Redpepper's journey

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

They need a computer monitoring program or something like that Lilo Maybe Ari can whip us up something...not that kind of "whip"

I can probably help with either ...I know a good whip maker ummmmm...

work on a word sensory system for polyamory emails. haha...

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

I can probably help with either ...I know a good whip maker ummmmm...

work on a word sensory system for polyamory emails. haha...

Thanks man...I knew I could count on you to have my back....errr you know what I mean

Sagacity coming up if anyone wants to see me get what I deserve for being such a crappy boyfriend

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Well as long as you don't argue with yourself...and lose!

No way Derby...I'm a real winner. Wait now, I don't think that is a compliment

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Does that stop you talking to yourself?

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Ummm...you're interrupting my conversation with myself

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Well as long as you don't argue with yourself...and lose!

I'll tell you what my therapist told me years ago. She said, "Honey, it's okay to talk to yourself. It's even okay to answer back. The only time to worry is if you catch yourself saying "Hmm? Come again?"

[redpepper]

So there has been more drama come out of my night with Leo. His wife was jealous...

I didn't get a chance to find out why until today. I managed to meet him for a very quick coffee and catch up on how our respective partners are doing. It seems that there have been some struggles with our having alone time together in my room....

Mono and I have worked it out to a large extent. It sounds like the issue was more about the energy that Leo and I created in his space than anything else. I can't help that, I can monitor what I do in actions, but not in energy... it is just not possible.

We give so much to our relationship Mono and I, he pushes himself and so do I. This poly/mono thing is very hard for both of us... yet we do it. We love each other so much, it's worth the effort and sacrifice... It is going to be compromises from here on in I think... rather than boundaries. That is just how it is.

Leo's wife is struggling because he is so happy when he has been out with me. I make his depression lift and he comes home beaming. She is unable to do that in his life and so she is jealous and angry that she gets to deal with the depressed Leo while I get the not depressed one.

I pointed out that that isn't true. I get to see him once a month for a few hours and we enjoy our time. I don't want more, but he goes home with that energy and uses it to benefit his home life. It turns out he has been suppressing it though. I asked him not to do that, but he thinks that she will be more angry. I suggested that he tell her that his happiness through my involvement in his life would benefit her if she were willing to allow it in her life as a positive, but she isn't there yet. She is jealous of me on many levels and this is just icing on the cake... there is nothing I can do, but let them sort it out I think.

I have not been in a situation like this before. I have never had a female metamour in terms of a wife before either... a whole other ball of wax it seems.

I let him know that I would like if we could be trusted friends and that she come to me with some stuff that goes on for her, but I realize I am not going to be that in her life. I am here for her, she knows that. I advocate for her every time I see him. I remind him to leave his store early sometimes and go home to be with her. I give him ideas about what she might be going through, what might be nice for her. The first thing we talk about is her. Her happiness effects mine and everyone elses... its important to me that my metamours are happy with me and with their relationships.

So, we left each other with thoughts of next month... no bedroom visits for awhile, he needs to give his wife some attention and Mono is in charge of when I can have a visitor again for now. I want to be able to give him some of his energy back. I want him to know that I respect his space and that he has a say in what I do in there as people I invite need to travel through his space to get to mine.

[redpepper]

I just wrote a long email to Leo telling him that how I feel and requesting that we go back to being friends that meet for a drink every now and then (not even once a month). I am not in this game to hurt and harm people. I want to be free to love in helping all rather than in harming and I don't see that happening as a result of our relationship being closer than it has been in the past.

I looked at our pictures of camping and skiing together as two families that enjoy each others time together and I don't want to be the cause of that to change. I asked him if he did and wait now for a reply. Perhaps it is worth striving for more closeness for him. I don't know yet.

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bare and therefore not tell him stuff.

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

.................

I went to see Derby today who has struggles of her own going on... we were a support to one another I think and I was grateful that her and I think a like on so many things... it makes it hard to empathize with others sometimes, but we strategies around how to accomplish that and we muse about how others might feel quite often in order to move forward some how. I appreciate and am grateful for her support and that she allows me to support her too.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

.................

I went to see Derby today who has struggles of her own going on... we were a support to one another I think and I was grateful that her and I think a like on so many things... it makes it hard to empathize with others sometimes, but we strategies around how to accomplish that and we muse about how others might feel quite often in order to move forward some how. I appreciate and am grateful for her support and that she allows me to support her too.

Sorry things are difficult right now Lilo. We've taken a step back it seems but I am sure we will end up where we are meant to be regardless of what that looks like. We just can't be afraid of where that is. I am who I am and you are who you are. Regardless, I will always be here for support. I am glad you have Derby to talk to.
I love you Bbay.

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bare and therefore not tell him stuff.

From my perspective Mono's DADT is more so that he can maintain the tricks that he uses to get himself through things. He's perceptive enough to already know what's going on and how you're feeling he just doesn't want it affirmed verbally from you. (Or I could be talking out of my butt...if I am can you set me straight Mono?)

I don't think it's an either or thing. To me this seems more like a place to test where the boundary is where you can both be comfortable. Maybe there could be a code word that you can come up with when it seems that you're getting close to talking about things that Mono's not able to handle in a healthy fashion.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bare and therefore not tell him stuff.

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

There is a distinct difference between dishonesty, being discreet and a DADT policy. You, I think, are being asked to be discreet. He isn't asking to know nothing, he is asking for you to be discreet about details that he finds painful. At least thats my take on it. I look differently at discretion than you do however, I find it is something I can build a relationship on. I am an open book, but there are some things I like to have between us. It creates a nice private bond, which I enjoy with my partners.

I am actually putting a blog post together about this because it is related to my relationships right now.

Instead of having the extremes, hist need for you to absolute freedom vs you need for absolute freedom to communicate, why not try and find something in the middle to work with.

[MonoVCPHG]

I think I am figuring out more and more about this. The relationship RP has with Leo has come close to levels of intimacy that cross boundaries for me. I'm not sure where their level of closeness is heading or what they do in the grey area between friendship and two people who love each other and want each other sexually. We've known that for a long time but the room visit confirmed that I am worried things are going too far down the physical path. A good way to gauge if something is going to far is if you wouldn't do it with me sitting in the room because you think it would disturb me, then that is too much. I don't know how to put it any simpler. The tricks I play in my head are simply trying to deny that that level of intimacy and contact occurs. The other trick is I secretly limit our relationship in my mind. That seems to create balance for me. It is totally unfair but it seems to help. I'm not open to other men in Redpepper's life in intimate ways. I am open to her having all the male friends in the world. I was happy with her relationship with Leo and still am. It's not an all or nothing. If that movie had of been anywhere else it might have been different. I wouldn't have been so aware of them being so close and if I didn't hear about the energy they created I wouldn't have reacted as such I think. I tested something, pushed something and it didn't work. Yes, my acceptance of their relationship is based "partly" on skimming over how connected they are but it works. I need to give a little, and I need to do whatever it takes to do that, but the room visit was too much ultimately. I felt like I facilitated her pushing our boundaries as well as her own boundaries with Leo.

Maybe one day I will change I'm late for work, take care everyone. We'll get through this.