Help! I'm struggling as my mono marriage of 20 years is turning poly

My wife Bree and I have been happily married for almost 20 years. We've been best friends (as well as lovers) since the day we met. We have two kids.

Just over a week ago, I found out that she is bisexual. (She only realized this herself about 7 months ago.) She fell in love with another woman, she still loves me just as much as always, and she wants a polyamorous "V" relationship between the three of us.

I'm a hopeless mono, and for the past week, my whole world has been shattered. I love Bree and want to stay with her, but I can't stand the thought of sharing her with someone else. I feel hurt, betrayed, taken advantage of, that this is a one-sided relationship, unequal, unfair. At the same time, I can tell that this is something she's been missing, and that she is so much more vibrant, self-confident, and alive now. I love how happy she is, and I love that she still loves me just as much (if not more) than before.

I'm going to give it a try, but, ultimately, I don't know if I'm capable of pulling it off. I wonder to myself, as a mono in a "poly/mono vee" relationship:

1. Do the hurt feelings ever go away? Have any monos in this group ever made it through successfully to being completely happy in this type of relationship, or am I doomed to a life of hurt feelings if I stay?

2. Can I change myself into a polyamorous person (or at least feel good about being in a poly relationship) by using, for example, a 12-step behavior-modification approach to retrain my thinking and feelings? Has anyone done this successfully? Or would I just be bottling up my emotions and setting the relationship up for failure?

3. Should I try going "full poly", i.e., fully embrace the poly lifestyle, invite additional partners, maybe even turn our "V" into an "N" with my own secondary (or even a new primary) to balance the one-sidedness of this relationship? *Or would this just be emotional, reactionary, and destructive?

4. What other support groups would you recommend I reach out to for help?

5. What other advice do you have for me?

Thank you for any help or support you may have.

Polymonial said:

1. Do the hurt feelings ever go away? Have any monos in this group ever made it through successfully to being completely happy in this type of relationship, or am I doomed to a life of hurt feelings if I stay?

2. Can I change myself into a poly (or at least to feel good about being in a poly relationship) by using, for example, a 12-step behavior modification approach to retrain my thinking and feelings? Has anyone done this successfully? Or would I just be bottling up my emotions and setting the relationship up for failure?

3. Should I try going "full poly", i.e. fully embrace the poly lifestyle, invite additional partners, maybe even turn our "vee" into an "N" with my own secondary (or even a new primary) to balance the one-sidedness of this relationship? *Or would this just be emotional, reactionary, and destructive?

4. What other support groups would you recommend I reach out to for help?

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1. Yes, they go away, or at least lessen, but not without a huge change in thinking and perspective and a huge amount of work. The good news is that if you are up for it, you might just come out with a stronger relationship and a better understanding of yourself.

2. There is no quick answer to this. You might be poly yourself, but its early days yet and you by no means have to be or are expected to be.

3. Emotionally reactive and destructive. Give it time, my friend, lots of time, and educate yourself first.

4. You have come to a really good site. Use it. Start searching in the tags and stickies here and find some information and support. Thanks for starting the process of asking questions. That is a good start. Bree should be doing the same thing, because cheating is not poly! She has not acted with love in her heart, but out of selfishness. No worries, a lot of people do, but it is time to readjust and get on a better path, with you at her side. She has a lot more work to do than you. I suggest she start educating herself more.

Polymonial said:

1. Do the hurt feelings ever go away? Have any monos in this group ever made it through successfully to being completely happy in this type of relationship, or am I doomed to a life of hurt feelings if I stay?

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Poly is not the source of your pain here, my friend. Being betrayed, kept in the dark and made to feel a fool are. Bree had an affair first, and came out as poly second, if I read your post correctly. You need to deal with the affair, with couples counselling, perhaps. If you don't get over her betrayal, you may as well forget about ever being healthy in a V. Sure, you could stay in the relationship, full of resentment and feeling half the man you once were, but that is no way to live; better to be on your own, IMO.

This means she has to own up to her betrayal and be willing to do the work too, otherwise she might not be as poly as she says she is. By this I mean that it could be easier for her to claim to still be in love with you so the external conditions of her life do not change. Would you be happy in the role of safety blanket/financial support/homecarer? Challenge her to work with you.

