Losing the Battles so I can win the war....

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I hate to say this, but it does not sound like your marriage is ready for poly.

The prevailing wisdom is that a relationship must be strong and healthy in order for either partner to become involved with someone else, otherwise the existing problems will get worse and not better.

You and your husband need to work things out within your OWN relationship before EITHER of you can be in another.

It sounds like swinging was working alright for the both of you. Is there some reason you can't simply go back to "just sex" with other partners?

deep sigh... I doubt my husband will ever be ready. truthfully. Our relationship is good.. it's the husband that's not. B just has to many issues... and this makes me so very sad.. because I would never want to have J as a primary. I would never want to be mono with J... I could easily be Mono with B... but he opened this can of worms and let me explore and now he wants to snap the lid shut and hell yeah I'm MAD.

we had a swing party last weekend... and he realized he no longer likes that either... so just sex with others won't work.... and truthfully I always needed a connection to folks so I was never a very good swinger...

sadly there is no fixing of B. He won't do the work.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

I could easily be Mono with B... but he opened this can of worms and let me explore and now he wants to snap the lid shut and hell yeah I'm MAD.

One good relationship is better than many crappy relationships.

[Breathesgirl]

Have you shown your hubby what you have written here? The good AND the bad?

Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.

Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going any where. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date) & they absolutely will NOT see the truth of it until it is proven over & over again.

Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.

You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even HOTTER between the two of you BECAUSE OF this relationship with J.

This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately . I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.

Unless you want to see B continually in pain you need to make that decision and stick with it.

Many hugs.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

One good relationship is better than many crappy relationships.

true. very true. and the thing is while i could EASILY be Poly... I could just as EASILY be mono... I am flexible.. to a fault.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Have you shown your hubby what you have written here? The good AND the bad?

No. he is not GREAT at reading... I told him about this place but he's just currently shutting down on me....

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.

I have told him but i will ask him if he wants to read it... if he says yes I will show him. I love B so much... It kills me that I want (and maybe NEED) to do something that is hurting him so badly....

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going any where. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date) & they absolutely will NOT see the truth of it until it is proven over & over again.

and that's really what I want from B the chance to prove it over and over. Sadly my dates with J are LONG because we are 2 hours apart... so if I get tired I will stay... but I will always come home to B.... that's a given.

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.

I have this weird thought that I would like J to tell him these things too... but I don't think that will help.

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even HOTTER between the two of you BECAUSE OF this relationship with J.

I would think so too.. but clearly not yet

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately . I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.

i know and it makes me SO FUCKING SAD... I want to cry at the lost chance to play this out with J... it's so not permanent with J... but it could be such fun for me... I know my choice is easy... it's not even something I have to think about. B comes first. But I will be mad and I will be angry and I will cry. and that still will hurt B. He wants me to just walk away from J and NOT CARE about him... and I can't. While I don't LOVE J I do LIKE him... a lot.. .and I care about him and I worry about him...

But I will walk away if B needs me to and eventually get over the hurt... I would have to probably not go to the gaming cons any more. I could not risk seeing J.

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Unless you want to see B continually in pain you need to make that decision and stick with it.

Many hugs.

thanks. I can tell you that knowing B this is so far from over....

If I tell him I will end it with J he will be upset with me.
IF I tell him I will NOT end it with J he will be sad and hurt..

I can't win.
Maybe I just need to tell him nothing for a while... and let things keep on rolling. J and I have no plans to meet again till January 8th and that's for the day I already told him I could not spend the night...

[Fidelia]

Maybe you (the three of you) should take a breather. Choose to table these discussions for a few days, to give B a chance to regain his equilibrium some, and give everyone a chance to get a breath.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Fidelia

Maybe you (the three of you) should take a breather. Choose to table these discussions for a few days, to give B a chance to regain his equilibrium some, and give everyone a chance to get a breath.

deep sigh... I just came from seeing B at lunch. IT DID NOT GO WELL!

I told him I would end it with J. and I meant it. and he told me that he can't ask me to do that because he wants to still be in the lifestyle (swinging) because he likes watching me and what kills him is that J does not like that and wants me alone.

So I told him fine. We can be in the lifestyle and I'll end it with J but I would like to still go see him on the 8th to end it face to face that he deserves that...

we were screaming at each other.
he said he would go stay at his mothers till I was over J. he said I should go sleep with him and get it done.

I told him I could be friends with J without sex and he said "but you WANT it and that's the difference I don't WANT sex with my women friends".... (it's paraphrased but that's the gist of it).... so I told him I would end the entire friendship with J... and he will not let me. he says if I don't do this thing with J that is killing him he will leave me....

The man needs therapy. I can't fix him. And I don't dare talk to J about any of this at this point because by the time we get home B will have changed his mind yet again.

[whatamIdoing]

the other thing i need to add is that B has many women friends that he talks to emails, ims and texts with DAILY... and he thinks that's ok since while they want to have sex with him he doesn't want to have sex with them... and he does not want to give those friendships up.

but i can't be friends with J because I want to sleep with him even though I said I would not...

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

The man needs therapy. I can't fix him.

This x 1000.

He needs someone who is not IN his life to put this into perspective. It does not have to be like this. He is doing nobody any favors by jerking you back and forth:

"Yes I want to be in the swinging lifestyle / No I don't want to be in the swinging lifestyle"

"Yes I want to get spontaneous blowjobs from my female friends / No I don't want to have sex with my female friends"

"Yes I want you to be yourself and have other relationships / No I can't handle sharing your attention with another man"

Etc. Etc.




This is starting to wear thin on me, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you. There are trained professionals who get paid GOOD MONEY to make this bullshit their life's work.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

the other thing i need to add is that B has many women friends that he talks to emails, ims and texts with DAILY... and he thinks that's ok since while they want to have sex with him he doesn't want to have sex with them... and he does not want to give those friendships up.

but i can't be friends with J because I want to sleep with him even though I said I would not...

yes I am quoting myself because as I expected I just got a text from B...

" don't end it with J. I won't forgive myself if I take your fun away"

I really need a head banging smiley.