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  #41  
Old 08-08-2009, 01:14 AM
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As far as the school thing goes, my sons are in the 10th and 7th grades and their friends, their friends parents, and the teachers and administrators all know because we have included our partners in all the school functions as they were part of the children's lives and no one seems to have a problem with it. CPS has never been called, people don't leave when we come around, on the contrary, they come up to us and carry on conversations because they see the love we and our loves have for the children and since both of my sons are a-b honor roll kids and involved in EVERYTHING that happens at school they can see that what I do behind closed doors does not effect them in the negetive. And the kids seem to get along with us better then most of the other adults and I think it is because they can be honest with us and they know we won't judge them, as a matter of fact, some of my eldest son's friends will come to me with problems (the ones of a sexual nature) that they don't feel confortable going to their own parents about because we aren't sooooo uptight!! I'm one of the cool parents!!!!
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  #42  
Old 08-08-2009, 04:37 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Our sons and my other love's daughter are all off to college and know nothing, other than we are all dear friends who've spent 20 years doing things together. Surely they know we all share some kind of deep friendship/love together but don't know the actual details or living arrangements we share intimately. I know that atleast 2 of the 3 ( who are more eclectic)will take it well, knowing that their parents are in love and living well with eachother, the third one is probably a little more conservative and will initially probably not know how to handle it. He may view my other love as a threat to his mom, but I don't think it would last for long. I know the secrecy wears on my wife as she worries that we may screw up our kids lives forever. They are all adults now and probably not nearly as shocked by alt lifestyles as my wife is. I'm sure they'll be ok and our fears unfounded. Having said that we'll probably wait another year or two if we can to ease them into the idea. Don't know if this helps anyone else out there.
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  #43  
Old 08-18-2009, 04:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Indref View Post
Please let me know how that pans out!
We had orientation tonight, and I attended with my other partners and their children. (My husband works nights so he couldn't attend.) When they were asked who they were by my daughter's teacher, they introduced themselves as family. No other questions were asked. We'll see how it progresses. We all met all of the children's teachers, and walked to each of their classrooms, and let each of the teachers know that any one of us might be picking up the kids. (Even though we live in different houses, this school is a Montessori program and we all applied to it.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper
what made you decide to send them to public school?
Actually, it was a combination of many different factors. My other partners' daughter has attended the Montessori program for two years, and she loves it. My daughter has begged to go to school for some time. I thought the Montessori program would be closer to what we've been doing at home than sending her to a regular school. My oldest, who is 15, is attending a public high school this year, and I felt that it wouldn't be fair to send him but tell my daughter that she couldn't go. Last but not least, our finances are such that I might have to get a job, and this was better than trying to fit an education into my spare moments.

I wanted to add, our kids are 4, 8, 10, and 15. We are a quad of married couples. It's been hard on the 15 yo because we were monogamous until earlier this year. At no point have I ever felt it appropriate to discuss our sex lives with our kids--I have flat out told the 15 yo that it was none of his business. But we have worked very hard to reassure the 15 yo that we are in a committed relationship, that his father and I love each other and do wish to continue our relationship with each other, and that the other couple love him and want his happiness just as much as we do. I stressed that he now has two extra people to go to if he needs someone to talk to--and that those other two people might have a different perspective than his parents. It's taken him a while, but I think he's starting to adjust. We stress to the kids that we are a family.

When we are all in the same house, the adults sleep in the same bed. The younger kids all seem to accept this and it doesn't bother them in the least. We are not overly affectionate with each other in public. I know that the 8 yo recently told her grandparents something, because the grandmother reacted oddly and made a comment about our sleeping arrangements. However, that's as far as it went. It really isn't a topic that comes up often in normal conversation. Even though we just started school, we've been in the homeschool co-op together for years and none of our kids have made any comments at the co-op that have raised any eyebrows.
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  #44  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:44 PM
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How do people deal with family members who notice you spend an unusual amount of time with an additonal person outside of your marriage and almost feel jealous and a bit confused with the situation?
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  #45  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted by pokey View Post
How do people deal with family members who notice you spend an unusual amount of time with an additional person outside of your marriage and almost feel jealous and a bit confused with the situation?
Why would "they" feel jealous? I can see confused, but I'm not getting the jealousy part unless "they" wanted to have that kind of relationship with the person/family.
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  #46  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:52 PM
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Default re:family

