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  #61  
Old 12-13-2010, 07:06 AM
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you might want to do a bit of reading on here you and him... there are a lot of really great threads you can find in the stickies and tags that would answer some questions perhaps... do a tag search for jealousy for starters maybe.
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  #62  
Old 09-06-2012, 03:19 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Default Can DADTs become poly arrangements?

I have been with my partner for a little over 10 yrs. We currently have a DADT policy that I really don't like it. I have developed a close secondary outside relationship that I would like to pursue openly. Anyway, my partner overheard me talking about sex on the phone to my BF and he got upset. He basically stopped talking for a couple of days, but then came around. He hasn't said anything about the conversation other than I heard you the over night. He hasn't asked about this person or asked me to stop seeing this person.

So my question is, Is it likely for a DADT policy to become a poly relationship?
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  #63  
Old 09-06-2012, 03:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You are already IN a polyamorous relationship.

What you have is a DADT policy inside the polyship that you have outgrown on your end and now find annoying/stifling.

So you have to responsibly inform your partner that the DADT polcy has been outgrown on your side and it no longer meets your wants/needs/limits.

So a new thing is needed. So what is the new policy gonna be? Has partner's wants/needs/limits also changed over time? Where's the temperature at? What other ways could this be worked out? That's a big convo -- so can we just make an appt to start working on that on the calendar? So there's no disturbances/distractions and we have a nice clear block of time to really be together in conversation? Thanks, honey. Love ya!

Hopefully the appt time comes and over a few sessions of discussion a new policy/agreement emerges. (might take more than one appt)

So that for the next (year? something else?) you have a workable thing in place that serves to mutual satisfaction.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-06-2012 at 03:52 AM.
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  #64  
Old 09-08-2012, 12:45 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Oh OK... I never really considered a DADT relationship a poly relationship, because it's based on deception and poly relationships are open and honest. So I guess I just want more openness.
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  #65  
Old 09-08-2012, 12:53 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
Oh OK... I never really considered a DADT relationship a poly relationship, because it's based on deception and poly relationships are open and honest. So I guess I just want more openness.

DADT isn't based on deception if the people involved have AGREED to DADT. It's only deceptive if one of you makes a unilateral decision to be DADT without discussing it with the other(s) involved. If one or both of you has a problem with the DADT status, that is not "deceptive", it's just someone agreeing to something and then deciding they don't like it after the fact.
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  #66  
Old 09-08-2012, 03:05 AM
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Yes, DADT, if mutual, is acceptable in poly. It's not that your partner doesn't know you have other relationships or didn't consent to that and you're sneaking around; it's that you both agreed to keep your other relationships under the radar.

We've seen here that this is usually implemented when at least one partner either:

1.) is really uncomfortable with non-monogamy and doesn't want to look at the situation, but agrees to it because they feel powerless or that they have no choice anyway. "Just keep me out of it," they say;

2.) has an issue with a certain aspect of what their other partner wants from poly -- for example, the physical vs. the emotional. If they can shut their eyes to their partner's involvement with others completely, they can avoid accepting the full implications of what is going on and can pretend "it's only sex" or "it's only a friendship" or whatever; or

3.) is really okay with it but just do not want to know anything so that they can present a "picture-perfect" facade of monogamy to the public, friends, colleagues, and family without lying.

DADT usually seems focused on preserving a fantasy.

It sounds like your partner really doesn't feel comfy knowing what's going on, but if you are not comfy hiding everything, a request for renegotiation seems in order. People do change and comfort levels change.

If it were me, I would start by saying, "About that conversation of mine that you overheard - how do you feel about it? You seemed really upset, but you're not talking about how it affected you, and I think this is something we need to address. I don't want to see you hurting, but I don't think pretending everything is okay is good for us either. What's going on? Let's get it out in the open. Can we start looking at this DADT agreement and maybe consider some adjustments?" And then see where the convo leads... but the convo definitely seems necessary.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-08-2012 at 03:07 AM.
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  #67  
Old 09-10-2012, 03:23 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, DADT, if mutual, is acceptable in poly. It's not that your partner doesn't know you have other relationships or didn't consent to that and you're sneaking around; it's that you both agreed to keep your other relationships under the radar.
But in my case he doesn't want to know when I'm meeting him and I basically have to think of ulterior reasons to leave the house. He doesn't even want to know that they exist. So that's why I feel like it's deception.
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  #68  
Old 09-10-2012, 04:02 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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But in my case he doesn't want to know when I'm meeting him and I basically have to think of ulterior reasons to leave the house. He doesn't even want to know that they exist. So that's why I feel like it's deception.
It is not deception unless YOU LIE. Why bother to lie when you have a policy in place?

Don't bother to think ulterior motives. How about just saying calmly "Don't ask. Don't tell, hon." And go on your way. It is what it is.

Let your partner deal with whatever emotion they feel as a result. This is the policy you have both agreed to, you can hold up your end of not telling too much by just invoking DADT.

Then it's on your partner to back off and not ask deeper and do their own emotional management.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-10-2012 at 04:05 AM.
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  #69  
Old 09-11-2012, 02:26 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Let your partner deal with whatever emotion they feel as a result. This is the policy you have both agreed to, you can hold up your end of not telling too much by just invoking DADT.

Then it's on your partner to back off and not ask deeper and do their own emotional management.

GG
What I gather from your posts is that your husband is putting it on you to do his emotional management. Thus why I quoted GG here.

My husband did the same sort of stuff.
He would ask (reasonable questions) that HE DID NOT WANT THE ANSWER TO.
For awhile I would make up the answers he wanted to hear, but lying made me nuts.
So, I started responding with "I don't believe lying is healthy in a relationship, do you want me to answer that question or not?"

A reminder for him that I wasn't going to give him a bullshit "make him feel safe" answer if he insisted on asking a question-I was going to give him the cold hard truth.

It took a few months of that for HIM to identify that he doesn't want to ask me about "how was your morning" cause the answer is going to pertain to my sex life with my bf.
But, he will now say "I hope you had a great morning". Acknowledging that he knows I was with bf and he's ok with that-just isn't into the details.

I suggest (highly) sitting him down and letting him know that monitoring his own emotions is his job and not yours-and that you aren't ok being a liar-so if he asks a question, he needs to ensure he is ready for the answer-regardless of what it may be.
IF he may not be interested in hearing the TRUE answer-then he need not ask.
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  #70  
Old 01-21-2013, 09:58 PM
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Well I have been married for 3 years and I love my husband. I have always had a high sex drive and my husband has turned asexual. We have not had sex in a year. This has been very difficult for me and he knows it.

In July he decided to let me have permission and find someone else to satisfy my needs. I have never had casual sex before and I had only had sex with 3 people in my life. This was something new, exciting and scary for me.

My husband had 3 rules, it cannot be anyone he knows, that I always use protection and to never tell him about it. Basically act like there is nothing wrong.

I have no idea is this is considered poly or not. But that is my situation.

I told him that if he believed that having sex with another woman would help our marriage I am all for it. The same rules would apply.
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