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Old 08-25-2009, 02:56 AM
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Jearith Jearith is offline
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Default Why and how did you get into poly?

Good Evening Everyone,

I was just curious about how you came across the ideas or concepts with in polyamory? And why/how you chose to make those Ideals your own (or why you choose not to)?

I'll start:

My first encounter with the idea that there was other ways a relationship and indeed a family could form would have to be when I read the Novel by Robert Heinlein - Time Enough For Love.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Enough_for_Love
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_A._Heinlein
Now before you ask yourself..> what is a young man doing reading romance novels..? Its not a romance novel, its a science fiction Novel, and it is the second book by R.Heinlein that I ever read (certainly not the last). I must say, the ideas in this book changed my life forever, I fell in love it, and with the main character, my hero, champion and guide - Lazarus Long.
I continued to read more and more of Heinlein's books, until I came across another book which rocked my world again..> Stranger In a Strange Land.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stranger_in_a_Strange_Land
This book has so much to give, and so many ideas.. im reading it through for the second time now.

So anyway that is where I got my first exposure to some of the ideas and concepts which exist within polyamory.

If you have never heard of Robert Heinlein I urge you to check out the links, and further more>> read some (or many) of his books.
*But on a final note, I never knew these Idea(l)s had a real name, as I said in my post on the introduction board, I first saw the actual word "Polyamory" while I was reading Richard Dawkin's book - The GOD Delusion.

- Thanks for reading -
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Old 08-25-2009, 03:12 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think my exposure came from Three's Company and Star Wars. They both had a love triangle(ish) subplot. (Though Star Wars went icky as the story progressed.) Everyone talked about Jack or Leis having to choose who they wanted to be with. I thought that was unfair. After all, they were all friends, why not let them all stay together. I didn't want the adventure/friendship to end.

I also read a lot of sci-fi (but didn't read Heinlein until long after I identified as poly). Lots of sci-fi has poly oriented material.

Most women I dated were bisexual and being a typical guy, I wanted to help them explore their bisexual side (and watch/join in). That idea led me to consider swinging, but I wanted it to be more of a relationship. After a bit, I fially discovered polyamory on the internet and I realized that described me perfectly.
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Old 08-25-2009, 05:32 AM
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Redpepper..simple and plain. Without her I highly doubt I would ever have gotten to know the word let alone be in a poly relationship....without her I wouldn't go into another one.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:30 AM
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I watched "summer lovers" from the early 80's about a man and his girlfriend going to Greece for the summer and his falling in love with a neighbor. Not only did I ponder the idea of being the man, but also pondered the idea of going to Greece... haven't fulfilled that dream yet.

My other lover/intimate friend lent that movie to us about a year ago, it has lost it's appeal in light of the fact that we have come so far compared to the characters in the movie... I think it has Darryl Hannah in it?

Next was "the Lunatic" a Jamaican movie I owned and watched a million times. I liken myself to the German woman (Olga Schmit) in many ways! Again, had no idea why I loved that movie so. I thought it was the soundtrack, but something captured me. I was a lesbian at the time too.

I don't read, but a lot of people I know read sci fi and came to poly from various things they read.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:57 AM
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For me, it just seemed natural. It wasn't spurred on by any media I had read/seen. Just all my life, even though I was raised very conservatively, in the back of my mind I couldn't make sense of monogamy.
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Old 08-25-2009, 02:46 PM
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I didn't learn about it until AFTER I was already in a poly relationship. We had just, fallen in love, and knew we all HAD to be together. We didn't know there were others like us out there. Not until one day I was feeling a bit remenicant and looking through old gf's letters and decided to contact one.

Her and I got to talking and she told me she was married (to a man) I KNEW her, so i asked about a gf, and she went on to tell me about her triad. My jaw nearly hit the floor, I couldn't believe it.