Polymonial said:

2. Can I change myself into a poly (or at least to feel good about being in a poly relationship) by using, for example, a 12-step behavior modification approach to retrain my thinking and feelings? Has anyone done this successfully? Or would I just be bottling up my emotions and setting the relationship up for failure?

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Opinions will be varied on this question. Here's my take: if you're mono-wired (not saying you are; some people are conditioned mono) you only have intimate/romantic attachment to one at a time. If you push it, you may run the risk of replacing your wife. Is she willing to take that chance? Are you?

I considered this when I first fell in love with Redpepper, then I realized that going down a path to attempt altering who I fundamentally was was a path that would likely lead to damaging myself and undoing the self-awareness work I had spent a lifetime accomplishing. I am more mono now than ever, and I am happy and healthy with my married poly girlfriend.

Other opinions: be true to yourself, stay healthy and don't be a afraid to hurt more to be in pain less.

I agree with Mono that a lot of your hurt is caused by the fallout of the affair. You and Bree, and even, to a small extent, her new friend, will need to work through that.

I was in a similar position to you. I made the decision to consciously forgive my wife within the first few days of our V starting up. Otherwise I knew I would not have been able to function day-to-day with her at all. And we had to protect the kids too, at the beginning. But it was very hard. Hurt and anger used to come out when I did not want them to.

She used to seem very hard to me, at times, even when she insisted she was vulnerable and needed to be understood.

This will take everything of you, and you will feel used up sometimes.

About question 2, I would not try to force myself to try to be poly. If you had wanted to be poly in the last 20 years you would already know about it. Why add more shit to the top of your pile? See how things go first. Give yourself time.

Actually, a V has its own symmetry and balance. You may feel it is unfair at the moment, that she is "having her cake and eating it." It is almost certainly more difficult for her right now than you realise. She is not trying to hurt you.

You are in a process now. One day you will wake up and realise you are actually happy and it's all OK.

Polymonial said:

My wife Bree and I have been happily married for almost 20 years. Just over a week ago, I found out that she's bi (she only realized this herself about 7 months ago), she fell in love with another woman, she still loves me just as much as always, and she wants a V relationship.

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I read this as Bree is in love, but has not necessarily consummated the relationship yet. It would be nice to get some clarification.

I feel bad for Bree coming to terms with her bisexuality at such a late date. It's obviously hard on both of you. But this is rather common. Cultural conditioning can make us blind to our same-sex urges. Denial can be very strong.

4. What other support groups would you recommend I reach out to for help?

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I went to a polyamory conference called Transcending Boundaries last year and attended a session led by Anita Wagner. Her website has some great information on opening a formerly monogamous relationship, and she provides lots of info on how the monogamous partner, especially, can come to terms and even enjoy their poly partner's new life. You might find her speaking at a conference near you, and want to go.

http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com/?zx=7b9e90cc1e435fa4

Look at the upper left corner of the main page, go to Practical Polyamory Website, and click on Downloadable Relationship Skills and Activism-Related Documents. There you will find such guidelines as Lemons and Lemonade: The Pleasure and Pain of Poly/Mono Relationships; and 14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship.

I'm a total neophyte and can't probably offer much, but your 3)-type thoughts and plans helped me a lot when my husband asked for us to be polyamorous freaking forever ago. (Don't let it take you as long as it took me though to process things. lol jk)

I thought about those ideas a lot and found that there were many attractions to others that I'd simply repressed because of thinking our relationship was monolithically monogamous. Going after those that I've been attracted to took the pain/sting out of my husband wanting to go after people he's attracted to. Like I said, though, it can be done much much quicker than I've done it (one year of thinking and processing). Best of luck.

Progress report

Thank you so much for all the kind words and support. It's all been extremely helpful! I've been following up on all the links, references, papers... reading a lot on the subject, including the book Opening Up (since I can get it in Kindle format and read it without others knowing what it is).

I'm also discovering that polyamory is a lot more common than I ever imagined. A good friend of mine is openly polyamorous, and apparently he knows of a bunch more friends of mine that are, as well, but aren't open about it yet.

So, here's the latest status for the three of us (me, my wife, and her OSO):

1. From the beginning, I've felt compersion for Bree in: (1) discovering her full sexuality (being bi), (2) falling in love with another woman, and (3) being much more complete, happy, alive in the process. It is wonderful to see. I still feel that way.

