Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-08-2010, 08:26 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Exclamation I need ADVICE on telling hubby I'm going to see the new guy...UPDATED at bottom

HI all.... well my life continues to be up and down... and interesting...

Here's the latest...

my husband asked me last night if I minded if he went on an overnight trip with our friend C. I don't mind him going with C and told him to go and have a good time. So they are leaving Friday after work (around 6 or 6:30 PM)

C would love to have a more physical relationship with my hubby but he's not really interested. They are very close friends however. In a way I hope it does get physical for them Friday night.

So I sent J an email letting him know I was free on Friday night and if he was not busy maybe we could get together... I fully expected him to be busy.

SURPRISE! He's free. So now I am going to drive up to see J.
This will be our first alone time. AND our first meeting since I brought the idea of my having a relationship with J to my husband.

Husband is a bit jealous. and a bit concerned. and has NO idea that I asked J if he wanted to see me Friday. I have to tell him. I fear a bad reaction.

J and I do not have final plans yet...

I wonder if I should wait to tell hubby when the plans are final
or if I should mention to him I'm going to see J. but we don't know what we are doing yet....

the possibility exists that I will spend the night up there... but I don't know and may not know until that actually happens.

i Probably have left some important points out but that's what I can think of right now....

Last edited by whatamIdoing; 12-08-2010 at 10:40 PM. Reason: update title
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-08-2010, 08:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Condoms are your friend.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-08-2010, 08:47 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Condoms are your friend.

that is a given....
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-08-2010, 08:48 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
that is a given....
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-08-2010, 08:54 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Honestly, I think you`ll just have to weather the storm. Meaning, he may not be pleased, that you talked to the boyfriend before talking to him. He`s feeling some insecurities currently, and these little things matter. You might not hear what you hope to hear.

In future, when you get a date idea due to schedules all lining up, broach the idea with your husband first. When a spouse is skittish, but trying, these little things really help them feel like they are part of a decision.

Come to think of it, you could still do this. Just be blunt, and say to husband; ' While you are busy, what do you think of me going to see J ?'

You might also give him factual info. A time you will be leaving your house, a time you will be arriving home. Will you stay the night ? Will you want to contact your hubby and let him know you are ok ? All good info.

Then offer to give him a day or so to think about it.

Be prepared to ixnay plans.
Be prepared to be able to make last minute plans.
Be prepared to scramble.


Yes, it does all seem much like you are back in high school, asking if its ok to go on a date with the bad boy. Still, a little goes a long way with these scenarios. Chose your wording carefully.

FTR, I never ask 'permission'.
I always ask what someone thinks, or how they feel. I ask for their input. It means more, and then the spouse doesn`t feel like the 'bad guy' for having feelings.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-08-2010, 08:59 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Honestly, I think you`ll just have to weather the storm. Meaning, he may not be pleased, that you talked to the boyfriend before talking to him. He`s feeling some insecurities currently, and these little things matter. You might not hear what you hope to hear.

In future, when you get a date idea due to schedules all lining up, broach the idea with your husband first. When a spouse is skittish, but trying, these little things really help them feel like they are part of a decision.

Come to think of it, you could still do this. Just be blunt, and say to husband; ' While you are busy, what do you think of me going to see J ?'

You might also give him factual info. A time you will be leaving your house, a time you will be arriving home. Will you stay the night ? Will you want to contact your hubby and let him know you are ok ? All good info.

Then offer to give him a day or so to think about it.

Be prepared to ixnay plans.
Be prepared to be able to make last minute plans.
Be prepared to scramble.


Yes, it does all seem much like you are back in high school, asking if its ok to go on a date with the bad boy. Still, a little goes a long way with these scenarios. Chose your wording carefully.

FTR, I never ask 'permission'.
I always ask what someone thinks, or how they feel. I ask for their input. It means more, and then the spouse doesn`t feel like the 'bad guy' for having feelings.

WOW awesome information.
and great advice.
last minute plans with J never work.... in fact he said this is so last minute... our first date was planned for January 8th.... DH knew about that and was ok...
I never ever thought J would be free.... hence not mentioning it to hubby... but i should have you are right.....
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-08-2010, 10:39 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

well I told him... just like you asked.

he's not excited for me but he's ok with it...

I wish he was not so sad about this...
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-08-2010, 10:48 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,429
Default

Being up front (meaning talking about ideas before they become plans) is always a good idea.

It takes a bit to get over the sense of loss. I'm the poly one in my marriage-and I still went through that when Maca got a girlfriend.

I like to leave him a love letter or something special when I go, somehting that will remind him that I love him TOO, that he's not forgotten while I'm gone.
I also like to bring him back something-a card, a small gift that I picked up while I was gone with GG. Just lets him know that GG and I aren't pretending he doesn't exist, we're loving each other with full understanding of my love and commitment to him as well.

Good luck!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-08-2010, 11:50 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
well I told him... just like you asked.

he's not excited for me but he's ok with it...

I wish he was not so sad about this...
Well, he will be sad, for awhile. I know for you, It`s hard to go off and have fun, when someone you love is not happy for you. Just know, these things take time. You have to look at the initial phase of dating, as a way to help gain a partner`s confidence. Chipping away one insecurity at a time.

So you go on the date. You do like LR says, and make sure you leave a thoughtful momento for your spouse. Since your spouse is going away, maybe put it in his bag/suitcase.

Surprise your spouse. I always read on these forums about people going on first dates and not wanting to be 'bugged' by their spouse while on a date.

Well why not surprise the spouse and be the one to call and check on them ? See how they are doing. Prove you haven`t forgot them.

Be home when you say you`ll be home. Do the things you say you will do.

All these things truly help build trust, and belief in poly situations. I see many people who will be annoyed their spouse wont trust them, or allow them to be poly. Yet those same people are constantly late, constantly dropping the ball on the little things. How will the spouse ever be able to trust the big things ?


Anyhow,...back to you,...it doesn`t start out easy,..but it has the ability to get easier over time.


Edit to note : Superjast is now SourGirl. Family-sniffing has caused a change of name. Sorry for any confusion.

Last edited by SourGirl; 12-09-2010 at 12:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-09-2010, 12:33 AM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

well I got home and we talked. it's not going well.

he says i should go and do it but that he is not happy and he won't be happy and he's very sure I am going to leave him for J.

I really feel bad here. I really feel that he's being unfair... it's ok for him to go away with a friend for an overnight trip because he doesn't want to sleep with her, it's ok for him to have female friends that he talks to 2 hours a day every day, it's ok for him to text and flirt with others or try to get with other women but the second I want to try to do this for the first time in EIGHT years of being together, he can't deal.

he said he's willing to give it all up.... but I never got MY chance. and I'm MAD
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:48 AM.