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  #1  
Old 12-17-2010, 01:10 AM
crobin007 crobin007 is offline
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Default My story is similar to the some of yours....

I posted the beginning of my story last January, after I found out my boyfriend of 5 years, the father of my child, had left me for someone else. He wanted to explore the possibility of a triad. I loved him so much, I wanted to try it out as well. She rejected me at first because of the deep emotions that him and I had shared through the years. So, I just kept loving him, thinking that if I loved him enough he would come home.

However, he never did. He stayed with her and they got married on 10-10-10, which happened to be the same day that we were going to get married. This whole year he has been trying to introduce the idea of a triad relationship with both her and I. After they got married (but before they told me they did get married) I finally met her and she is really nice. I liked her a lot- despite her breaking up my family, essentially. We spent about two weeks communicating and everything was going really good, until I found out they got married. Now you have to understand I got really upset because he spent 5 years with me and told me almost everyday he did not believe in marriage.

So, now he is married. He is moving across country and bringing his new wife with him. He says that he wants me to move as well for the sake of our child and that he still loves me and wishes that I would give the triad idea a chance. What do I have to lose? I explained to him that I would lose my job, my friends, my family. What would I even tell them? They would not be accepting whatsoever with that decision. I am just so confused.

Do I really give this a chance? Or do I move on in hopes to find someone else that will love me and only me? I am still madly deeply in love with this man. BTW, we are all 31 years old-- not that it matters but who knows it might. Please help. I am so confused.
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Old 12-17-2010, 03:01 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Get a lawyer to file custody agreements and make sure he is paying you child support. Do not trust him.
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Old 12-17-2010, 03:13 AM
crobin007 crobin007 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Get a lawyer to file custody agreements and make sure he is paying you child support. Do not trust him.
:-( Thanks for the advice. Yes, I have not done anything through the courts because I have remained in good relations with him. I am really hurt he got married to her after not marrying me, but he tells me often he loves me and wishes that I could be more open to the triad.
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Old 12-17-2010, 03:29 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I am really hurt he got married to her after not marrying me
This is very telling. He cheated, he lied and he hid the fact that he had married his new girlfriend. Personally, I woud run from this guy and protect yourself legally.
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Old 12-17-2010, 04:37 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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First: I am so sorry for your pain.

As for advice, I would urge you to observe and consider his ACTIONS carefully. People can say anything, but actions reveal the heart.
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Old 12-17-2010, 06:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crobin007 View Post
. . . everything was going really good, until I found out they got married . . . I got really upset because he spent 5 years with me and told me almost everyday he did not believe in marriage.

. . . He says that he wants me to move as well for the sake of our child and that he still loves me and wishes that I would give the triad idea a chance.
Ugh, I can't tell you how many times in my life someone I had fallen for who said he never wanted to get married, went and married someone else. Then I would realize he just didn't want to marry me! So frustrating [sigh] but I also think it's indicative of a person who cannot be honest with himself or anyone else, and who enjoys drama. I mean, really, who the fuck hides the fact that they got married? That's something out of a soap opera!

I think you need to get over him as best you can and move on. Protect your child, protect yourself, and tell him it's over.
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:09 AM
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I am sorry you are in pain. It is heart breaking to read your story. I wish it were different for you... but it isn't and I think perhaps its time to move on and ignore his last ditch effort to reel you into his control by stringing you along by your heart strings. He seems to likes you to be in love with him. He likes that you love him so much that you are waiting and wants that to continue.

Does he have any clue what a triad is? There is no possible way that a triad situation with this man and his new wife would work out to benefit you in my opinion. He wants you to be their unicorn... all for them, never to stray elsewhere and for the love to be perfectly equal all around... Do you love her like you do him? Does he love you the same way, or are you just the mother of his child and does he think that means he has some right to own you?

On the other hand....

I can see a vee, maybe. I can see that it might work that way? That way you could live elsewhere, see him occasionally, he could be more of a Dad in a hands on way, could arrange time with you alone to have a relationship of more intimacy, but she would have to agree. What would she think about that? Have you and her discussed possibilities? Would she be willing to allow this kind of dynamic to evolve in her marriage? would you be willing to do this?

As for the whole marriage thing? He just didn't want to marry you I think. He wanted to make a baby with you, but was not willing to commit to the whole package. So be it. You know that now and can work within it no?

I think if I were you I would take a long hard look at your life and what you have going for you that is not anything to do with him and then decide.

If you decide that you want to give it a shot with him and she is in agreement, then I think I would carry out a long distance thing for a year or so and see where you get. Perhaps after a year you could revisit the idea of you moving or request that they move back. You could go slowly and see where it all leads... all the while making sure that you have a life of your own, including your own goals out side of the dynamic you are trying on for size. That way, if it doesn't work out you are not left high and dry.

If you decide that the marriage thing is just too much, or that the move is too much, or the fact that he wants a triad, whatever...then it's time to move on. Nothing wrong with that... it's just a matter of deciding it and making the necessary arrangements for child support and custody. Lucky you; no need to file for divorce
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Old 12-18-2010, 04:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Crobin,

Ouch !

There's obviously a lot more to the story than you could convey in one short post. No matter.........it is what it is now.

The list of reasons he avoided marriage with you and then turned around and married someone else could be long. I wouldn't even begin to project into that.

I agree wholeheartedly with Redpepper though. At BEST, I would experiment with how a 3 way relationship might go with them - AT A DISTANCE. I certainly wouldn't be giving up job, family, security etc to go tagging along across the country on a wish. Far too many things to be discovered yet. Including the REAL reason his attitude suddenly changed regarding marriage.

Although I certainly have no respect for the attitude & approach of Sneacnail (stick it to him), my instincts say that he is trying to play both ends to avoid things getting messy. And they don't have to. You share a child and the relationship between the two of you will have a LOT to teach your child. You can teach him/her about love and the reality of being in relationship with people where each respects the other's needs and supports them - or not.
We can love people deeply and still be unable to live with them continuously for a variety of non-defamatory reasons. It's ok.

Be realistic. Be kind. Be SMART !

GS
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Old 12-18-2010, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Although I certainly have no respect for the attitude & approach of Sneacnail (stick it to him), my instincts say that he is trying to play both ends to avoid things getting messy.
I will admit that my posts may have been a bit harsh, but getting legal protection for herself and her child is not the same thing as "sticking it to him". I have watched enough single mothers spend time and energy going back to court, because the ex has decided that he doesn't want to support his former family, especially after he has moved away.
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Old 12-18-2010, 07:03 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Nothing wrong with protecting your family. The fact is, this guy is dishonest and unreliable, and has continued to be this way. I know it's painful, but you deserve better. Make appropriate legal arrangements. Since you were together for so long and have a child together, that may even constitute common law marriage. Don't let him jerk you around - take control of your life and your situation. Use what support network you have to keep things together as best you can while in this transition.

If there were any way a relationship between you guys would work, it would need to start with him doing a lot of work on himself, and earning your trust, or else history would be doomed to repeat itself. Don't tell him he needs to do this, let him figure it out. If he really cares about you, he'll do it on his own... but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I'm truly sorry for your difficult situation, but you must summon the strength to rise above, for the sake of your child and your own emotional health.

Best of luck.

-Svart
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