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Old 08-26-2009, 08:35 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Default How do I open up my discussion/relationship?

I am so new to this and even the term of polyamory I am completely open to trying it in my marriage of 6 years. We are a strong couple together, enjoy being around each other, and have 2 kids together.

My questions is how to I introduce the idea to him with out hurting him? I think he is insecure so I don't want to come off as sounding like he isn't satisfying me...help....
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Old 08-26-2009, 08:54 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Welcome to the boards.

If you're in the habit of speaking freely about all subjects, just begin talking. I view additional relationships as expanding my life and making for more good things for me and mine, so I'd speak of it in those terms--nobody's losing anything and instead gaining a good deal.

I'll also suggest sorting out exactly what it is the two of you require from a relationship for it to be worthwhile and discussing how to make certain you provide that for each other while adding other people to the mix. That goes a long way to addressing fears of loss.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:03 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Thanks for the reply, it was helpful. My unfortunate biggest concern is how to open up that discussion with him without him wanting to immediately ask for a divorce?
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:19 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Welcome to the forums.

Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first. You also mention that you are a "strong couple together", does that mean that if you or he went away for a week or even just over night there are problems?

I broached the subject with my husband by joking about wanting a harem (of men), but that fit with our situation and may not work in your case. Chances are that unless he has been harboring similar desires, he will feel slightly hurt and insecure. Then you have to reassure him how much you love him and want to spend your life with him and your family and this poly desire has nothing to do with how you feel about him. After that depends on his reaction.

Good luck!
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:29 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Thanks vandalin. Yes the "immediate divorce" response was an exagerration LOL. Your suggestion did give me an idea of how to approach it...more informally at first I think is the best approach. Now I need to find what to joke about...I hope his reaction is positive or at least not completely negative.

Thanks for your good luck wishes!
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:39 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first.
I'm going to wear it for this, butů.
I don't see asking for an immediate divorce as being too harsh if you are in an established and agreed upon monogamous relationship. Vows are not just words during a marraige ceremony. That is why I would be very careful in saying them.

Once the seed of "I am not enough for my partner" has been planted, it can't be erased in some people. I would be one of those. I know if my ex wife had of asked to explore polyamory with another man during the good years of our marriage I would have left. She did explore a possible relationship with another woman, and due to the sexual aspect of her being with another woman I was prepared to deal with it until they spent a night together. I lost it, but luckily during the night she decided it was not what she wanted. If it had of been another guy, I would never have gotten passed it. I would have left.

I know not all people would react this way, but I do not consider it an unreasonable response nor do I believe does the vast majority.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:48 PM
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I have a tendency to repeat myself when someone brings up the topic of how to introduce the idea of opening up a closed relationship.

First figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship.
If you deny a need however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life which is a form of death in my opinion.

Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your partner guessing or confused. Be 100 percent honest and don't try to put a good spin on things for the sake of your partner. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little
Take care
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:56 PM
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Quote:
I don't see asking for an immediate divorce as being too harsh if you are in an established and agreed upon monogamous relationship. Vows are not just words during a marriage ceremony. That is why I would be very careful in saying them.

Once the seed of "I am not enough for my partner" has been planted, it can't be erased in some people.
I see your point, Mono, and I do agree to an extent. Maybe it's my rose-tinted lenses that make me hope that anyone who has a strong relationship can talk about things or at least bring up a topic without the first response being "I want a divorce!" If that would be the honest response from the partner then there are other problems, communication being the major one. But this is of course just my opinion.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:57 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Wow...Mono...wow. Now I am scared all of a sudden. I thought I was working it out and then I got your response. THANK YOU by the way...please don't take it that I don't appreciate your response. I truely do....it just opened up my eyes to the other side of things. Seeing both sides is ALWAYS helpful. Now I have to take a step back and re-think my discussion.

What would your idea be of something NOT to say to him? I am thinking about in terms of in your ex-wife situation. Is there something she couldn't said that would have made it easier to swallow for you?
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Old 08-26-2009, 10:03 PM
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WhatDoIDoNow,

In most of the world I know of, the mere desire for non-monogamy is immensely taboo--especially while married, and nowhere moreso than while with one's spouse! So, I'm sympathetic to the challenge you are facing. Many--even most--husbands and wives are so profoundly caught up in unexamined beliefs that it's difficult to even begin to discuss this matter of opening a relationship up without detonating imaginary land mines and inviting make-believe monsters to a tango.

Let's face it, most of us grew up believing that True Love means Mongamous Love, exclusivity--simple pair bonding. With that, we grew up believing (most of us) that even so much as to desire multiple loves, while in a committed relationship, signals a lack of complete love with our present committed partner. Movies, television shows, songs, churches, families... have whispered or shouted this message in our ears all of our lives -- and continue to do so. So your husband may hear your confession or declaration that you'd like to open your relationship up as "You're not good enough for me, so I'd like to ...". And this may be an extremly difficult thing to get beyond. But it may be possible.

The best footing to be on when disclosing your desire to open the relationship is one in which your husband has NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that he is precious beyond measure to you. If he doesn't already have that sense of things, I'd recommend that you help him to know this before broaching the subject.

The next thing that needs to be established, for best hope of success, is the awareness or belief that -- at least for some people -- 100% True Love needn't be monogamous or exclusive. That message is most easily transmitted by one who knows this in their bones. So get to know this in your bones before broaching the subject with your husband. This is possible to accomplish even without the direct presonal experience of what this may be like. You're in a good forum to meet with people who have this awareness in their bones, already, and also know it in their lived experience. Hang with us a while, and you will find that what we've got is somewhat contagious. It comes to us with experience, but also with a lot of careful inquiry into our own hearts, minds, and social conditioning.

When you do finally broach the subject, if you do, begin by talking about, say, how by chance you started to learn about polyamory -- and talk about the subject as a sort of curiosity, rather than as a plan for your future. Ask him if he thinks that folks who practice polyamory might in fact love one another as much as those who practice monogamy. Talk about it as you would any other curious social phenomenon. Maybe show him a magazine article on the subject.... Ease into it, and maybe eventually show him this forum -- or even this post.

Much luck! I wish you both the very best!
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Last edited by River; 08-26-2009 at 10:05 PM.
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