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  #101  
Old 11-09-2010, 06:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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@tonberry, take it from someone who pushes buttons you gave her a gift and she didn't want it... right now. You made her think differently and that is a gift in my books. Often people don't want to rock their world of denial that there is anything going on outside of their own world, but there is and it's exciting and interesting and worth understanding in order to understand ourselves better... that is always worth pointing out to me.

please don't beat yourself up or think anything of it. We have had many people leave here in a huff and it really is an indication that it is their loss or this is just not the right place for them... end of story, close the book, move on...

we love you here, so.... there ya go
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  #102  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:07 AM
julanders julanders is offline
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Question Poly lifestyle within a monogamous world

Just curious how many of you communicate your lifestyle with you mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends?

Have you had instances of being judged or criticised? or shunned? general acceptance?

Do you keep it from your friends? from family?

I guess just looking for general experiences.

Thank you all.
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  #103  
Old 12-06-2010, 03:09 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by julanders View Post
Just curious how many of you communicate your lifestyle with you mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends?

Have you had instances of being judged or criticised? or shunned? general acceptance?

Do you keep it from your friends? from family?

I guess just looking for general experiences.

Thank you all.
The worst reaction I had was from a former friend who is in an open relationship with her spouse. Apparently it's okay for them to screw other people, but when we got feelings involved, well that was just "unfair" to Indigo and he didn't even realize he was being "used."

My immediate family knows, Indigo's does not. Mr. A's does not, and won't for the forseeable future. Friends know as needed. A few of my coworkers know. Most reactions have been positive to indifferent. Lots of "I couldn't do that, but if it makes you happy, then that's all that matters."

Mr. A was grilled by his coworkers, but it was in a concerned for his well-being sort of way, and once they had more info on how things worked, they backed off and were supportive.

I don't really have to choose partners when going out with friends, as Mr. A's job is so demanding that he often doesn't have the time/energy.

I think we've got it easy, compared to some situations I've read about here. We're all happy with our roles in each other's lives and are getting our needs met.
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  #104  
Old 12-07-2010, 02:34 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by julanders View Post
Just curious how many of you communicate your lifestyle with you mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends?

Have you had instances of being judged or criticised? or shunned? general acceptance?

Do you keep it from your friends? from family?

I guess just looking for general experiences.

Thank you all.
Our family has been accepting of our being poly. We have only had one friend who could not handle it. She SAID she could....because...of all things...Her brother was gay. Whatever. Then, when we opened up on Facebook, (she was one of our friends on there) she got upset, and thought we were possibly damaging our children by being so open with our 13 y/o and our 19 y/o. Again...Whatever!

When L told her mom, her mom told her, that they (her parents) were in a similar relationship when she (my wife) was younger.

My mom had no problems with it. Neither have any of our other friends. Just the one.

I have told several co-workers. Why? Because I don't want V to come to the shop, and be kissing me, then they feel like they have to keep quiet around my wife L. LOL So, I let them know that V is our girlfriend, and my wife knows about her, and she knows about my wife....and that we are ALL...in fact...seeing each other! The guys all ask: "WOW! How did you get your wife to go for that, and how can I get in on the action????" And the women all ask: "And your wife is ok with this? Sounds pretty cool to me and it looks like it works. You've really been married for 20 years?"