2. All three of us get along spectacularly, plus my wife's OSO, Anna, gets along great with our kids. Anna will be moving in with us as soon as possible, and we have all accepted her into the family as a full, equal member. In fact, we are all committed to each other that this will be a lifelong partnership, not just for a few years, but a long-term, committed relationship. I have a very good feeling about this.

3. All three of us have had various jealousies towards the others from time to time, but we always talk them through and work them out.

4. My biggest issue is basically having to split my time with Bree. Since she now has two partners, I'll only have half the time with her that I used to have, and I mourn that loss. At the same time, I recognize that Bree is now a different person, that there's no going back (at least not on the fact that she's bi and has a need for two partners in her life... one male and one female). We are consciously starting a new relationship with each other, and as such, have started dating again, romancing each other, and honestly, we're having some wild NRE between us right now (after 17 year of marriage). It's wonderful.

At the same time, I've also had a few bouts of depression, where I mourn our loss of time together and change in the relationship, from being two peas in a pod (<-- as Forest would say) to, well... I guess the analogy breaks down. Two pods, perhaps, with one of the peas in each pod? You know what I mean!

5. As a new poly couple, I would also like to bring in an OSO of my own. Of course, the key is to find just the right person-- someone who gets along great with all of us, who loves kids (and would even like to have another), large families... It could be epic wonderful. We could either do this as an N, in which Bree and I are married and each have an OSO, or we could even consider having my Bree marry Anna, I marry my OSO, and we're then two couples bound together in a poly relationship. In fact, that arrangement has several advantages, including: (1) medical insurance (two married couples instead of just one, so more sharing of benefits), (2) better acceptance (since my OSO would be married with children, easier on her parents, friends, etc.).

Okay, so now, here's our latest issue. Bree gave me permission to start dating (so long as I don't go any farther than kissing without getting permission from the V, which is only fair). However, once I started dating, it caught her off guard and she got very jealous and started having strong mono feelings/reactions herself. She fears that I would fall in love with an OSO so deeply that I would end up leaving her, or that she would no longer be my primary. She fears that I would have even less time to spend with her (since our time together has already been split in half due to her taking on her OSO). Bree is jealous that my OSO may be younger (which is likely, in order to have kids together), that I would be romancing her, that she may enjoy doing activities with me that Bree doesn't (e.g. hiking), etc.

Therefore, even though Bree was the original poly in our relationship, I recognize that she's having very mono emotions, and I'm being very sensitive to her feelings. I'm going through the "Fourteen Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship" with her (even through she's already has an OSO of her own).

I'm letting her know that this is something that I need, that it doesn't lessen my relationship or love for her at all. I still love her with all my heart, my love for her is unconditional, and nothing will ever take that away. She is not powerless in this process, and no one can be added to our family without permission from everyone. I'm not doing this for a fling, but rather only want an OSO that gets along with the entire family and would be committed/dedicated to a long-term/lifelong relationship. Bree and I will continue to be romantic together, go on dates, and have great fun and love together, even when I have an OSO (and have similar experiences with her, too).

We can slow down and put my dating on hold for awhile, to give her the time, space, love, and support that she needs to feel more comfortable with this.

When I resume dating (a few months from now), my wife is asking for a LOT of visibility into whom I'm seeing, specifically:

1. If I put up a profile on a dating website, she wants access to read it, and she doesn't want me using a photo of myself that's easily recognizable.

2. For each person that I start talking to electronically, she wants a link to their profile. She's very concerned about me inadvertently meeting an axe murderer that wants to off us all.

3. She has lots of questions like:
Why did you pick that person to talk to?
What is it about her?
Is THAT the type of person that you like, someone younger, etc.?
And then she compares herself to them.

Honestly, I don't mind telling Bree whom I'm talking with or dating once I've been able to establish a little rapport with that person, for example, after a week or so. But I'm very uncomfortable talking about each and every person before I have any rapport. That just seems too early and disruptive to the dating process, especially if Bree gets jealous each and every time. I'm also admittedly uncomfortable with Bree reading through my dating profile, or telling her which dating websites I'm on, not because there's anything bad on them, but because I need a little bit of space to myself on this. Ultimately, if/when I find someone, I'll let Bree know all about her.

