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  #41  
Old 12-19-2010, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
There is an asshole in every crowd. Usually plenty of them, too.
So far, experience has shown that the crowd is all a-holes with one or possibly two decent guys mixed in for good measure. Current ratio for us: 25 a-holes just trying to get laid...to....zero decent guys looking for an actual poly relationship. This is just our experience though.



And this ratio is not to say that my wife has SLEPT with them....we have screened all but one out. The one, got past the screening process by actually going through the motions of a relationship at first. Went out on multipul dates....courted my wife....etc. Then, they slept together a couple times, and he just started making himself scarce and unavailable. The whole time, he was not actively persuing my wife, but my wife was persuing him. She pointed out that she chased ME when we were dating, and that he was just quiet. I told her I was just concerned and let it go. Then, after they had slept together a few times, he just started ignoring her texts and calls. He refused to speak with her. She was hurt....but she got over it. She came to the realization that guys are generally the same. They are wired to obtain pussy. at all cost. If a woman wants a relationship, they'll fake it until they get the punanny. As much and as varying as possible. Now, not ALL guys are like this. I'm not, for example. Most of the guys, who are active on this forum, are probably not. But...generally speaking....they are.

So in a sea of a-holes, there will be a few....VERY few....quality mackerels. While not as rare as the elusive unicorn, they are still few and far between.
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  #42  
Old 12-19-2010, 05:32 PM
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So you believe I am a anomaly then ?

I have dated from one side of my country to the other, also dated some people outside of my country. So I don`t see it as even a geographical thing. I`m nothing out of the ordinary as a person. I`m not a swedish supermodel, and I put my leg in my pants one size 7 foot at a time.

So I can`t be a magical, mythical princess.

25 men are ALL assholes ?

Lets say that is true. Every single one was a douchebag. Your and your Mrs. radar is on spot and every guy you attempted with, was a complete fuckknob.


Do you remember that saying about being the common denominator, in any group ?
Example :
If I have 10 people who are all pissed off with me, whats the common denominator in the group ? ME.

Now,..that doesn`t automatically make me wrong, anymore then it does you. There is however a responsibility to myself to sit back and take note of how I handled myself to get to a point, where I pissed off 10 people. Maybe it`s justified, maybe it`s not. People don`t like thinking outside the box, no matter how much they say they do. There are a billion variables, right ?

The one thing I DO know, is that the one thing I can mold, control, and work on,..is ME.

My unsolicited advice is to take the time to reassess your protocol and screening process. Also take the time to figure out what type of image you are projecting. We do attract to us, what energies we put out.
If you don`t like 100% of the males you attract, it`s time to take internal stock, and figure out why.

I cannot even agree that MOST men are douchebags. Thats a cop-out.

I can give you a self-example as well. As I mentioned before, half of all 'try for sex' contact I get, is from the female of a couple, hoping to befriend me, and get my guard down for some 3some desire she has with her man. Is this a bad thing ? No. It`s only a bad thing, if I tell them I have zero interest and they persist.

I have taken stock on why I attract that type of couple. I do understand my pictures, and 'playful' type of profiles that I write, are probably responsible for their hopefulness. I have made the decision to tone myself down a little, but ultimately, I like how I present myself, so I don`t blame them for wanting things.
I have choices. If I ever decided I want to attract couples, I would do a thorough inventory of how I present myself. I`d probably also NOT explicity state I was looking for that. Things tend to work better, when you people watch, and approach someone who isn`t 'on the hunt'.

Anyhow,..only my thoughts as someone who does not think most men are a-holes.
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  #43  
Old 12-19-2010, 06:02 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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i used to think the same thing about women, "all women are catty back-stabbers who are only interested in superficial, self-serving relationships with other women."

i never had to "take stock of myself" however because i just met more women and quite a few turned out not to be like that. my initial prejudices were formed in the "townie high-school" milieu, and as soon as i bothered to expand my horizons a wee li'l bit, that pattern of thought was neutralized.

this is why it pisses me off when women say they "can't" connect with or be in friendships or relationships with other women.

i agree that if you are doing something a certain way and do not like the results you are getting, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the way you go about doing things. unless your life is so great that you need to instill a certain degree of "failure" into it in order to feel that you have achieved "balance", or whatever...
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  #44  
Old 12-19-2010, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I cannot even agree that MOST men are douchebags. Thats a cop-out.
Here, here! I agree wholeheartedly.

It takes two to keep a war going, but only one to stop it.

So, if there's a war between the sexes going on in my life, I look around and ask what I am doing to keep it going. And why I attract certain types of people and treatment. It's up to me to stop that war and not tolerate behaviors that result in my feeling less-than or taken advantage of.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-19-2010 at 08:57 PM.
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  #45  
Old 12-20-2010, 12:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
So you believe I am a anomaly then ?
Possibly. But I really don't know you well yet.



Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
25 men are ALL assholes ?
Yes. It's quite simple. I'll explain PART of the screening process later in this post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post

Do you remember that saying about being the common denominator, in any group ?
Example :
If I have 10 people who are all pissed off with me, whats the common denominator in the group ? ME.
So you're saying that my wife and I are in the wrong, and we should lower our a-hole standards? Not gonna happen. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
My unsolicited advice is to take the time to reassess your protocol and screening process.
Here is the rough outline of the screening process:

Guy initiates contact......if at any point within the first two weeks of contact, he asks for nude photo's of my wife, then it's off, because we know he's just in it for the sex.

If, after a couple weeks, he tries to get her to go alone with him (AFTER she has explained that we ALWAYS go on the first few dates together) then it's off.....He's not willing to abide by the rules set forth.

If at any time, the guy doesn't wish to abide by my WIFE'S rules, then it's off. We have the rules in place for safety reasons only. I have no jealousy issues...My wife does from time to time, but I rarely have those issues. It has bitten me before, so I won't say I "never" have them....but when I do, I let her know I'm not comfortable with that...and she stops.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Also take the time to figure out what type of image you are projecting. We do attract to us, what energies we put out.
Oddly enough, I have found that opposites attract.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
If you don`t like 100% of the males you attract, it`s time to take internal stock, and figure out why.
It's not that...I LIKED my wife's last bf....he just turned out to be a guy that was only out for sex too. So...At that point, he's an a-hole.



Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Anyhow,..only my thoughts as someone who does not think most men are a-holes.
I have run out of time this morning to respond....But will try to later. I appreciate your thoughts on this subject though, and it breaths more life into me about men.
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  #46  
Old 12-20-2010, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
I have found that it is very easy to "catch" most men who are pretending to be poly in order to find sex with a poly woman. A simple "What is a book about polyamory that you have read, or hope to read?" or "What's the name of our national organization?" will usually leave them flailing.

You could ask me the same questions and I wouldn't know the answers.... not because I'm not poly (I have been for years) but because I've only just found the poly world/ community outside my relationships. What I've learned about poly has come from mostly from a cousin who is poly and my textbooks (I have a BS in Child and Family Studies).
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  #47  
Old 12-20-2010, 03:59 PM
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These are valid fears many women encounter. Is a married poly woman who is dedicated to her mono husband considered as easy or a slut for having thoughts of dating/sleeping with other men and/or women? Is it wrong to flirt and be flirted with?

I have found that most single men don't agree with taking it to the next level with a married woman. Flirting is okay, but nothing more than that. Those are my observations.
My husband is a great guy, but he has trouble finding anyone who is willing to be in a relationship with a married man. It doesn't matter that they know he's in an open marriage, if not poly; he's married and therefore off the list.... and this is even after I've talked to some of them. And I know that it hurts him to start down the path of creating a relationship with someone only to be slapped down repeatedly while I get offers all the time and I'm not even looking. I'm so happy with him, my b/f, and his wife that I couldn't imagine adding another relationship to my list right now, but I realize that she doesn't meet his needs and he's not bisexual enough for the b/f to meet them either. She's extremely introverted and has issues with sex that she's working on, but until then I'm trying to meet the sexual needs for both of my guys and she's trying to make an effort to spend more time with all of us.
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  #48  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:54 PM
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TL4everU2 :

Details of your screening process really doesn`t matter.

That is your business. The point is,....how`s it working out for ya ? Not worth shit. So it`s time for a new screening process.

I never said to lower your standards. I never even hinted at you lowering them. I meant CHANGE is needed.
YOU( united-you.) are the common denominator to all the crappy meets.

I have no idea if your wife`s boyfriend was actually in it for the sex or not. Could of been a jerk, just as you say. Though it raised a few questions, reading that. If he was in it for the sex, with a married woman, he would of kept her as a booty-call type,..don`t you think ?
Since he just took off, ...( but was really into her beforehand ? ), then that sounds like something about the situation came up and he bailed. Could be something as simple as fear. Who knows ?

Anyhow, only you two know that answer, not measely-me guessing on a message board. Something to think about though.
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  #49  
Old 12-21-2010, 04:16 AM
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I'm learning that the men who are deeply interested in me eventually get freaked out that I am in a relationship with another man but interested in taking it to the next level with them. Each of these men, who I've known for many years, have allowed themselves to build strong connections with me. Then almost overnight, each of them backed off. It became too real for them, I think. I find this fascinating, yet it also made me feel sad and alone when I was eventually rejected simply because of my 'availability' status. I am too proud of a woman to continue to pursue true relationships with each of them simply because they were too bold when they broke off the emotional relationship side of it so soon. So, I remain friends with one and hope that the other (the one I'm truly crazy for) will eventually talk to me again. I just want to feel loved, and I know they do too. It's been a difficult, yet unique, learning experience with how complicated mono/polyamory works.
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  #50  
Old 12-21-2010, 04:20 AM
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Thinking of my last post, I think I really need to step away from this computer and join the physical world with like-minded individuals who will accept me for me, and share love with me the way I would like to share back.

Interesting.
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