So yeah, the men generally want to know how they can hook up with my wife since we must be "swingers"....while the women want to know more about how it works.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-07-2010 at 03:21 PM.
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  #105  
Old 12-07-2010, 01:52 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Our friends have been completely amazing, very supportive and accepting of our partners. Our families have ranged in reaction from indifference to hostility. I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over. I've repeated some of the same answers to the same questions over and over again with some people. They "Just can't believe" what I tell them. It's like they have to "win" the discussion somehow and need me to admit, "Oh, you're right, I do love my husband MORE than my boyfriend", which is totally untrue.
Ok, one more piece of advice. Those that do support you in coming out are an invaluable part of the process. I don't think we could have done it without them <3
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  #106  
Old 12-07-2010, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
Our friends have been completely amazing, very supportive and accepting of our partners. Our families have ranged in reaction from indifference to hostility. I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over. I've repeated some of the same answers to the same questions over and over again with some people. They "Just can't believe" what I tell them. It's like they have to "win" the discussion somehow and need me to admit, "Oh, you're right, I do love my husband MORE than my boyfriend", which is totally untrue.
Ok, one more piece of advice. Those that do support you in coming out are an invaluable part of the process. I don't think we could have done it without them <3
This is the best coming out post I have seen! There is some really good thoughts and advice in here... thanks booklady, you put words to my thoughts and I am grateful for that. The only think I would add is to be empathetic to those you come out to and patient.
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  #107  
Old 12-07-2010, 08:41 PM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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I have similar worries. Mostly about people at work (since most of my friends and family know and are ok with it). My work issue involves both wanting to celebrate both of my wonderful boyfriends publicly (they know about my first bf, but not the one I started dating a few months ago) and not wanting to have to spend hours explaining the social, psychological and sexual structure of polyamory to confused, judgemental, lifelong monogamists.
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  #108  
Old 12-09-2010, 06:44 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I think we've got it easy, compared to some situations I've read about here. We're all happy with our roles in each other's lives and are getting our needs met.
Says YOU Wife. You've got a new role, as the wife, please refer to this: http://www.j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm for the job description :P I kid love.

TP is right about the mixed reactions. The worst I had was a closer than close friend reacted badly. She went off about the sanctity of marriage, what will we tell the as yet unconceived (or ill-conceived) children, etc. etc. eventually she calmed down (in a day or so) and went the "whatever makes you happy" route.

Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over.
I guess this is what I feel. I am not comfortable with the eventuality of having my family blow up. It's a response that isn't likely, but I really don't know. I have no issue with having friends blow up, but my family and I are close and I am petrified of their response, and possible rejection. Because at it's heart, a bad response is a rejection of the life I lead.
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  #109  
Old 12-09-2010, 09:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
I have no issue with having friends blow up, but my family and I are close and I am petrified of their response, and possible rejection. Because at it's heart, a bad response is a rejection of the life I lead.
What if they reject the life you lead? Will they take their love away? I don't know you or them, but I doubt that. I read in your blog also how wrapped up in your fears you are now. This is something I am going through now as well, trying to separate my feelings from what I need to do to take care of me. I mean, it's okay to be afraid. The hard part is not letting the fear dictate what you do, but rather allowing yourself to feel it, observe it, and then take a step back (somehow) and take care of your needs without getting swept away by the fear or whatever other emotions petrify you.

Good word, petrify -- I was just telling my shrink how rejection is such a strong trigger that immobilizes me and makes me feel unable to function, or at least function well. He said, I need to develop structure in my life that will make me stronger in myself, so that the acceptance or rejection of others does not have such a profound effect on me (I tend to feel crushed and as if I am doomed when I sense rejection from people I care about). He said that this structure I need (and I don't know what it is you need, but just sharing) will give me a foundation so that when rejection or disappointment happens, it only "rattles the windows a little" rather than make me feel like my world is crashing down. I like the phrase he used, because it's not like I have to be so strong that I don't feel the rejection at all, but I can handle the windows rattling.

Edit: I am not saying you should tell them or do anything differently, just to be clear. But I think there is value in examining the fear and finding a way to bump up against it without letting it knock you over. Then, decisions you make will be your own. You may very well choose not to come out to family, and be perfectly satisfied with that choice, but I think it won't be very satisfying if the decision is fear-based.


HTH
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-09-2010 at 09:53 PM. Reason: added a little bit more, for clarification
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  #110  
Old 12-22-2010, 03:33 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I think we are currently operating under a don't ask/ don't tell policy with our families both about our relationships and our religion. My siblings, husband, and father outed me as bisexual to my mom last Christmas Eve and the response was, "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." As for our friends, most everyone knows we have an "open marriage", but only a couple know who we're in a relationship with. And its so much easier to just leave it at that most of the time. Although I really wish that my husband hadn't taken our request not to out us early on in the relationship, as don't talk about this to anyone or give yourself a place to vent your frustrations when you have them. I love that he's respected that request, but wish that he had someone outside the relationship to talk to when his bi-polar triggers negative feelings.
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