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  #21  
Old 12-01-2010, 12:59 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Firstly,wow, River. I really appreciate you. Like, you have no idea how well we would get along sitting across a table from each other with a few empty beer bottles between us. When I first joined this forum, it was your words that gave me the most insight. And now, after having grown in my love and stepped out onto thin ice once more, it's your words again that bring me the peace I've needed. Thank you.

Secondly, Mono and RP. You two are my inspirations. And simply knowing that you are both available as a life line and as a resource has given me more strength than you can possibly know. Thank you.

Third, my love. Your usernname is incredibly apt. Thank you for knowing me like you do; for reminding me who I am; for giving me hope; for calling me out; for respecting me enough to never give into my lesser self, and most of all for being an outstanding human being with unyielding aspirations.

Here's an update:

I freaked the fuck out a couple nights ago. I came home from work to an empty house and began imagining myself alone with RC and Charlie away together. I sat down at the computer and began a stream of consciousness rant about how I felt. It was cathartic, to be sure, but filled with demons and selfishness. When RC came home, exhausted from the constant struggle and barely able to do more than hug me, I let it all out on her. I told her that I changed my mind and I didn't want this weekend to happen. I told her that I didn't respect myself for having made this decision and that I didn't feel safe or considered in the plan that was made. She listened through her own anger and resentment and the night progressed into me launching into a tirade about me, me, me and my selfish little self. She saw straight through my bullshit fear and insecurity, forced me to lie down in front of the fire and brought me back to reality with one hell of a massage. I still don't know if she realizes how much I needed that gift of caring touch.

The next day we learned that a good friend of ours moved his wife from the hospital, where she was battling cancer, into hospice care. This, and a couple other key insights, gave me the perspective that I had lost in my haze of uncertainty. Life is far too short, my friends. Any one of us could be hit by a bus at any minute. If something were to happen to RC, and if I had the opportunity to give her this gift of happiness and chose the path of selfish insecurity instead, I would no doubt regret it for the rest of my days. That's the real shit.

I don't expect that I've seen the last of my demons. But I feel like I have ample weapons now to defend my home against them. Thank you all for being arrows in my quiver.
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  #22  
Old 12-01-2010, 03:43 PM
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*hugs* catfish and rarechild. I can so relate to both of you in this thanks for the reminder of how far I've come. It sounds like your foundation is solid and holding. Good to hear.
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  #23  
Old 12-01-2010, 07:58 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
Firstly,wow, River. I really appreciate you. Like, you have no idea how well we would get along sitting across a table from each other with a few empty beer bottles between us. When I first joined this forum, it was your words that gave me the most insight. And now, after having grown in my love and stepped out onto thin ice once more, it's your words again that bring me the peace I've needed. Thank you.
I'd love to empty a couple of beers with you, friend! Too bad you two live so damn far away -- but you're always welcome if ever you find yourself in my part of the world.

I was just feeling slightly envious of you, actually. How's that for paradox? Well, you and RC are SO tight, your commitment and communication are SO solid, that you have this fantastic opportunity to face these demons with amazing empathetic support from your partner. And it's amazing because the two of you are each supported in feeling what you feel and expressing it -- in the context of great self and other trust.

I have much of this with my partner, but he's what I call a "low verbal" type, and I'm a "high verbal" type -- and this is a real challenge for both of us. Low verbal folks often lack the verbal talents to express themselves well in words, or to understand others when they do so. And they tend to be slow to
even try to do so -- and maybe especially toward a "high verbal" person(?). But we love each other tremendously. But it ain't always so easy!

Never forget how lucky you are -- both of you!
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  #24  
Old 12-03-2010, 06:00 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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How Lucky indeed.
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  #25  
Old 12-07-2010, 05:09 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Catfish, I feel similar emotions as you do when my girlfriend is with her other boyfriend. The way that I'd like to solve it is by being told many details, even if the details would make him seem like he is a superior lover. I want the chance to own my own feelings. I also rather try to get turned-on by my partner being with her boyfriend rather than just stay neutral about it. I need to try to turn it into candy in order to feel compersion. I'm questioning this perspective, but only because she is not telling me as much as I'd like. If she were telling me more, I don't think that I'd be questioning my perspective.

