default Thanks

Thanks for the welcomes and advice so far. It really helps to hear from others.

As for sharing a gf, what he wants is a relationship among 3 people, so a shared gf. If I were ever to have a poly relationship that is how I'd want it. I would want the love shared rather than him dating and me dating. I'm sure everyone is comfortable with different things, but that is the possibility for us.

Also, I do really trust my bf and we are very honest with each other. And yes, I am very happy when I am with him.
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Old 08-28-2009, 04:09 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Welcome to the forum. I don't know how to advise you as it all just sort of happened for me after years of trying to be mono.
But I will tell you from experience, a third only shakes things up for so long before the relationship becomes just as normal and every day as being in a monogamous couple. Assuming you find the right person.
I wish you luck and I'm sure you'll get good advice here.
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Old 08-29-2009, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Welcome to the forum. I don't know how to advise you as it all just sort of happened for me after years of trying to be mono.
But I will tell you from experience, a third only shakes things up for so long before the relationship becomes just as normal and every day as being in a monogamous couple. Assuming you find the right person.
I wish you luck and I'm sure you'll get good advice here.
Very true xyz123!
It might take you a really loooooong time to find your unicorn. You have a long time to figure it all out while you keep your eye out.
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Old 08-30-2009, 02:26 AM
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It all just happend to me as well. I was on the white picket fence, kids, dogs path and another person just came along and basically made me and my husband better people.
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Old 09-01-2009, 09:25 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lostfairy View Post
Hello,

I'm amazed that I'm even considering this as a remote option. I've always been best with people one on one, even in friendships. I've also had issues with jealousy, and I'm proud to say I've improved, but by no means have I overcome jealousy as an issue.0
I never considered it. Ever. In fact, my jealousy was so extreme that in my sexual fantasies about him and I, when a woman came into play, I ended the fantasy if they started up. Which is just plain nuts because it was my own damn fantasy.

He never wanted a threesome. He had a chance once, before he and I were committed to each other, and turned it down. It just wasn't really his thing.

When we were fooling around online we stumbled into a virtual threesome opportunity. It was too tempting to pass up, as I've always wanted to be with a girl in every way (I'd kissed and done a tad more w/ a friend years ago).

Well, what was supposed to be a casual fling turned into MUCH more, with me leading the way. I found her, I moved it towards a triad (a word I'd never heard until Us). I started to fall before he did.

My jealousy issues didn't really come out until we met in person... and as it turns out, most of them aren't really about jealousy, but about insecurities. Am I good enough at this? Does she do that better than I do? Etc, etc.

I've certainly experienced jealousy, but I've learned to recognize some things, too. For example, I was jealous that when she sits in the front seat, he holds her hand more than he's ever held mine. Then I realized... he doesn't, really. SHE holds HIS hand. She initiates. I never did. I started to, and guess what? He'll hold back... so there were those sort of things, and I had to stop and say, "wait, Kari... is it really this? Or are you missing the big picture?"

All I can say is... I fell in love. We all did. Not planned or unexpected. She'd been in poly relationships before, but we'd never even remotely considered it. We'd have laughed and told you that it couldn't be real love. We were SO sure that love could only be between two people. We were wrong.

It is HARD. I probably struggle with the most insecurity type issues, but we all have them (his are mostly related to her and her past). It's a lot of work, but then, it's also new. He and I struggled our first year together. He wasn't ready for what I meant to his life... we've been together for ten years, and married half that time. I've been his whole world for a long time, and I'm spoiled. I'm not used to it being like this, having to share. I'm still growing, still learning. He couldn't be in my shoes. He'd be out-of-his-mind jealous if she was a HE (and as he's straight, that situation would've never arisen anyway). But if I'd fallen for another guy, I *know* he'd have been hurt, pissed, etc, etc. He handles it only because it's a girl and he was only a few steps behind me emotionally where she is concerned.

The thing is... as hard as it is, when I hold her, I know it's worth it. I know it's worth the tears, the drama, the learning to grow together. We all have our baggage. We just need to figure out how to handle it with one another, and not let it be a source of contention... and we're still so new to this, we're learning to trust each other, too.

And even my husband, my lover and best friend all these years... we're learning a new dynamic. We're learning how to be three instead of two, and it's not easy. Some days (tonight being an example), I really struggle with some of the boundaries this new dynamic has had to create. I want to tell him EVERYTHING, like I always did... but slowly, I am seeing, how this is not always appropriate anymore. There are thoughts that go through my head that can't help and could hurt. I am learning to work these things out in my own ways, without input from the single most influential person in my life, and it's a struggle... but that's why I'm here. To have a place I can go to vent, to be as open as I need to be...

All I can tell you is that if you find love, especially if you aren't looking, it's very hard to walk away from that love, even if it's unconventional, even if it means a lot of work. I commend you for soul searching this one, but I tend to think that until you try, you can't really know. If it's right, it will work out for both of you, and any third you bring into what the two of you share already.
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