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Old 12-16-2010, 01:32 AM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Default Communication vs. Sharing too much

I know that communication is super important on all aspects. When GF decided she wanted some space form my OSO I told him so and the reasons why. P got upset because he wishes he never new why because now he feels like he has to pretend like he never knew to begin with. Sometimes I realize I tell too much. For instance sometimes I chat with my girl friends about my relationships looking for advice. Its not as though I would call them up to say "Hey my realtionship is going so wonderfully so why dont we chat about it?" no I call when I have troubles. Now P feels as though that is an invasion of his privacy. is it? Yes to an extent, but it involves me and if I cant talk to my OSO or friends about things I feel like I am bottling them all up. I feel that at age 20 being a female it is rather natural to complain now and again about things, but SO feels it is not okay for me to do this. I understand and want to respect his privacy and at the same time I feel it is vital for me to be able to talk to other people.

Sometimes I will talk to SO (P) about an instance a friend had (say he asked me how a friend was and instead of saying fine, i might say "she was rather drunk". It really might not be my place to say this but I feel as though I trust my SO and mean no harm by it. He takes offense because if i was to say this to him, I might say it to one of my friends about him, which he finds hurtful.

I feel like everytime we discuss this we can never come to a conclusion because when he tells me to stop sharing stuff with him about other people I feel this overwhelming feeling of "wow I cant talk to anyone about anything".

I feel kind of like a bad gossipy person, but I honestly never mean any harm and dont just say anything to anyone. Do any of you have any ideas how to discuss this in a manner that will be productive for all parties involved?

what are you opinions?
Do you ever talk to a friend about things going on in your relationships knowing that it is said in confidence between you and your friends? I guess my struggle is I rarley think people are judging me and do not really care what people talk about me, i am fairy open about my sex life and my social life and whatnot and I have to come to terms that SO is more private in many ways. I feel almost limited by his privacy needs but at the same time I understand them and long to respect them. I just feel by doing so I am bottling everything up.

Advice please
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Old 12-16-2010, 04:18 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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This is a real balancing act. And one which some of us have a harder time with than others.

In regards to relationships I work hard to have distinct lines in the sand as it were about what is said. Privacy and discretion are things I work hard to maintain. It is far from easy. I am in the same boat as you, being open and honest about my sexuality, but people around me may not have that liberty. I have to be cognizant of that.

In the end, we all want to be open with someone but it just isn't possible. You have to respect what he doesn't want to hear as long as it doesn't become offensive to you.

There is a balance in communicating. The sender and receiver, sometimes in poly, people ignore the receivers want, in our "blind" need to communicate everything. Sometimes people forget discretion.

Will mistakes be made, yes, hopefully everyone can learn from them
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Old 12-16-2010, 05:19 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I don't mind opening up everything, as long as I'm with someone who can do the same. If someone has something they don't want to talk about, fair enough. But I'll only hide too. I don't like that. I think in a relationship it is healthier to be completely open. To a random stranger, not so much. I mean, it's not like I'm just going to blurt out my bank details or anything. But that has nothing to do with communication, it's just information nobody but you needs to know.
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Old 12-16-2010, 06:27 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I dunno, I'm the queen of over sharing. I have nothing to hide. I like getting as many opinions as I can. I like having conversations about situations with as many people as possible.

I have no doubt I say things that others dont want to hear, or didn't want shared. In some ways I feel guilty about that, but in others, it is who I am.

In the same regard, I am an inquisitive person. I like to know things. Not so much to be a gossip, but more to have a better understanding of people and why they do things. And it helps me connect with them.
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Old 12-16-2010, 08:13 AM
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To me gossip is when people just bad mouth others for no other reason than to make them look bad and to belittle their name... figuring stuff out by venting and then getting to the point where one tries to empathize and find a way to work out what is going on, is completely different and very healthy. I hope that people involved in my life would do that, because that is a sign that they love me, or at least care about me. I love it when people ask me stuff about others in order to understand them more... also healthy... its all in the attitude behind it I think.

If a person's vent never ends and turns into a negative spiraling downwards piss session, I'm outta there. I can't stand that shit... such a waste of time an energy.
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Old 12-18-2010, 08:20 PM
OneUncagedBird OneUncagedBird is offline
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Default I agree..