The woman that I'm dating has told me some details, but not to the extent that I desire.
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  #26  
Old 12-08-2010, 10:28 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
The woman that I'm dating has told me some details, but not to the extent that I desire.
Well, there's an approach I hadn't considered. And not one that I think would do much for me, to be honest. I'm still much more comfortable keeping is at arms length. Being aware of their intimacy level is enough for me. I don't find my self needing that much information. Also, I believe they deserve a measure of privacy. I guess we're all still feeling out where those boundaries are.
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  #27  
Old 12-15-2010, 05:44 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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So here's an update:

Things are good. Still very sensitive, but very good. The weekend came and went and I survived it. Learned from it even. The days since have been a bit of a blur for me. I feel like something in me has broken. Call it pride. Call it an old fashioned sense of comfort and stability. Call it whatever you want. I can't seem to find a name for it. But it broke. And I am slowly beginning the long road to repairing it. This trauma was anticipated, calculated and completely warranted. But trauma it is. And like any injury, the healing tends to create a stronger, more adaptable flesh in it's wake. I have begun reconnecting with faces from my past and finding small things I can do to improve my future. Simple things. Like a gym membership. Like calling an old friend whom I hadn't talked to in nearly two years and finding out that not only is he coming to town for the holidays, but I was on his list of people to call as well.

There's so much more going on it's hard to know where to go next.

More to come. Much more.
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  #28  
Old 12-15-2010, 11:20 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
.... I feel like something in me has broken. .... I can't seem to find a name for it. But it broke. And I am slowly beginning the long road to repairing it. ....
My impression, CatFish, is that you wanted to sail off into these uncharted waters and that you ultimately have no regrets about leaving shore, leaving even mapped familiar territory.... Perhaps you did not expect to sail over the edge of the world ... to be floating in unfamilar space, unknown and unnamed. Emotionally, that is. Maybe your head expected it, but maybe your heart didn't anticipate this weightlessness, this absense of the familar compass and maps....

It's one thing to project oneself down the road, down the river, up a creek ... in 3-D Technicolor -- all imagined, forseen...; ... and another to be freefalling, freefloating -- like a child going to school on day one. Or taking the bicycle, alone, round the block the first time. Or hitting the ramp on it. (I busted my head open and spilled blood enough to frighten grandmothers.)

Nothing is broken closed here. It's all busted wide open. The old landmarks don't mean what they once did. So, congratulations. You're on the road to ... not nowhere, but now here. Call it eutopia (a good place). And let it be so, Capn. Let it be so! For all that's being lost here is a too-small cage for a just rightly sized yourself.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-16-2010 at 08:42 PM.
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  #29  
Old 12-16-2010, 04:51 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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River, it's uncanny how you do what you do exactly when it needs to be done. Coincidentally, I updated my list of people to connect with yesterday and you were on it. Thank you, friend.

p.s. thought you'd enjoy this.
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  #30  
Old 12-16-2010, 06:13 PM
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River River is offline
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Yeah, Catfish, it feels a little uncanny on this end too -- but I'm getting more and more used to strange magic occurring between those of us who are open to it. I feel it in spades with you and your love.

===

NeonKaos,

Thank you for correcting the apparent typo or misspelling of utopia. I know you meant well. However, I really did mean to type out "eutopia," which a little etymological inquiry will reveal. You see, utopia literally means "nowhere," while eutopia literally means "good place" -- in Greek. Thomas More was apparently quite aware of this when he wrote his now very old novel.

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?...earchmode=none


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Utopia

Last edited by River; 12-16-2010 at 06:34 PM.
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