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  #11  
Old 08-24-2009, 02:33 PM
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Yes, caring for the future is important. But it is just important to remind ourselves, frequently, that we neither do nor can live in the future -- for as soon as the future arrives it is is the present: now. The future is always arriving as the next moment, and yet the only moment we really have is now. And now again.

What we think and do in the present puts a spin on how things unfold into the future nows. We can catch ourselves in the act of putting that spin in things when we notice the pattern or habits of thought we're enacting. If we're having a lot of "What if he leaves (abandons) me?" thoughts, and we look into that, we may notice that, for example, we had the same tendency last time we were involved in a loverly relationship. If we look even more we may remember some sort of abandonment we experienced as children. If we continue to look, we may realize that our whole posture to things in life is about trying to keep ourselves from being abandoned, and that our unaddressed abandonment trauma keeps us from enjoying our relationships in the present. So isn't it interesting that by paying even closer attention to the present we can begin to liberate ourselves from the habits of our past -- and thereby cultivate a happier future mainly by attending to now?
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  #12  
Old 08-24-2009, 07:43 PM
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Hi Redpepper -
I think it is somewhat like that. It is all based on fear... fear of loss in some way. Also, the fear that if he knows this is "temporary" then I do not want to invest so much.

The thing is we cannot promise that we will be together forever... For one, It is simply too soon. I can't say that to him either. I do not even know if I want that yet. And really, We are enjoying ourselves. This is something I do not want to run away from - even if it were "temporary". At the moment, anyways.

So, It is a bit irrational... He said that he can promise that he will be honest with me. And that he does want to keep seeing me.

In my marriage I had the promise of "forever". But not the promise of honesty... And the "forever" was a lie.... so I really had nothing. Ironic.

I hate to compare to that horrible relationship, but I can't help it sometimes. As my friend said " if you compare all your future relationships to your marriage, you will ALWAYS sell yourself short, even if they are light-years better." - yes, she was right on. Sad, but true.
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  #13  
Old 08-24-2009, 08:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
It is all based on fear... fear of loss in some way. Also, the fear that if he knows this is "temporary" then I do not want to invest so much.
Everything is temporary. Nothing at all lasts forever. People die, they end romantic relationships..., things are always changing, and nothing can stop this constant change from doing what it will.

Some relationships hold together for decades, even lifetimes. But they all end, if not prior to death then at death.

When you embrace that fact unflinchingly, without turning away, you can liberate your heart from the fear of loss -- which may keep you from opening to the fullness of the sharing of love in the only time you have: now.

since feeling is first
e.e. cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you ....

http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~richie/p...l/poem162.html
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  #14  
Old 08-24-2009, 08:15 PM
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The promise of "forever" but not the promise of "honesty".

Well isn't that just hitting the nail on the head of what the problem with marriage is. I think "honesty" should be added to those vows that are handed to us because for some reason we think we can't make our own.

I'm so glad I didn't say those when I married my husband because they really do sink in some how and have meaning. We made our own and still stick to them. "Honesty" was amongst the words I believe as we were poly back then too.

Maybe you could make your own vows about this whole thing. Something along the lines of, "I will vow to stay true to myself and my boundaries. I will take care to not become so involved that I don't leave a path to the future that is my own and no one elses. I will live in the moment, while keeping the future in mind. I will nurture what I am creating, stay open to change, growth, self care and love. I will be honest and willing to let go of jealousy, fear, and any past experience that could taint what I have today."

Any, all or whatever works for you, could be very powerful in making yourself feel content with things where they are and where you are going. This kind of thing helps me on a daily basis as I tend to get wrapped up in things that I have no control over and have nothing to do with me.
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  #15  
Old 08-24-2009, 08:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
"I will vow to stay true to myself and my boundaries. I will take care to not become so involved that I don't leave a path to the future that is my own and no one elses. I will live in the moment, while keeping the future in mind. I will nurture what I am creating, stay open to change, growth, self care and love. I will be honest and willing to let go of jealousy, fear, and any past experience that could taint what I have today."

.
Wow ..were these your vows?
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  #16  
Old 08-25-2009, 05:56 AM
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no no, those are ones I thought of that Redsirenn could say to herself to get through her doubtful feelings.
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  #17  
Old 08-26-2009, 08:43 AM
confusedbutcurious1 confusedbutcurious1 is offline
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I just wanted to say that this was a great post and helped me a lot by reading it. I know that in my situation is close to yours in the fact that what I feel a lot of is fear. I am slowly losing my fear but it is a very slow process for me. It is frustrating. I wish you the best!
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  #18  
Old 08-26-2009, 05:49 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I think those fears of the future can arise any time there are major life changes going on. I'm currently unemployed and I have to go a couple of rounds daily with fears of an uncertain future. Changes in major relationships bring on the same sort of thing.

One thing I've found that helps is to create scenarios for both good and ill. Think of the good ways that the future can play out and feel how good that would be. Then think of how bad things could play out--and then how you would get past the bad stuff and how good that would feel.

In other words, figure out how to arrive at a good place, regardless of what happens.

[I'm really stressed about the job search, so I think I need to do more of this.]
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  #19  
Old 08-26-2009, 05:56 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
I think those fears of the future can arise any time there are major life changes going on.
Absolutely. I have a second child on the way and am recently unemployed due to the pregnancy. I worry about stress, money, space, not being able to give my 100% to the husband and both kids, let alone ever have another relationship. But I know that as time goes on it will all settle into its own natural rhythm. And then I won't even remember what I was so worried about. (I hope. )
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  #20  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:40 PM
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I have read a lot of these threads especially Redpeppers . I have a lot of trouble dealing with the stress of feeling like I live with such a huge secret. How do people deal with this??
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