I agree with Redpepper, if what you are doing is talking to get other people's perspectives and help you better understand yourself and what you want that is healthy. I do that. I often won't even know what I want until I talk it out with someone and have the opportunity to express my thoughts successively. So, maybe that is the way you should try to express it. Say that you are looking to vent your feelings, but get a better more rounded perspective. You are looking for advice and ways to make your relationship work better that you yourself may not have seen. It is never your intention to badmouth or destroy your relationship. Even express how supportive your friends are, as I assume they are based on what you said. But you are going to have to give a little in terms of the things you may say, because some people are very private and that will definitely drive a wedge between you. Ask questions like, what things are you uncomfortable with me talking about? What is okay to say? Dig to clarify the lines. And also, try to make it clear that you will say many more things in your relationship about the people around you because of the intimacy you share. And it is not about just babbling on telling everything that happens to anyone. The nature of your relationship makes you feel as if you can say anything and everything. Or at least that you should be able to. Anyway, those are my suggestions and thoughts. Good luck.
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:54 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I talk to close (already proven trustworthy) friends about issues in my relationships.
I do not talk to "new" friends or my parents.
I learned the hard way-family has a harder time forgiving than I do.

I think it's a tightrope walk to find that comfortable place between open communication and crossing privacy boundaries.
I think I fuck it up regularly between myself, DH and BF. But I keep trying.

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Old 12-21-2010, 09:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I dunno, I'm the queen of over sharing. I have nothing to hide. I like getting as many opinions as I can. I like having conversations about situations with as many people as possible.

I have no doubt I say things that others dont want to hear, or didn't want shared. In some ways I feel guilty about that, but in others, it is who I am.

In the same regard, I am an inquisitive person. I like to know things. Not so much to be a gossip, but more to have a better understanding of people and why they do things. And it helps me connect with them.
This is me all over too. I call it honesty-diarrhoea! I like talking to people about things and hearing different people's opinions, and talking things through helps me figure out my feelings on subjects and how I am going to react to situations, I find that the process of discussion with friends is very important to me in working myself out.

Like redpepper said there is a major difference between gossip - which can be nasty (although not always) but is basically for entertainment purposes - and discussing things about your life with friends (or them discussing their lives with you) as a natural function of the relationship you have with the person you are talking to.

My ex-partner was also a privacy freak - to be honest it's probably a large part of why we are not together any more, I'm pretty sure if he'd been a more open person, we'd have been talking about things more openly that got kicked under the carpet until it was too late (we're both at fault, I didn't push him to open up either).

I'd go with OneUncagedBird's suggestions - to seek clarity and boundaries that are acceptable to both of you - ie ensuring that the communication between the two of you about the issue of communication isn't shut down and finding that compromise, if it's there.
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Old 12-22-2010, 02:08 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I like getting as many opinions as I can. I like having conversations about situations with as many people as possible.
I don't mind my wife discussing things involving me with a close friend or three, as long as I'm convinced those close friends are reasonably discreet. Were she to be having conversations about situations involving me with as many people as possible, there would be very few situations involving me in the future to discuss--once the divorce were final, there wouldn't be any.

I once sang her a song in voicemail. She thought it was so very cute and shared it with a group of her coworkers. There have been no more songs in voicemail, nor will there ever be another one. I am not a dog and pony show and will not be treated as such by anyone.
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  #10  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:30 PM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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Default To Share or Not to Share?

My bf, his gf and I recently got together for a "family meeting". There were some issues we were all having and we wanted to sit down and talk them out, and hopefully come up with some solutions/clear the air.

It went really well, but there was a particular problem that came up and I wanted to find out if any of you have had similar problems and how you dealt with them.

My bf's gf is a very private person and new to polyamory. She said that it made her feel unsafe and insecure to have my bf and I discuss his sex life with her when we were alone together. She said it made her feel excluded and she wanted to keep their sex life private.

To me, being able to ask my bf about his sex practices with other partners is essential to my feelings of security and safety. Also, I enjoy hearing about new and exciting things he is doing sexually. I was triggered by the thought of not being able to find out what I need to feel secure, and had a lot of trouble communicating that to her.

In the end, we worked out an agreement that if they did anything new in bed, that either he would ask her permission before telling me, or that she would tell me herself. Also, I would work on asking her directly about what they were doing (which made me uncomfortable, but I promised I would try.

Have any of you had issues with full disclosure? How did you deal with that?
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