My questions to this group are:

1. How much transparency in dating is good vs. excessive/too-much-information?

2. When is the appropriate time to tell Bree about someone I'm interested in talking to (as a potential date): (a) before I even meet/speak to the person, (b) after I've said "Hello," but before she responds with her own "Hello", (c) after we've both said "Hello" to each other, but before we actually carry on a conversation, (d) once we've officially met, but before we know each other, (e) once we've established a rapport with each other and want to start getting to know one another, (f) once we've had kids together, etc.

3. Is it reasonable for me to have my own space, at least in the early stages of dating/getting to know people, without Bree being involved at every step? Or is it important that she knows everything about everyone at all times, even in the earliest stages of meeting someone, so that she feels comfortable, empowered, and we can address any issues of fear, jealousy, concern, etc. that may arise right away, head on?

4. What other advice do you have for me in starting the dating process?

As always, thank you for all the wonderful advice and warm support I've received from this group as we build our poly family, which I believe will be great.

A bit of a double standard she wants, I think.

are all these rules being set up in order to facilitate communication and be pro-active about "addressing issues", or are they being set up to put you in a position where you can't do right no matter how hard you try?

A lot of your "rules" sound like they are set up for pre-emptive failure.

Rules of dating

Bree says that she would be very happy for me to have an OSO, but she's freaked out about the DATING process. In her heart of hearts, she wants me to find my OSO by accident (the same way she found hers), as a true-love-at-first-sight-unavoidable-sparks flying everywhere kind of event. For that, she would have a great deal of compersion.

What she hates is the idea of me posting my picture up on an online dating service, going to dating clubs, or otherwise putting myself out there. She doesn't understand why I'd want to date people unless it's the instant-attraction Cupid's-arrow love of my life type of rare find. She hates "meat markets" and hates me interacting in anything that even remotely resembles one.

She's also afraid that I could find an OSO very quickly if I tried, that I have a lot of "charm", and that I could attract not just nice people (for whom she'd have compersion) but also axe murders. Lots of emotions and fears. At the same time, she realizes that this is completely fair and understandable, and from the beginning she gave me her permission to date. She's just wresting with the reality now that I AM dating (or, more so WAS getting ready to date, before I put that on hold temporarily to give her a chance to be more prepared for it).

I don't think she's trying to put any of those rules in place to make this fail. In fact, part of the rules were that she could not reach out or talk to any of the people until I'm ready, and that even through she could read my profile page, she couldn't criticize it, or even bring up anything about it, except for things she considered to be safety concerns, such as having a recognizable picture of myself on it, unfortunately. lol

So it's very touchy right now, and I'm hoping that a little pause in this process will help take a bit of the edge off. At the same time, I'm looking for a sanity check myself, to see if these rules are a bit overly restrictive and not respecting the space I need, or if instead I need to err on the side of giving her more info than less, in order to be 100% open and transparent, even before I've even introduced myself to someone I may be interested in.

Ideally, if she could just give me a little space in the early days of my meeting someone (doesn't have to be long... just a week or two, or even less if we hit it off quickly), then I think the process would be a LOT smoother and everything/everyone would work out great.

Polymonial said:

Ideally, if she could just give me a little space in the early days of my meeting someone (doesn't have to be long... just a week or two, or even less if we hit it off quickly), then I think the process would be a LOT smoother and everything / everyone would work out great.

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That sounds reasonable and I think that is what you should do if it is what you feel is right. Have you said it to your wife the way you said it on here? Perhaps the next step is to invite her to read what you wrote on this forum and maybe she'll want to create her own profile. Remember that she does not have to tell any of US she's your wife unless she WANTS to.

Other than that, the way I look at it is: since you appear to have identified the root causes of her hang-ups and insecurities, there shouldn't be any need for rules that validate them. You two should examine WHY she has those particular conditional insecurities and perceived threats and work on eliminating that counter-productive mindset. Then you can meet potential partners any way that seems natural (dating sites and clubs are not as "natural" as meeting someone through mutual friends, but there is nothing IMPROPER about them) and not be hindered by manufactured external factors so much.

Polymonial said:

She's also afraid that I could find an OSO very quickly if I tried, that I have a lot of "charm", and that I could attract not just nice people (for whom she's have compersion) but also axe murders.

