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Old 12-14-2010, 10:53 PM
zonino zonino is offline
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Default Have you ever given up poly for a mono relationship?

Hello there. I'm in the 14th month of a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend. I am a 31 year old, straight male and she is 25 and straight. I love my girlfriend more than anything and we have so many good time together.

I have always felt polyamorous but never really heard about it until the past year or so. I didn't know something like poly was widely accepted and up until I researched it, I had almost exclusively dated bisexual girls who had expressed interests in having threesomes with another female. That never really worked out since it usually resulted in jealousy and the whole acceptance of a threesome was only to lure me into a relationship.

My girlfriend and I started out as just two lonely people, both of us recently out of another relationship. We met on a dating site and both of us were just about to delete our profiles when she contacted me. We met a week later and what I thought would just be a friendship turned into something sexual on the first night. But for four months, our relationship wasn't an official relationship.

During this four months, I got to know her best friend (27, female). It seemed like her and I really connected to one another. She was very sexually open and had no shame about talking about her sexual adventures with other people.

Two months into knowing one another, my girlfriend moved in with her best friend. And I kind of moved in as well, and the best friend/roommate didn't mind at all. However, there were times when my girlfriend was away and it was the best friend and I home alone. We would have interesting conversations. Some about sex. We seemed to click very well together. Although she let me know she had a history of friends' boyfriends taking interest in her.

The best friend seemed to have been dropping me many hints as to how she felt about me. This led to me sneaking into her room one night and almost having sex with her. But we mutually decided it was a bad move. She would not let me leave her room though. We kissed passionately for about an hour.

I tend to worry that I'm addicted to love and just throw the word 'love' out to anyone, but I told her I loved her and asked if she loved me back. Her response was "I don't know." About a day later I confessed the whole story to my not-yet-then girlfriend. She cried but understood and thanked me for being honest. They both had a talk and they seemed fine. My not-yet girlfriend and I decided that we should take time off from one another.

It was during this break that I had spent time with an old female friend. I did not love this girl anymore than as just a friend. Yet she persuaded me to sleep with her. I felt dirty and refused to sleep with her a second time. To which her crazy response was to call the police and have me kicked out for refusing to leave. Mind you, I was many miles from home without my car. I could only call one person. Not-yet girlfriend.

She picked me up and we talked. I told her everything. She consoled me. I was really feeling all sorts of weird.

It was about a week later that we had a conversation about what happened between me and her best friend. I said I couldn't help myself and that I loved both of them. She offered to step aside and let me have a chance with her best friend if I wanted to. I said I couldn't. I knew her first and I had spent the most time with her so I would stay with her. A week or so after that is when we became serious. I was somewhat ashamed of loving two people at once and I tried to tell her how I was and that I couldn't help it. She accepted me, but I know that she would never go for a polyamorous relationship.

I have plenty of female friends that are attractive and I am not in love with them. I love them as friends. But I have fallen in love easily with other girls, but not all, so of course it can't be that I fall for every girl I meet.

I feel like I should just be happy with what I have and just throw out the idea that I've ever felt polyamorous at all.

I have always envisioned myself having 2 or 3 girlfriends who all loved me and loved one another as well. That is the kind of love I want. But I feel as if I should just accept what I have. I don't ever want to sadden her. I'll tell her her cooking sucks. But I don't know if I should ever tell her how I really feel.

Any one else ever been through this ordeal?
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Old 12-14-2010, 11:03 PM
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Just about everyone on here... has dealt with this in one way or another...

Having figured out that its okay for me to be this way - I don't know if I can accept not being poly... for anyone. My relationships are my choice - how I behave in them is my choice - whether my partner can live with that and accept that (with my love and support) is up to him...(them if we get there :P)

being respectful of your girlfriend will always need to be your number 1 priority... and keep talking... don't hide it, acknowledge who you are... otherwise it will build up and explode
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Old 12-15-2010, 12:38 AM
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If you're not happy being in a mono relationship, end it. I think the main reason I haven't been happy in all my mono relationships is because I just need to be able to give a lot more. I feel as if I'm trapped in a small room and suffocating under my own pressure. I like to give a lot of my time to people too, but mono people would generally call that clingy. If I had more people to spend time with, they would feel less like I'm being clingy. I could definitely be in a mono relationship. I have been many times. But I think for it to last would be a lot harder on them. My ideal is the same though. Having a few women to love and live with. It's hard finding 1 person interested in you sometimes though. That doesn't mean stick with what you can live with though. Pursue what makes you truly happy.
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Old 12-15-2010, 02:00 AM
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Poly is a lifestyle choice I think. You might be poly in nature, but when it comes down to it, the question is ultimately, can you pull it off. If you can go through the tremendous strain and hardship to get to a relationship with yourself and many others that is incredible and deep then you will have a successful and manageable a poly relationship dynamic I think.

If this is what you think you are heading then put the work in and figure it all out with the other women you love... that is where we all started pretty much and that is your start.... lucky for you there is an entire forum of knowledge to wade through... hope it helps
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Old 12-15-2010, 03:16 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zonino View Post
..................
I have plenty of female friends that are attractive and I am not in love with them. I love them as friends. But I have fallen in love easily with other girls, but not all, so of course it can't be that I fall for every girl I meet.
I'd suggest you maybe not throw the term "love" around quite so loosely. It might help you understand relationships better and navigate them better.

