Being a poly male is hard

[polynHR]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Perhaps your focus should be more on the dynamics of your relationship with your wife when one of you meets someone, and let that slowly sink in and see how adding a person to the mix effects you both.

Nycindie

Two months after starting this she met her other partner. That relationship is going strong. We have let the dynamics of that relationship sink in. Its not that I'm trying to rush into something or trying to do one better. Its actually her pushing me to find a partner of my own. This is because as she says she wants me to experiencing the joy of another partner. So my journey of finding another partner started roughly four months ago.

Originally Posted by Somegeezer

I think it is definitely just a case of the majority of men making the rest of us look bad. It's unfortunate, but we can't really help that. Eventually you will find others. Just don't give up on it.

Somegeezer

I totally agree with that. This is the response I get from most women is that I'm cheating or doing something bad. Unlike my wife where she basically had guys eating out of her hand. Prior to finding the one their were plenty of jerks in the front of the line. So their were many nights where I found myself apologizing for other mens behaviors.

[QUOTE=redpepper;55172
There seems to be a real lack of investment and vulnerability that people in general give because they are fearful, and they have every reason to be. With some dating sites, daters and the attitude that cheating and casual/non invested sex is the best option, the quick fix, the temporary high, there is little reason to pay attention (this being said after plenty of discussion about how casual sex can be fun and nurturing... just so you know that I know the difference). It's almost become better to be numb, apathetic and lazy when it comes to interactions with others. Either that or just don't have interactions.... .sad, very sad.[/QUOTE]

redpepper

I can agree with this as well, it seems that all everyone wants is just casual sex. Well I'm different I want more than just sex. Actually I would be happy if we didn't have sex for 6 months. This way a relationship will be able to mature and blossom. So many time have I read that a couple broke up and how hard it was. If people give a relationship time to mature before sex then I believe there would be a lot less heartaches and more long lasting loves. Yes, yes, yes very sad indeed.

Originally Posted by polychronopolous

I have always found that a good way to meet people is not to try. Being motivated to make connections tends to make most people JUST too eager to come across naturally. Someone who is happy where they are and content just to BE has a great chance of having people see then for who they are which tends to make one far more attractive to anyone who is open. Meh, that sounds more like dating advice which is probably not what you were going for. I'll shush now :P

Phoenix

Polychronopolus

I am always myself, I never try to rush into anything. I do believe that maybe I am to content with what I already have. You know its funny I was just telling my wife that maybe this comes down to not dating in a long time. I feel I've been out of the game to long. So I find myself thinking about how it was when I was much younger. Hey if you got any dating advice for an old fellow then send it my way. Its much appreciated

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I'm hard-pressed to draw the conclusion that it's easier or more difficult for men or women to find suitable partners in a polyamorous context.

Neon

Due to the fact that there are more guys who claim to be poly than females who are poly. I believe that is what makes it easier for the gals instead of the guys. Then couple with the fact that the ones that claim to be poly only to have casual sex with a woman. Really makes it hard for us men that are truly poly or are investing the effort and time to seek out a meaningful relationship. I only base my opinions off of my own experiences and I try not to look in anyones yard. One last contributing factor is that Denver doesn't have a large poly community as other states. So I believe all this plays a part in mans search for poly women.

I also wish us males that are true poly could some how show these women that their are some of us who are thoughtful, caring and loving.

Colorado

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by polynHR

Nycindie

Two months after starting this she met her other partner. That relationship is going strong. We have let the dynamics of that relationship sink in. Its not that I'm trying to rush into something or trying to do one better. Its actually her pushing me to find a partner of my own. This is because as she says she wants me to experiencing the joy of another partner. So my journey of finding another partner started roughly four months ago.

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood! When you wrote that she had met a few potential partners, it sounded to me as if you two were still testing the waters but nothing had happened for either one of you yet:

Originally Posted by polynHR

My wife and I have been learning and living the poly lifestyle for about a year. In this year she has met several potential partners. However, in the year I have met none.

[Somegeezer]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I look at this differently but get what you mean. I don't see it as a bonus, I never liked the term "friends with benefits" because that indicates that sex is a bonus and that other friends are less in some way. I prefer "intimate friends." This to me indicates the nature of the friendship rather than the quality... as if sex denotes the quality.

I have a friend that is an 87 year old woman, she is a greater and more dedicated friend of mine than the guy friend I have that on occasion I play with... see what I mean?

I think part of the problem with our culture is the pedestal we put sex on. It sends the wrong message about a persons worth, especially women. Somehow women have it in there head, more often than not it seems, that there worth as a partner, and now even as a friend (!) is based on the sex the put out... that their worth as a "bonus" is based on sexuality not on how good a friend they are.