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Not to burst your bubble, but just so you two realize, from what married men say here in this forum, and what I've been told by the married poly guy I correspond with, it isn't that easy for men to meet poly-oriented women, especially if they're married. For some reason, married men are attractive in the monogamous/cheating world, but a married man who is polyamorous apparently scares many women off. So, although I don't understand why it would be such a bad thing if you found someone quickly (seems common for married poly guys to bemoan the fact that their wives found someone but they have not for a long time), she probably does not need to panic about that.

NeonKaos said:

That sounds reasonable, and I think that is what you should do, if it is what you feel is right. Have you said it to your wife the way you said it on here? Perhaps the next step is to invite her to read what you wrote on this forum and maybe she'll want to create her own profile. Remember that she does not have to tell any of US she's your wife unless she wants to.

Other than that, the way I look at it is: since you appear to have identified the root causes of her hang-ups and insecurities, there shouldn't be any need for rules that validate them. You two should examine WHY she has those particular conditional insecurities and perceived threats and work on eliminating that counter-productive mindset. Then you can meet potential partners any way that seems natural (dating sites and clubs are not as "natural" as meeting someone through mutual friends, but there is nothing improper about them) and not be hindered by manufactured external factors so much.

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I'm glad you said this, Neon. I cringe at the very odea of rules at the best of times, as it indicates to me a one-sided arrangement, where no one can move but the one who makes them. When I was given "rules" in my early years of poly, I set out to break them, not respect them. Now we talk about what is behind them so that they lose their possessive edge, and so that they can be negotiated and made into boundaries instead of rules. I agree, taking about what the threats are is far more productive, after a time, than sticking to a rule. The natural flow should be, as far as I am concerned, to work towards boundaries.

Isn't this moving a little quick, from going from a completely monogamous mindset, to having the OSO move in, and you starting to date?

I would say to take it slow for now, as the lifestyle change, for you, is the most dramatic, and not for your wife.

It just seems odd, to me, that Bree would be so enthusiastic from the start of this less than two weeks ago, to going into protective mode. And equally as odd that you have made this transition from being devastated to completely embracing the new lifestyle. That would be something to address before moving on anything regarding your situation.

Sorry, this is my first post.

The relationship is progressing well

It's been about a month now since my adventures into polyamory began. Prior to that, I'd never even heard of the word polyamory, let alone known anything about it. Bree and I were a straight vanilla mono couple. At least, we thought we were. Now we're a poly V. Bree is bi, her wife is lesbian, and... I'm still straight vanilla, but I have to admit, I'm starting to really like this!

The three of us all get along wonderfully. I can't wait until Anna can move in with us. We all have a much better understanding of our relationship now, boundaries, feelings, interactions, roles, etc. We've been able to open up to a few close friends, all of whom have been completely accepting... a couple of whom were poly, as well! In fact, it turns out that a few of my friends are poly, and I never even knew!

We even opened up to our pastor, and she was also very accepting, and welcomed Anna into the church. The level of support we've received has been truly heartwarming.

I also recognize that this just the beginning of a great adventure together, one that has already rekindled the love, romance, and passion between me and Bree (we're having extreme NRE... it's like a second honeymoon, better than our first even!), helped Bree to grow and blossom, brought another wonderful person into our family, and re-established a healthy (and fun!) quality of life and work/life balance.

True, we all still have a lot of learning and growing to do together, and there will be some jealousies, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings from time to time. But that's all part of the progress, and even that can be endearing, if taken on with caring, love, patience, acceptance, and a sense of humor.

God bless you all. I can't thank everyone here enough for all their help and support. I'm no longer struggling like I was, but I look forward to continuing to be active within this forum... and I'll undoubtedly be asking for more help as our relationship progresses.

As someone with over 10 years of experience in polyamory, I'd also like to warn against moving your wife's lover (she calls her her "wife" already???) in this soon. We've heard plenty of stories here of poly partners moving in too soon, and it going sour within a few months. The metamours both feel NRE, but that fades, and personalities can begin to clash.

It was just two weeks ago you were shattered, and now you're over the moon! Meanwhile, Bree is struggling with jealousy towards your dating, and you don't even have an OSO yet! Please don't complicate things just yet with having Anna move in. Be cautious and responsible. NRE makes us see things through rose-colored glasses, but those rosy colors can and do fade. We all idealize our new lovers and present our own best faces, but that illusion fades.

