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  #21  
Old 12-15-2010, 02:34 AM
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hierarchical poly is so confusing sometimes. I find it to be a useful thing at the beginning of exploring poly but after a time Vetos, primary/secondary and all that get tiresome and don't work anymore... perhaps this is where you are heading... why label yourself? You can describe her as you see fit and so can she. If she has moved on to someone more suitable as a partner for her everyday needs, then that is a good thing no? You aren't as available, but that doesn't mean you are worthless to her.

After one has started a poly relationship it becomes all about negotiating boundaries rather than veto and primary/secondary relationships... I am finding that far more respectful and workable.

I am wondering if you have had a chance to read around the forums a bit... do some tag searches, look at the stickies. You might find some stuff helpful to you in your situation and just helpful in your dynamic in general.
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  #22  
Old 12-15-2010, 03:10 AM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Well part of the problem was that I felt the boundaries kept shifting without any negotation or discussion. Each week we would meet, she would change a boundary unilaterally without asking me, just presenting it as a fact. At least that is how I felt. As soon as I would adjust, she would change it again, until I finally couldn't take it any more
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  #23  
Old 12-15-2010, 03:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrangerinKS View Post
Well part of the problem was that I felt the boundaries kept shifting without any negotation or discussion. Each week we would meet, she would change a boundary unilaterally without asking me, just presenting it as a fact. At least that is how I felt. As soon as I would adjust, she would change it again, until I finally couldn't take it any more
I am curious - can you share some examples?
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  #24  
Old 12-15-2010, 04:09 AM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Well, within a five week period, i went from "the only lover she ever needed other than her husband" and "her main love" to "I am spending time with person-X because I am lonely, but he is just for fun, you are the one I love" to "I love person-X, but I love you more" to "I love you and person-X equally" to "I love you, but person-X is now my main priority."

I know my insecurities were a big issue. She said she understood how the rapid changes could make me insecure, but then said that part of the reason for the rapid changes was because of my insecurity. I expressed my insecurity as calmly as possible...there were no accusations or yellling or anything...in fact we were usually in bed holding each other during these discussions. I usually just got sad and cried a little, then could pull myself together and tell her I would adapt.

Please remember that this was the first time with something like this for me, I tried as hard as I could to adapt to these changes, and up until the end I was doing well, but in the end the last change just broke me. I felt like i was in a no-win situation.

Now I look back and think I could have given it more time, but it is too late now.

Last edited by StrangerinKS; 12-15-2010 at 04:23 AM.
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  #25  
Old 12-15-2010, 04:15 AM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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I really wanted her to be happy...and I had no problems sharing her sexually. But I just couldn't adapt that quickly to sharing her emotionally. It was just too fast for me.

At our last meeting, I asked her what she would do if she were in my situation. She told me that she wouldn't be able to stand it, that she would leave. I told her that I needed time to think about it. I thought about it for several days, after many tears and discussions with my wife I decided to end it, but now regret the decision, thinking that if I had worked more on my insecurity maybe it could have worked out.
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  #26  
Old 12-15-2010, 05:21 AM
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That isn't what I call boundary setting. Boundary setting would come after that conversation. It would be something along the lines of discussing when you would see her, what you feel comfortable with her sharing with him and what you feel comfortable her sharing with you, renegotiating the time you spend together... etc... not her telling you her feelings and what men she is dating.

Crying and telling her that she can do whatever is not negotiating boundaries also. Its avoiding and letting someone lead your life by their rules... no one is at fault here but you I think... she was telling you how she feels and what has changed for her and you seemed to of bowed out because instead of standing up for what you need and how you feel you let her walk all over you and she doesn't seem to of really wanted to do that if you ask me.
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  #27  
Old 12-15-2010, 10:35 AM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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I guess I don't understand what i was supposed to do. She would ask me what I needed to make all of this OK, and I would say things like "still see me once a week and continue daily electronic contact (text, email, etc) and when I need something extra I will ask for it."

As she increased the amount of time with the other guy, the electronic contact slowed down and eventually ceased. When it ceased, I asked her to resume it, and she did for a few days before reducing it and ceasing it again.

So on the one hand you guys think I was too possessive, but on the other hand I wasn't assertive enough? These things seem contradictory to me.
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  #28  
Old 12-15-2010, 01:39 PM
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Hello, I've experienced some of the feelings you now have recently, although in an entirely different situation. Do you have an iPod or similar? The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolley from audible.com made a huge difference in my life. I no longer have any negativity in my life, she is still madly in love with her boyfriend and we're more in love than we ever have been in 16 years. I think it's possible you could find some of your own answers there:
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  #29  
Old 12-15-2010, 03:41 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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I've read Tolle's work and a lot of other spiritual stuff and have found it very helpful. My insecurities got out of control when I lost my spiritual grounding. I feel, in a way, like I failed some sort of test here and let fear rule my life in this matter rather than love.

I've got a poly-friendly counselor that i'm going to be talking with this afternoon. I'd like to get her input before I proceed further.
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  #30  
Old 12-15-2010, 10:41 PM
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I don't think you've failed. Its more like your confidence is low and why shouldn't it be, its your first go around.

If she wasn't texting then perhaps you could of texted her or agreed to every second day maybe... The negotiation should of continued I reckon, complete with expressing how you feel and what needs you need met and requests of how she and you could work on that. A lot of what went on seems to be about her getting through her NRE and coming to a place of balance. That takes time and work, all doable though. Any new person creates imbalance in a tribe.
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