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Old 12-07-2010, 11:36 PM
Levi Levi is offline
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Default Do I belong here?

Okay, I just stumbled onto the idea of poly as a concept external to my own head, so bear with me.

I began searching for answers because I also fell into an amazing situation in the last few days, and I need help.

I have been married 10 years to a woman who literally feels like she is inside me (does that make sense). We've been together 15 years and our relationship gets better every year (honest).

Still, there were (and still are) some things we didn't really discuss. For instance, I have been with men in the past, but never talked to her about it (this was before we were together, and I still don't know how I feel about it). And I recently discovered that she is also bi-curious (I had opportunity to suspect this in the past, but it never came to anything, so I let it go).

The story: My wife, F, has made a couple very good new female friends over the last 12 mos, call them B and E. This got to the point that these girls would occasionally spend the night with her (non-sexual) when I was out of town (I am only home on wknds bc of work). Also, we all hang out every weekend and go on group dates. I have flirted with B and E in the past, but it was just casual & playful. We even got to the point that the girls all started referring to themselves as my 'wives', and we had a mock marriage ceremony on Halloween. Still, this was all just in good fun.

Now this last weekend, we all went out Friday night like we normally do. At the end of the night, B came home with us. This is also not uncommon. The difference was that she also came to the same bed with us (her idea). You can imagine what happened. This is when I discovered that F is also bi-curious. F & I talked about it the next day, and she told me she found it very exciting.

Okay, so everything was normal with a minor twist. Then we went out Saturday night to a new club, and we both danced with E the whole night. Then E came home with us. We all sat on the couch to watch a movie, and you can fill in the rest. Then we all went to bed (zzzz).

Then on Sunday, E went grocery shopping with us and then came home and we all got into bed to watch a movie. Well...

I don't regret anything that happened. F & I both care very deeply for B & E, and now we are closer to them than ever. We are also very committed to our own relationship.

I am just very scared of hurting F or our friends by trying to do something I might not have the skill for. I am in emotional upheaval over it, and I am away at work (unable to focus, of course) until the wknd.

Are we just swingers, or are we poly, or something else. What would poly lifestyle mean for B & E. How can I ask them about it? I don't know that either of them has ever considered it before, as they both had mono bf's before they met us. Would they be able to face their families? Could we face ours? Can we make them feel truly a part of our most intimate relationship when we have been together 15 years with no one else involved? I think I am beginning to love B & E (I find that deep love takes time), but does that mean we are in LTR with them as a Quad? I am so confused.

I just don't want to hurt our friends, as they mean the world to me and F. I would rather keep them as friends than push them away.
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  #2  
Old 12-08-2010, 12:19 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hiya, Levi. Welcome to the forum.

Yes, you (all of you) do belong here. You can find a lot of useful information here, as well as a caring community of poly-peeps.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi View Post
Are we just swingers, or are we poly, or something else. What would poly lifestyle mean for B & E. How can I ask them about it? I don't know that either of them has ever considered it before, as they both had mono bf's before they met us. Would they be able to face their families? Could we face ours? Can we make them feel truly a part of our most intimate relationship when we have been together 15 years with no one else involved? I think I am beginning to love B & E (I find that deep love takes time), but does that mean we are in LTR with them as a Quad? I am so confused.
These are all excellent questions, to which you and your ladies will have to find the answers for yourselves. One thing I can tell you for sure with poly is "one size does not fit all." There are many many ways to approach polyamorous relationships, and no two relationships or poly arrangements are the same. You will have to find your own way.

But here are some ideas to point you in the right direction, in no particular order.

The keys to successful poly relationships are honesty, respect, integrity and empathy for everyone involved.

It's time for you and your ladies to start educating yourselves on polyamory, to help you find your way in this strange and wonderful world. You'll find lots of good stuff here, and links to other good stuff elsewhere.

One thing y'all will need to do is really open up those lines of communication. Give the situation serious consideration, and start the dialogue. What do you really need/want from these relationships? What does each of them want/need? How can the four of you work together to meet those needs/wants?

Good luck to you and your ladies, BrotherMan, as you find your way. And again, welcome.
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Old 12-08-2010, 12:23 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Have you already talked to F about bringing them into the relationship? I'd certainly say that would be the first thing. She may only feel that the sex was fun, but they are still only friends... If she's ok with it thuogh, I'd get you and F to sit down with B and E either separately or individually and tell them how you feel about it.

Welcome to the forum. If you need anyone to talk to personally, feel free to send a PM my way. =]
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Last edited by Somegeezer; 12-08-2010 at 12:25 AM.
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Old 12-08-2010, 12:31 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Take a breath and realize that you are treading a path that others have before you. Start reading on here and see what you come up with. There are many good threads tagged and stickied for your reading enjoyment and education... not to mention numerous other sites that are good.

You have a lot of questions to answer for yourself and to get from the others. Start talking and figuring out what is going on for you in this. Ask questions here and to them. Slow right down and take steps to make sure that everyone is being respected and that you have a good foundation (as Fidelia suggested) before thinking of the future.

The main thing is to not jump to assuming and expecting from them or the situation. There is no reason to "name" yourself so much as to get a grasp on what is going on for all involved.
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  #5  
Old 12-08-2010, 04:05 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I just wanted to tell you, don't worry too much about "belonging" here. You're welcome either way!
I don't think we can identify your relationship better than you can, but I'm also not sure it needs a label, it might just be what it is, and you can call it what you feel most comfortable with.
Either way, it's good to know where everyone stands so you can be sure not to hurt one another accidentally.
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