With luck, the real person behind the ideal persona is just as good or better. But it takes time to find out. Time and a few life challenges test their and your true mettle.

I agree with Magdlyn. Easy does it.. It's great to hear things are going so well. Remember though, NRE lasts up to a year and longer. The real dynamic of your relationship is yet to come. You are making a good start, for sure, but just enjoy it right now.

If you do a tag search for "moving in," there are some really good threads on the topic. Our tribe went through a process with it and got some really good help from this forum. We took it slow, and after 18 months or so, he moved into the apartment in the basement of our house. Both he and I have written extensively on this in various threads. I wrote about it in my blog too. Please feel free to PM if you have any specific concerns or just want to talk about it.

Moving in and moving forward

I agree that moving in is a major step in any relationship, and with poly relationships, everything is that much more complicated ('cause there's more people involved). I know that the three of us have really only cleared the first hurdle in our joint relationship together, but that first hurdle was a doozy... it told us if we could even handle forming a poly family in the first place.

In order to accept being a poly family, I had to explore and be completely comfortable with all of my options, including divorce and remarriage. I had to explore my feelings of jealousy and compersion. I had to experience first hand how it would feel to share Bree's time with someone else. And I had to re-think all of my values regarding relationships and sexuality, with a completely open mind and willingness to accept the outcome, whatever is it. It was a difficult process and challenged the very bedrock of my belief system (being a staunch mono and all). There were periods of time where I had no moral compass or role models to guide me through it, other than the unconditional love I have for my wife. In Christian circles, we refer to this as "agape love" (http://www.gotquestions.org/agape-love.html). I also prayed to God for guidance.

(Did I mention before that I'm a romantic and a Christian? Damn... I'm just about as vanilla as they come! LOL)

From day #1, I've always felt compersion for Bree in recognizing she is bisexual and finding/falling in love with her wife. (I'm no longer going to refer to my wife's wife as an "OSO," because that implies a letter position in the V. As far as I'm concerned, we're both my wife's primaries.) I saw the positive effect that all this all had on Bree, and something that wonderful can't be all bad. Furthermore, I like my wife's wife too... not in a romantic way, but as a friend. Anna is a great person, and we all get along wonderfully. I'm sure that helps a lot in making a V work.

One by one, I overcame my various concerns and jealousies while reforging and redefining my relationship with Bree, until there was really just one remaining issue... could I handle sharing her time with someone else? I didn't think I could; I thought that would ultimately be the deal-breaker in all this, and I was mentally prepared to handle the consequences. But by having my wife's wife stay with us, we were able to resolve this last major issue/fear and figure out how to make it work for everyone. It was an eye opener, and it was the last major fear or hangup I had. I now just left with compersion for this new relationship, and I see it as wonderful. I still have jealousies from time to time, but they're more "cute" than hurtful.

Bottom line: I look forward to having my wife's wife move in, because it moves our relationship forward in a positive way. That's not to say we won't have challenges. Everyone does, even mono couples, after almost 20 years of marriage. But we'll all be together to resolve them, together, and become stronger in the process And if ultimately this relationship is not meant to be (which I doubt), then that will become apparent as well, and we'll address that too. Either way, having Anna move in is our next logical step, and we're (naively, perhaps) plowing forward! Yeah!

One funny side effect (that I didn't expect) of all this exploration is that I feel a step closer to being poly myself. I love the idea of adding one more to our family over time and adding a couple more kids. I don't know if we'll ever do this for reals... it's more of a long-term vision than anything we want to do right now. For the time being, I'm focused on continuing to rebuild the relationship with Bree. We have a lot of fun dating planned, making up for lost time!

Communal living is a challenge. I was just reading a thread about triads on another poly-focused forum, and I thought this quote might be helpful to you:

"Many people looking for "moresomes" have little experience with roommates, and that rarely recent. It's a sweet little fantasy, but the reality of opening up your home and your life to a new person minute-by-minute is far more difficult that mere sex."

Just be as prepared as you can for the possibility of unforeseen bumps in the road.

Polymonial, please read the OP on this thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4300&highlight=moved

It's a heartbreaking story of how NRE led this couple to move their lover in, only to have the woman of the original couple change her mind a few months down the road.