There are many ways we feel some unknown connection to people. Often times that feeling represents "potential". But like scratch tickets, "potential" doesn't always develop the way we think/hope it might. You have to scratch off the surface first to reveal what's truly underneath.

It's easy to be attracted to people - and on various levels. It's not about looks etc although that may play a part.

But love is something that usually grows over a period of time as we peel back the layers of the onion. Until we get to the real core we really shouldn't be calling it "love". It can be many other things including that potential. But time will tell us better what that connection we felt to someone really is based on - and there are MANY facets. All of them have a lesson or something in there for us (and them), but a lesson does not equal "love".

My thoughts & experience anyway...............

GS
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:59 PM
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Agreed on the whole "Don't throw the word 'love' around" thing, but beyond that, relationships change. What started out as mono can turn into poly, and vice-versa.

One thing is for sure though, whether you're poly or not, you're not going to be happy unless you can share your feelings with your partner. That'll eat you away inside, and you'll wind up drunk and singing "Rocket Man" at a local Karaoke night before going home with some skeezy drunk who you'll get gonorrhea from and regret sleeping with forever. ....ok, well, maybe not all of that (at least, I sure hope not), but it'll definitely eat you up inside and make you either unhappy or numb, neither of which are any good at all. Thi is going to sound cliché, but communication is the bedrock upon which to build a stable relationship. I'm not sure how best to bring up the subject with your lady, perhaps discuss what's happened in the past, and talk about how you felt about her during that time... I dunno, but I think it needs to be done, even if you guys remain mono while you work on things. You don't have to dive in, but it's certainly important to you, therefore I think it must be discussed; even if the end result is not what you hoped for, at least you'll be able to communicate with your lover, and that's of tantamount importance.

What makes you think she could never go for a poly relationship? If she already accepted you for who you are, in spite of you having fallen in love with her best friend, perhaps she's more accepting than you think. Maybe she's had similar feelings about multiple men in the past. Like I said, talk to her about it. ....and good luck amigo.
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Old 12-15-2010, 07:40 PM
BobBear BobBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Poly is a lifestyle choice I think. You might be poly in nature, but when it comes down to it, the question is ultimately, can you pull it off. If you can go through the tremendous strain and hardship to get to a relationship with yourself and many others that is incredible and deep then you will have a successful and manageable a poly relationship dynamic I think.

If this is what you think you are heading then put the work in and figure it all out with the other women you love... that is where we all started pretty much and that is your start.... lucky for you there is an entire forum of knowledge to wade through... hope it helps
Redpepper, I have to respectfully disagree with one small part of your post. I do not believe that being poly (speaking for myself) is a lifestyle choice any more than being GLBT is a lifestyle choice. In me, poly is hardwired in my brain. I can not be monogamous by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know of this is a personality defect on my part or what.. It is who I am. The toughest part was admitting it to myself and accepting myself. The rest of your post is dead on though.. Poly is work and it is complex and it is really tough to be as honest as it seems to require to be poly. I have lost relationships where the other party could not accept me for me, and it hurts.... After that personal acceptance is when things got easier (no moral high ground here.. Failed sooner and regrouped earlier is all). I found that I had to work on myself and admit some things to myself before the rest of the relationships fell into place.. It is much easier if your lovers are also poly if only for the common ground factor.
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Old 12-15-2010, 10:21 PM
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@Bobbear- I figured someone would disagree. I guess what I was trying to point out is we can all do the mainstream monogamy when we are really able to love more than one or get around it; cheat, have an open relationship, remain single and date, swing... With poly though its not just nature, its effort put in to have integrity in our relationships through following our values and morals within it. That's the difference and that is a lifestyle choice to me.
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Old 12-17-2010, 05:37 AM
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
One thing is for sure though, whether you're poly or not, you're not going to be happy unless you can share your feelings with your partner. That'll eat you away... communication is the bedrock upon which to build a stable relationship. I'm not sure how best to bring up the subject... perhaps discuss what's happened in the past, and talk about how you felt about her during that time...
SvartSvensk, You brought up interesting points. What is the next step when you've done all of the above but your SO still refuses to accept? Do you tuck your physical desires under the rug, cheat, or get a divorce?
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Erin View Post
SvartSvensk, You brought up interesting points. What is the next step when you've done all of the above but your SO still refuses to accept? Do you tuck your physical desires under the rug, cheat, or get a divorce?
Cross that bridge when you come to it, and don't make assumptions about where things will end up ahead of time, because the truth is you have no way of knowing. Remain positive, loving, and open. If in the end, after being totally open and honest with each other, you find that you cannot pack away your physical desires, then talk about it, and do what's right by your partner and your situation. I doubt that if you and your SO are in a place where you can comfortably communicate on the deepest level you'll WANT to divorce. Surviving that kind of communication creates a bond few things can sever. I think most of us are poly because it's the most sensible solution to the fact that human beings are innately promiscuous (whether sex, love, or both) yet live in a society driven by material possession and property transference, which has, since its very inception, depended on monogamous legal relationships - IE the institution of Marriage.
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