I guess they feel like I spend less time with them and feel that I am probably more distant towards them than I was in the past, because I feel like they might "figure it out"
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  #47  
Old 08-27-2009, 04:54 PM
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Pokey, I really think that, unless you want your family members to know that you're polyamorous, you should just act as if you other partner is a really good friend. If you act as if you have a secret, they'll know something is up, do you know what I mean? But it's not unusual to have a close friend of either sex that you spend a lot of time with. Keep in mind that you don't have to talk about your sex life, and it's none of your family member's business. There's no need to cut your family out of your life, and doing so will probably make them MORE suspicious.
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  #48  
Old 08-27-2009, 05:13 PM
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Redpepper's son has expressed some jealousy over how much "date time" I get with his mom. Not because of my time with her, but because of her time with me! I took Monday off so me and her son could have a full day together and he seems quite happy with this I also told him I need more time with his dad too.

It's nice to be so popular with the chosen family you love
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  #49  
Old 08-29-2009, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pokey View Post
How do people deal with family members who notice you spend an unusual amount of time with an additonal person outside of your marriage and almost feel jealous and a bit confused with the situation?
are you sure it's not envy of which you speak?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring."

I have this same question... especially as a mother!

My thing is with others being possibly envious of what I have as I am so happy and fulfilled. They don't understand how much work it has taken to get here and that they too can create whatever works for them...

I'd love to know how to deal with the outside world on this one... perhaps not on this thread though, I will start another.
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  #50  
Old 09-21-2009, 06:37 AM
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Just a small update on the topic of poly with kids... this is an older thread but as I've written on here before about it I thought this would be as good a place as any to write.

The major concerns my extended family have had about my poly nature and the of existence of my other primary in my life is that of how it effects my son. They are worried about my relationship with my husband too, but my son is the big concern.

They thought I wasn't spending enough time with him, that it would be weird for him and that he will be confused as to who his father is. There is the added pressure of what will happen when people at his school find out. Or others on our street.

I am concerned too. I have never had this relationship style be viewed by anyone but the people involved before and I am flying by the seat of my pants with it. I figure the best I can do is keep my communication going with my son, give him as much time with me as I can and wait for his questions, statements and view points to reveal themselves.

Today I awoke to the sounds of my boy stirring in his room and calling for me. When I went I reminded him that Mono had looked after him the night before and that he was still here and would look after him while his Daddy and I slept a bit longer. I stayed with him while he used the toilet and dressed and chatted with him as he got ready... Out of the blue he asked me, " Is Mono's bed comfortable (of course his name isn't really that, but you get the ideas)?" I told him he would have to ask him as I didn't know if it was. He replied that I must know because I go there and sleep in it with him. I answered that I do actually do that and that I thought he meant the couch bed he had slept in all night. He said, "no, you go there when I am asleep sometimes to sleep in his bed." I said I do and that it is indeed comfortable. He laughed and just said, "Oh" in a shy kind of "I'm not sure I should be asking those questions way" and ran off yelling out, "Mono, I'm ready for our date now!" (he calls it a date because he once complained that we both get dates with Mono and he doesn't).... I went back to bed full of thought.

He obviously knows more than I realized... it made me realize also that hiding our love for one another hasn't worked. Even though we have done our best to hide it. In fact I wonder if it caused his shyness around asking his question....? I don't know? Was the shyness out of a feeling of loss in someway, or observation, or just that he wasn't sure he was allowed to talk about it...? Maybe I should sit him down and have a heart to heart? He knows I love Mono... but I love a lot of people and say so...

I feel as if I have to tread very slowly here, but perhaps not as slowly as I originally thought.
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