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Old 12-07-2010, 07:26 PM
xianny xianny is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 5
Default BF having a baby - thoughts and advice?

I've been dating a guy, J, for about 3.5 months. We started things with the understanding of "something casual", and he told me right away that he was married. Neither of us were interested in getting very attached; "just sex" was a perfectly acceptable baseline.

As things go, we get along pretty well, and are starting to be more of friends. We see each other once a week; usually we go have dinner and then he stays the night at my place. He's met a few of my friends and I've met a few of his. I recently went to turkey day dinner at his place. We also found out we have quite a few mutual friends-of-friends, so there's probably an impending merger of friends in the mix.

I've only met his wife, B, once, when we went for coffee and chatted for about 40 minutes. She's very pregnant, due in about a month, and having a rough go of it, so she's tired most of the time and doesn't have much energy for socialising.

I don't really have a specific question, but I wanted to get some thoughts and advice from people more experienced than me. I would really like to be friends with B, but I don't want to impose on her, and I'm unsure as to how to proceed. My instinct tells me to just take it easy and let someone else set the pace.

He has told me that we probably won't have as much time together after the baby arrives, which is not a surprise at all, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But I'm definitely feeling like this is more than "just sex" now, and I feel like I want to be a part of their lives even if J and I are not having regular dates.

I also feel that I want to help somehow post-baby, but I don't know how appropriate that would be, or how comfortable B would be with anything. Gifts of food? Or should I just stay away?

There's a selfish part of me that just wants to be involved, but really I just want to make the whole experience easier for them. It would make me happy to be able to help but I'd be OK if they just wanted me to disappear for a while. I also find myself caring about B even though I barely know her; caring by proxy I guess. Somehow I wish that we'd met at a different time so that I'd have a better opportunity to get to know her.

So... thoughts, advice, anything to help me navigate this period of time to produce maximum good feelings and a minimum of unhappiness?
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