When SO wants her own....

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

But what does S think? This is one is tricky, he has repeatedly said that he would like us to really try to enjoy without the pressure of the future talk. He in fact promised D that if she trusts him, she will be really happy!! Hmm.. note that he does not clearly state that there will be no babies, or traditional marriage or living together. To me this sounds like a silent promise and very very dangerous.

And D? I know from past discussions with her that S promised her countless times that she will have a "happy life". She has interpreted this before as an affirmation that he will give her what she wants (babies and living with her) I tested the waters and asked her directly if she is still hoping for the babies with S. She says,"I do not want to focus on that now", lets all just be happy. Vagueness again.

Disclaimer - I realize that neither D nor S are here to give their sides of the story. I am working with the information that is available. If additional information becomes available, I am prepared to revise my opinions/judgments. The preceding was directed at the oppression-and-marginalization-gestapo who are reading this and discussing it elsewhere. You know who you are.

Basically, it looks to me like D and/or S think that you can be convinced to change your mind about this. If S refuses to come right out and say to D "There is no chance we will ever live together or have children together. Do you understand? Please tell me what you think I just said means," then he is harboring a pipe-dream that you will eventually "come around" and see things differently.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

[
Basically, it looks to me like D and/or S think that you can be convinced to change your mind about this.

Thanks for doing the work on saying that

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Thanks for doing the work on saying that

You're welcome. I think it was my turn anyway.

[Magdlyn]

Very interesting thread, because it's Uganda where polygamy is a norm, and I guess, legal?

I'm sorry your S cheated on you for so long and led his gf to think he was going to divorce you and marry her and give her babies. This was pretty low of him... somehow he changed his mind and confessed to the affair? Which "truth" is he telling now, if he once led her down that garden path, while leaving you (and your shared kids) in the dark?

However, if polygamy is legal, and he could be a father to her kid(s) while she lives on a house on your land, and also available to your shared kids, this could work, if all of you were responsible and patient with sharing his time. We have a show here in the States called Sister Wives, about a family whose religion encourages polygamy (many wives with one husband) as the norm. In this show, all 3 wives lived in a huge house with their husband, and he slept with a different wife each night, and seemed to also be a present father to their many kids. It can work, if all parties want it and are respectful and good communicators. During the show the man got a 4th wife, and she had to get her own house down the street,as the main house was full. There was tension as the other wives adjusted to her and the new situation.

But! Since your h cheated for 9 mos, and also has his eyes on a couple other women, I'd proceed with greatest caution. This all sounds a bit sketchy to me. Might just be a case of testosterone overload, and the wimminfolk just have to pick up the pieces.

I've got more to say but this is already tl;dr

[NeonKaos]

Mags, everything you just said I was also wondering.

However, I assumed from the tone of the OP's posts that she and her husband had already considered all that and decided not to proceed along those lines.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

Mags, everything you just said I was also wondering.

However, I assumed from the tone of the OP's posts that she and her husband had already considered all that and decided not to proceed along those lines.

Well, it seems up in the air with this idea of just "having fun in the moment and not making any plans." I don't get the feeling Seekinganswer is comfortable with that.

Something smells rotten in Denmark.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Well, it seems up in the air with this idea of just "having fun in the moment and not making any plans." I don't get the feeling Seekinganswer is comfortable with that.

Something smells rotten in Denmark.

I agree. I meant that it doesn't sound like the legal status of polygamy in their country has anything to do with the issues at hand.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I agree. I meant that it doesn't sound like the legal status of polygamy in their country has anything to do with the issues at hand.

Well my take is that its common for a man to have 2 wives, yet this guy cheated on his wife and told the gf he'd divorce the wife and remarry the new woman and give her babies. Why, when its acceptable and legal for him to just add a wife, you know?

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Well my take is that its common for a man to have 2 wives, yet this guy cheated on his wife and told the gf he'd divorce the wife and remarry the new woman and give her babies. Why, when its acceptable and legal for him to just add a wife, you know?

