I need ADVICE on telling hubby I'm going to see the new guy...

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

he says i should go and do it but that he is not happy and he won't be happy and he's very sure I am going to leave him for J.

Thats the type of thing that comes from time. Go this time, follow SG's advice and keep him in contact. Don't let NRE completely envelop you and forget about the hubby. This is one of those times where you need to build that trust from scrtach. Go, have fun, come home

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Thats the type of thing that comes from time. Go this time, follow SG's advice and keep him in contact. Don't let NRE completely envelop you and forget about the hubby. This is one of those times where you need to build that trust from scrtach. Go, have fun, come home

that's what I want to do and I plan to call him every few hours (except sleep time) J. also has to learn that my time with him is only when B is doing other things and B still has contact with me....

but watching my DH hurt so badly is like a knife in my heart.


BTW, I might have to add that both of us had gastric bypass a little over a year ago. I'm at goal and he still has weight to lose and this is probably NOT helping his insecurity....

[SourGirl]

Your hubby`s response is him verbalizing his fears. It`s like someone who is scared of plane ride`s chanting 'I am gonna die !'

I think you owe it to both of yourselves to at least 'try' this upcoming weekend. You will both have a clearer idea of what you can/cant handle after the first sleepover is done and over with.

You plan on keeping in contact with hubby and coddling his nerves a bit, but not to much. Good for you.

Don`t get to angry at him. I DO understand the 'fairness' issue that can come up, but you need to lose the battle to win the war,..so to speak. For him, it is much like him having a good hand,(sexual relations and time with others) but you hold the trump card(feelings).

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Your hubby`s response is him verbalizing his fears. It`s like someone who is scared of plane ride`s chanting 'I am gonna die !'

I think you owe it to both of yourselves to at least 'try' this upcoming weekend. You will both have a clearer idea of what you can/cant handle after the first sleepover is done and over with.

You plan on keeping in contact with hubby and coddling his nerves a bit, but not to much. Good for you.

Don`t get to angry at him. I DO understand the 'fairness' issue that can come up, but you need to lose the battle to win the war,..so to speak. For him, it is much like him having a good hand,(sexual relations and time with others) but you hold the trump card(feelings).

WOW you so GET it! we talked more... and more and more and more... lots of pain on both ends here...

he really is afraid that J will try to take me away from him and asked me to promise if J ever tries to take me away from him I will end the relationship.

it was an easy promise to make because it was always in my head that was the case....

[redpepper]

sooooo.... how come he isn't getting that if he goes and has fun that it isn't any different than you going and having fun... sorry, this conversation seems a wee bit obvious somehow. Am I missing something?

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by redpepper

sooooo.... how come he isn't getting that if he goes and has fun that it isn't any different than you going and having fun... sorry, this conversation seems a wee bit obvious somehow. Am I missing something?

it's easy to be confused in my life Redpepper...

he is going with this friend (he only sees her as a friend not a lover) to help her drop off a horse. they had no plans to get a room even to sleep in (I found out last night that I misunderstood what was happening... they will nap in her truck when they get tired)... it's not a pleasure cruise for him....

now granted he's had a few visits here and there with women in the last few years with my blessing.... and I never have (not because he didn't want me to but just because there was no one I wanted to be with)

the issue for B is that he does not LIKE or TRUST J. He truly believes that J is going to try to take me away from him. I keep asking him if I have ANY SAY in who I'm with... and he says "yes" but yet he feels that J will "win" if there is a choice to be made... I asked him if he trusted me and he said "yes" so I pointed out that if he trusts me he has to believe that I'll be back to him always.

He's not stopping me, he has said he does not think he can deal with my relationship with J being long term... I told him I do not KNOW where my relationship with J is going... I told him that I do have to play this out. I also said that I would RATHER do it openly and honestly than sneak around and cheat on him. I never would have let it get this far if I had known that B really could not deal with it.

I really do not think B can deal with my being fully truly Poly. at least not at this point.

NOW, it may be person specific... but since J is my first I can't believe that it won't ALWAYS be person specific. The funny thing for me is that right now it's person specific for me too... I never considered the possibility of loving two men at the same time.... I don't love J at this point... I don't know if I ever will... I do know I need to see what will happen with us and I would rather do it openly and honestly. I am excited (and fully in NRE which I keep trying to explain to B) and I WANT him to be excited and happy for me... and he's not... and that makes me sad.