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  #11  
Old 12-14-2010, 10:49 PM
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I just feel like an idiot for reacting out of fear and not giving this more time to play out.
Have you told them both this?
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  #12  
Old 12-14-2010, 10:52 PM
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I have told my wife this. She disagrees and thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she won't veto anything if I really want it...though I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told my lover this. I have been trying to give her space.
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  #13  
Old 12-14-2010, 11:04 PM
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my wife . . . thinks the breakup was right, although she has also said that she won't veto anything if I really want it...though I would have a hard time going through with it if I felt she didn't really approve. I have not told my lover this. I have been trying to give her space.
Your wife is probably just reacting to seeing you hurting. Of course she cares about you, but she might be jumping a little too hard on the break-up bandwagon, I don't know. If there is something there with this woman and you are both still missing each other, it seems to me you can still work it out. And if your wife saw that, I think she would be supportive of that, unless she's disapproving of the woman herself or not really wanting you to have another relationship. But don't just wonder about whether or not it could work with this woman again, express to her that you want it to and will strive for it to work. Why not ask her to give you another chance.
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  #14  
Old 12-14-2010, 11:09 PM
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My wife is very angry because she didn't think the other woman was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me, in fact she enthusiastically supported the relationship for a long time, and even now she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss my lover. My wife tends to be very protective of me, and she usually gets angrier about me getting hurt than I do.

My heart wants to see my lover immediately and ask for another shot at making this work, but it may be too soon to ask my wife for permission to do this, and it may be too soon to broach the subject with my lover.
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  #15  
Old 12-14-2010, 11:18 PM
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My wife is very angry because she didn't think the other woman was sensitive enough to my feelings and made too many unilateral changes. She has no problem sharing me, in fact she enthusiastically supported the relationship for a long time, and even now she knows how much it meant to me and how much I miss my lover. My wife tends to be very protective of me, and she usually gets angrier about me getting hurt than I do.
I like your wife. Do not mess with Momma Bear or her tribe, you might loose vital parts
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  #16  
Old 12-14-2010, 11:29 PM
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My wife is an amazing woman. She is the center of my life, the mother of my children, my soulmate and best friend.

When i met my lover, my wife saw how happy it made me and was secure enough to encourage the relationship strongly. When problems arose, she was patient and supportive at first and helped me deal with the insecurities, but the last couple of weeks she got angry about what she felt was insensitive behavior and carelessness with my feelings on the part of my lover. When my lover told me I was no longer her primary interest because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for my wife.

She is still helping me through this but she's angry..at the other woman but also a bit with me since i am having second thoughts about the wisdom of the breakup. She says she can support us trying to rebuild a friendship, although I can tell that bothers her too. She doesn't think i should go "crawling back" and ask for more than just friends though. The thing is, it doesn't feel inside like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
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  #17  
Old 12-14-2010, 11:33 PM
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You need to ask permission? Your wife has veto? I can't see how this would be healthy. Is this not your life and your decision? Why should others have a say in that; girlfriend, wife, whomever.

Poly causes pain. That's just part of it. It is the difference between making poly a lifestyle choice or not. Some see the worth of the pain as there is gain as an end result most of the time and some don't. Whether we are naturally poly or not is irrelevant to me, its how much you are willing to face your shit that makes poly workable. If you aren't and if everyone is worried about you being in pain and you do as they say, then perhaps this lifestle is not for you. That is for you to decide, not your wife and not your girlfriend and not any of us. Its your life and your choice.
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  #18  
Old 12-14-2010, 11:38 PM
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She says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marraige or not.
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  #19  
Old 12-15-2010, 01:32 AM
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She says she would not veto anything. But her opinion matters to me. Maybe it shouldn't from your POV, but it does to mine. It is another factor that I have to consider, whether such a decision would stress my marraige or not.
I didn't say it didn't matter. I said that its ultimately your choice.
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  #20  
Old 12-15-2010, 02:04 AM
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The thing is, it doesn't feel inside like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
It doesn't sound to me like you're deluding yourself. It sounds more like you see possibility with her still, and you realize you broke it off hastily, but are now trying to be very, very, ver-rr-ry careful. It seems quite plausible that there's still the chance of rebuilding the relationship with your lover, as lovers, and it turning out to be really great -- even if your wife doesn't approve. At first. I don't know how beneficial it is to tiptoe around her about it, it's like you're walking on eggshells. If you told your wife that in your heart you think it feels right and you can work it out, how can she deny you? Plus, I think it's more detrimental to the relationship with your lover to wait too long to ask if you can try again, but that could be just me. I like answers right away so I can move forward.
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When my lover told me I was no longer her primary interest because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for my wife.
Why would your wife be mad at her for that? I still don't see how your lover created any problems. The problems you had, from what you've written here, appear to have risen out of your insecurities and possessiveness. Personally, I don't see how you could have been a primary for your lover (since that label is so important to you), given the distance, time available, and that she is married, too.
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