I didn't mean sex. I just meant make friendship your goal and if you become close, then brilliant. If you find an intimate relationship in that, even better. Just don't expect to have them be your closest friend, because you'll most likely make mistakes that will actually push them the opposite direction.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by polynHR

Due to the fact that there are more guys who claim to be poly than females who are poly. I believe that is what makes it easier for the gals instead of the guys. Then couple with the fact that the ones that claim to be poly only to have casual sex with a woman.

Stop and listen to what you just wrote and consider how that actually makes it HARDER, not EASIER, for poly women to find partners. Especially poly women who are ALREADY partnered. I came out as poly to 2 or 3 close male friends and they got all "Oh good, when can I have sex with you?"


So yes, it is easier for poly women to find someone TO GET LAID WITH, as you say in the part that I underlined above. But it is equally difficult for poly women to find GOOD PARTNERS precisely BECAUSE poly is perceived as "promiscuous". It is the exact same thing as poly men go through, but from the other side of the looking glass.

Originally Posted by polynHR

I also wish us males that are true poly could some how show these women that their are some of us who are thoughtful, caring and loving.

"There" not "their".

So go do it then. Why "wish" for it. I think most of the men on this forum set a pretty good example. Ariakas, Imaginary Illusion, Catfish, to name just a few.

[Ariakas]

monogamous men have a harder time getting laid
monogamous women can get laid by batting their eyes

Poly men have a hard time getting laid
poly women can get laid by batting their eyes

monogamous men have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships
monogsmous women have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships

poly men have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships
poly women have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships

This isn't a poly/mono thing. This is just a fact of life.

If your END goal is a loving relationship, than neither have any advantage. These things don't fall from the sky for anyone.

Ari

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by polynHR

I also wish us males that are true poly could some how show these women that their are some of us who are thoughtful, caring and loving.

Colorado

Meh, this is a tossup. How to etc. I don't treat being poly any different than being single. I interact, socialize and get to know women. As I meet them I am either interested or not. They are either interested or not. I surround myself on forums and in public with poly women. In the end, the best way to find a women who is interested is....drum roll....be yourself. People can detect any fakeness or game, especially if a man is trying to get into a relationship with them (for sex or a relationship)

What is true poly anyways. We all have different opinions on exactly what it means to us.

[Somegeezer]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Meh, this is a tossup. How to etc. I don't treat being poly any different than being single. I interact, socialize and get to know women. As I meet them I am either interested or not. They are either interested or not. I surround myself on forums and in public with poly women. In the end, the best way to find a women who is interested is....drum roll....be yourself. People can detect any fakeness or game, especially if a man is trying to get into a relationship with them (for sex or a relationship)

What is true poly anyways. We all have different opinions on exactly what it means to us.

+1 Be yourself. I find it so much easier to be myself too. I don't understand how people can try be someone else to try get what they want and then complain when they get caught out. Just be the person you really are. Life becomes that little bit easier.

[Magdlyn]

Since I've been dating, I have mostly been with younger single men. The 3 married men that I dated, who were in open, non-mono, or poly marriages did not work out, b/c these men did not have complete open communication with their wives.

For the past several weeks, I've been PMing with a man who is married, and IDs as non-mono. I took the bull by the horns today and told him I'd like to meet with his wife before he and I got too far into things. He responded by saying I was free to write to her on okc (they live about 50 miles away, so we havent planned to meet til after solstice). He said she'd be happy to share her views on sex, love and marriage with me. This makes me feel pretty good!

He "shows" me he's one of the good guys by taking the time to write long thoughtful PMs about various subjects. A little flirting to keep things a bit spicy (because one doesnt want to feel like one is just talking to one's brother), but no overt sexual come-ons. I also told him I am not into sport sex with no emotions involved, and he responded that feelings of affection at least are also necessary for him to want to have sex. He said he wouldnt be able to give me 100% of himself 24/7 (besides a wife, he has 8 yr old twins), but when he's with someone, he gives 100%. I think that sounds like a pretty good deal, it's how I roll too.

But gosh, I feel so very cautious now...

[Vinccenzo]

The really sad aspect is that men seem to have better luck finding women when they pretend to be catting on the sly.
I can't for the life of me figure out why that is..........

[MonoVCPHG]

Getting laid is as easy as logging on to POF and searching Intimate encounters....keyword, open and discrete. Finding a loving relationship is much harder for both sexes.

The hardest thing of all IMO....Patience.