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Old 12-13-2010, 03:58 PM
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LibraTiger LibraTiger is offline
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Unhappy Please Help Me

Hello Everyone,

I will start off by saying what I am here for.. I am here for advice. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do or what my next move should be.

I will try to keep this short and not ramble too much.

I am married. My marriage has never been great. Don't get me wrong, our love has always been strong that has never been the problem. We have always had major problems though. From drugs, cheating, name calling and lying we have been through it all. I would love for this to be the part where I say that we have a great relationship because of it but sadly that is not reality. He has always been jealous to the point of verbally abusive and I have made serious mistakes and have cheated. Our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread.

My husband has always loved the idea of me with another man and we even had a few 3somes in the past, some of which went terribly wrong and some very satisfying. About 2 years ago we decided to try again and see where things could go and we brought in a 3rd. This started ok but soon my husband got jealous and started being verbally abusive again. Well the 3rd ended up being my boyfriend and my husband would be back and forth between loving it and hating me for it. He has desires but to this day can't seem to come to terms with his own wants.

I didn't know what I was doing. I knew about polly but was really just lost in how to make it work and how to not hurt anyone's feelings. Needless to say it didn't work. Everyone ended up getting hurt. My husband has always had feelings of inadequacy and now he feels it more than ever. My boyfriend and I are still together but because of how things were in the past and how badly this were handled he isn't sure he wants to be in a relationship with me or my husband.

I of course have my own issues. I am in love with both men and couldn't imagine my life without either of them. Both men have talked in the past about things not being fair and that I have them but they don't have any other females. I am bi and definitely want to enjoy a swinging lifestyle with them but I have a lot of insecurities. I am a very jealous person myself. It's not that I don't trust the love they have for me but I feel like she would be giving them something I can't or even she would replace me. I should also mention that in the past 2 years my boyfriend has behind my back flirted with and given the impression of being single to many females online. I know logically that sex is sex and there is enough room in the human heart for more than one person but I still have these feelings and hold onto the hurt of his actions. I am scared of what the future holds. I don't want to lose either of them but I don't know what kind of future we could have....

I know I have made serious mistakes but all I want is to make things right with both men and somehow create a strong loving relationship as a triangle and hopefully someday open up our triangle to involve another woman or even 2 women, After first enjoying some swinging and fun.

I don't know how to get them back on board with our polly love triangle.

I don't know how to create a future with 2 men when all I know is traditional monogamy.

I also don't know how to let go of the past and my insecurities and open up our triangle to involve female(s). I can't even wrap my head around the idea and it scares me to think what would that mean for the future of both men and myself.

PLEASE HELP ME!

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my story.
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:07 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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DO NOT DO IT!!!!!

Do the work on yourself and your marriage BEFORE adding absolutely, positively anyone else! Adding another to an already troubled marriage can only add MORE trouble, strife, grief & jealousy! Adding ANY MORE people only serves to compound any problems that already exist many times over!
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:10 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
DO NOT DO IT!!!!!

Do the work on yourself and your marriage BEFORE adding absolutely, positively anyone else! Adding another to an already troubled marriage can only add MORE trouble, strife, grief & jealousy! Adding ANY MORE people only serves to compound any problems that already exist many times over!

Seconded.
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Old 12-13-2010, 06:29 PM
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Seconded.
x3.

Have you tried counseling?
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:27 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Before you add ANYONE to your life, you and your husband have a lot of work to do on yourselves as individuals and also as a couple to address the problems in your marriage. I suggest therapy or at least counseling; you'll make a lot more progress, faster, if you have a detached professional guiding you through the process.

Once your marriage is stable, sane and happy, you and he can open the discussion on the possibility of adding additional partners or lovers to the mix.

But you MUST address the issues that face you, if you want to find your way past them. Ignoring a problem doesn't solve it. That's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is the truth.
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:02 PM
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Thanks so much for the advice everyone. I wish we could go to counseling but right now we just don't have the money. I am trying to nurture each relationship separately and try to move forward through the problems so that all 3 of us can be good together. I am just not sure what my next move should be. I have been reading a lot on this forum and on others and I am realizing that rushing things is nearly guaranteed to result in disaster. I am just so eager to get through the problems and move on to better days with the men I love.

I look forward to getting more advice and of course any stories on how others have made similar situations work would be very helpful.
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Old 12-14-2010, 05:29 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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If you're serious about fixing the problems and moving forward in a healthy and whole manner, your next move should be to work on yourself.
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Old 12-14-2010, 06:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraTiger View Post
I wish we could go to counseling but right now we just don't have the money.
I don't know where you are, but there may be low-cost or free resources for counseling through a local community center, church, or government-run provider. Ask or google around.
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Old 12-14-2010, 07:43 PM
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There is so much about your post that brings up red flags to me...

-jealousy heaped on because of adding more partners to "fix" the situation
-hurt and pain heaped on because of a lack of awareness about emotions, relationship to sex and closeness
-a lack of awareness about oneself and therefore empathy for others
-respect for pace and each other seems flailing if at all sometimes
-communication about "Real" issues seems rare or none existent
-years of cheating, lying etc not resolved so that trust can be built

It seems to me that there is a need for a whole lot of putting everything on hold and working on all of this together. A counselor would be great, just so they can help you sort everything out so that you can pick something and start on it. You could start writing lists of what to work on and then start talking, educating yourself about poly and begin making changes.
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