Maybe he has a better idea of the rigors of polygamy than we do in our culture and doesn't want to deal with two women or thought so at the time... Now he is dealing with two women and proving to be unable to get a grasp on how to manage to make promises to one and stay true to the other.

Poly dynamics are difficult and require a certain amount of assertion and self knowledge, not to mention that everyone is equal and gender roles do not equate quite often. He might very well of fallen into the trap of trying to give them everything and forgetting what his needs are or fulfilling his needs and forgetting what their needs are, or trying to please one over the other two... all very tricky and I think that it is possible that he is not apt at balancing it all out. Why should he, he didn't have to for 9 months. Now he has a whole new game and is still learning what he needs to do to be on top of it.

I think he needs a whole lot of patience and firm asserted boundaries from his women... not to mention I think they need to know what his boundaries are too. Where are his boundaries? What are his notions of what he would like to see happen? I would be very uncomfortable not knowing and would be pestering like mad for a conversation of all three to figure out what they are and to work on an arrangement.

[Seekinganswer]

Thanks everyone for your responses.. Unfortunately for now, Im doing all the posting as S and D have not done so for weeks now although S checks in regularly on my posts. Im active on the post because as I said, the matter of the long term discussion in our situation was put on hold yet I needed to put my thoughts out on it somehow: hence the solo posting.
This thread has sparked some tension between us because when D read it, she said she was hurt by discussions. We planned to talk about it today but she does not want to. I asked her to read more on polyamory to help her deal with situation as I have done, but she sees no point in it.

@Neonkaos: Yes, I suppose S was hoping I would come around after all of us put effort into making it work. He was hoping too that because he loves her, she will be happy with S until such a time when she decided to move on to a partner who would provide the marriage and kids. I would have been comfortable if S was clear right from the start and if D was okay with it.

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

Mags, everything you just said I was also wondering.
However, I assumed from the tone of the OP's posts that she and her husband had already considered all that and decided not to proceed along those lines.

True.. we did not want to go down the polygamous route.S had the idea that poly was a better way of life because it entailed sharing and was more fulfilling than polygamy (separate homes, where the man divides his time between the homes) Please note that S is not Ugandan and therefore does not subscribe to polygamy.

@Magdylyn:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Well my take is that its common for a man to have 2 wives, yet this guy cheated on his wife and told the gf he'd divorce the wife and remarry the new woman and give her babies. Why, when its acceptable and legal for him to just add a wife, you know?

Polygamy is widely practised (openly and hidden) but we both did not want to have this kind of life. Also, S did not promise to divorce but because he mentioned marriage without explaining poly, D assumed our marriage would end in any case after I found out about the affair.Instead, we resolved to work on the marriage and one way was to deal with the reason why it happened in the first place (S loving the both of us) That is why we decided to try poly out.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

But! Since your h cheated for 9 mos, and also has his eyes on a couple other women, I'd proceed with greatest caution. This all sounds a bit sketchy to me. Might just be a case of testosterone overload, and the wimminfolk just have to pick up the pieces.

No testosterone overload, but since after the affair, he has been more open about us interacting with other women and sharing this together. I just thought that we needed to be open about this to D and as such, define our poly life along these lines (no long term ties).

Originally Posted by redpepper

Now he is dealing with two women and proving to be unable to get a grasp on how to manage to make promises to one and stay true to the other.
.......
I think he needs a whole lot of patience and firm asserted boundaries from his women... not to mention I think they need to know what his boundaries are too. Where are his boundaries? What are his notions of what he would like to see happen? I would be very uncomfortable not knowing and would be pestering like mad for a conversation of all three to figure out what they are and to work on an arrangement.

Indeed.. He is new to this and learning on the job so to speak. I hope he will post soon and give you more insight on his POV, but I realised that half the time, he is busy trying to make either one of us happy albeit at the expense of his own needs.Sometimes, I get the sense that because he started this, he will shoulder the lion share of the burden. That open talk between us still eludes... red flag? Lets see