That's the first time I heard the word polyamory. We were so excited that there were others like us out there, in sucessful poly relationships. So yeah, we didn't even know this world existed We were thrilled to find it to say the least!
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Old 08-25-2009, 03:54 PM
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I think I first learned of polyamory about 15 years ago, when an acquaintance showed me Loving More magazine. He was a polyamorist, and, like me, didn't much like the idea of "dating". We both figured that people just hang out, they maybe go to movies, have tea or coffee together, maybe go for a walk in the park..., and if they like each other as potential friends they take a friend path, and if they want to snog [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...ited_States#S] at some point, well, they just do -- and all without ever really "dating". Dating, as this acquaintance-slash-friend would have it, was "checking someone out to see if they fit a preconceived niche in your life". He thought it was an unkind way to be with people.

Being queer (bisexual, bi-affectionate), and having a boyfriend at the time, I wasn't much in a position to be "normal" about love and sex, anyway. And, anyway, I've always been a misfit in "Normal Land". I simply think too much for Normal Land and myself to be a good match. And so polyamory resonated with me those years ago, even though I hadn't had any experience with it. My partner at the time was pretty monogamous and so I was monogamous with him, by default. That was fine, for as long as it lasted--, which is to say before the crash and burn. But the crash and burn wasn't as a result of our monogamy. But most people go through these sooner or later; this one was just especially destructive to my, at the time, not so resilient soul.

For a brief while, I hung out with West coast Radical Faeries. A boyfriend (short term) introduced me to them, and at first I was appalled by their strangeness and wildness, and then I got over it and had a really good time being with them in the woods, letting it all hang out. I got to kiss and cuddle with some of the cuter ones, even! But it bothered me that so few of them wanted to have enduring and committed relationships. Many or most of them looked down on anything with the slightest hint of or association with "monogamy" with disdain. Most were highly promiscuous. Sex seemed to be elevated over loving relationships. And I knew that wasn't for me.

All I can say is that over the years the monogamist in me mutated at some deep psychic DNA level. I ended up rejecting both extremes: the extreme of monogamy and the extreme of commitment phobia and reckless promiscuity. And by "reckless" I mainly mean reckless with regard to hearts and souls rather than reckless about STDs -- which is another matter. I like loving and being loved, and like to include nakedness and kisses in it. The loving is the cake and the snogging (etc.) is some icing on it. What is it when you have just icing and no cake?! Nothing I need or want, that's what.

Gay/queer men very often don't think like me at all on these matters. Lots of us queer guys seem to hop from one disposable sex partner to another -- often with an unwritten and unspoken agreement never to see one another again, or speak to one another if they do happen to bump into each other on the streets. I think this is just sad. Love is so much better than mere sex, and sex with love is as good as it gets.

I'm glad I found myself, gradually, where I am now -- free to love whom I will and how I choose.
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:57 PM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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First off Jearith I love the Heinlein avatar .

Will first learned about the word back in 1998. Wife and and I have had an open poly relationship since our first marriage back in 1972. Been a long circle of here and there's and up's and down's. We were divorced for a couple of years but still had a relationship even as she was married to another. He turned abusive towards her and children so she broke him off and then we got remarried. Several triads - quads - lovers later we're still here. Still walking the circle and chasing the rainbows.

Just Me,
Tim
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Old 08-25-2009, 11:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricavaler View Post
For me, it just seemed natural. It wasn't spurred on by any media I had read/seen. Just all my life, even though I was raised very conservatively, in the back of my mind I couldn't make sense of monogamy.
This is very much me too.... I always knew I was poly, but didn't know there was a name for it until a few years back.
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Old 08-26-2009, 03:46 AM
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I was always poly, emotionally. But I stayed in mono relationships because it was expected. I was a serial monogamist, going from relationship to relationship because no one ever wanted to leave it open. And I often cheated when the feelings for someone else emerged. And then broke off the relationship(s). In my 20s I finally met someone who allowed me to date another man openly but even he couldn't take it after a year of indecision. I felt dirty to be honest. Until my husband (then friend with benefits-because I was never allowed an in between of a serious relationship and a friend) gave me the "poly" title. I fought it for years, stayed mono with him, but the bisexual in me won out and I dated a woman.
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