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  #141  
Old 12-05-2010, 05:07 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Carl, I don't mind feel free to mention anything that clicks with you in my posts. You are right there was some deceit and betrayal at the beginning of my situation too. I was so angry and hurt I almost went insane the first few days. My wife actually ran away those two days after I found out, she was afraid. I spent two days walking around trying to find the other guy to kill him. I don't remember much it was just a red haze. I don't like to think about all that now.
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  #142  
Old 12-05-2010, 08:03 PM
carl carl is offline
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I get what you mean about the red/haze.

My rage has been mostly the result of a loving wife going from truly considering (NOT always agreeing and in fact, often we didn't agree prior to this arrangement) my feelings, to almost not at all..

And feelings are a bit tricky... because while I can admit I'm an emotional person what's bothered me a lot in this is that no one in the beginning wanted to truly discuss logistics and how it was all going to work out, except for me.

I was accused of looking too far ahead, pushing the situation into what it was/is now, because I was anticipating. What I was actually doing was preparing, for the inevitable as I listened to her and HER feelings, observations and struggles.

At this stage, everything I 'feared' has come to fruition more or less, but without my very much needed input. We're barely into month 3 of this 'arrangement' and it's not really yet an arrangement at all. We're fumbling through this without any sort of plan, without any sort of true discussion on limits and boundaries (which seem to be tossed out the window -- especially when they're my own).

Frankly, it's a huge mess right now, and you can imagine, I've grown rather tired of being the only one that's interested in making suggestions that can fit for all of us.

From my perspective, with the exception of my freak out moments, I'm wondering why am I the only adult here? And I'm barely one at that.

this isn't very coherent today but again, I appreciate this space right now. It's been too hard to carry this all alone.
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  #143  
Old 12-06-2010, 11:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carl View Post
this isn't very coherent today but again, I appreciate this space right now. It's been too hard to carry this all alone.
No, no, you're very coherent, and I think you can and should be able to say to her what you wrote in your last post, if you can do it without lashing out and simply state what you're feeling. It sounds like she needs to listen. Reality check.
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  #144  
Old 12-23-2010, 07:12 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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Somebody tell me that it's perfectly okay to say I don't WANT this. I don't. I WANT the feelings a mutually monogamous relationship give me. I DON'T want to share my wife's affection, love, whatever it is that you want call it. Nope. Not for me. I. DON'T. WANT. IT.

I'm tired of being accused of not accepting her "as she is." Oh yeah? If this is how you are, you should have said something TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO before we got married and had THREE FUCKING KIDS.

So now, she gets mad at me for being on the fence. I don't want to live with this. I don't want to drink whatever Kool-Aid it is that monos drink to be perfectly okay married to a poly. Fuck, no. I don't want it. But I don't want to leave. I don't want to start over. I don't want to disrupt my kids' lives. I don't want to support TWO households financially now (she doesn't work).

And yes, I'm actually talking to my old girlfriend again (I think I called her Bree on this forum). Hell, met her again IRL last weekend. Fucked her brains out (when I could actually manage to get it up, which was difficult, thanks to this total mindfuck of a situation). More sure than ever that I love her - Only I can't tell her this because she's so weirded out by all this that the ONLY way she'd agree to see me is if we didn't apply labels to anything and was just "us." I mentioned last night on the phone I'd like to see her more regularly and she said she sees the appeal, but it would put our label-less friendship at risk. So apparently I've messed her up in the head so bad that she can't even consider a real relationship now.

So...

Stay. And be miserable being fucking cuckolded once a week against my will and told that any objection to it just isn't being fair.

Or...

Leave. Fuck up my kids' heads for life. Ruin myself financially at 32. And hope and pray that maybe Bree comes around to wanting something real with me. Or play the field, something I never was any good at when I was single.

Fuck this shit so god damned much.
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  #145  
Old 12-23-2010, 07:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It IS ok to feel all of these things dear sir.

The problem is that in this life there are many (and this is obviously going to be one for you) situations where we don't get to choose to DO "what we want" or "what feels right" or "feels good". We have to choose between choices we don't like, don't feel right or don't feel good.

Which choice will work "the best" for you out of the choices/options you see for yourself? That's the real question.

It hurts, I know it does.
I've been in situations where every choice I had felt like a big huge fuck you slamming into my head. I'm sorry that you are hurting.
It sounds like it may be a good time for you to take a weekend to yourself and just go do something for yourself, give yourself some time to just think through your actual options, and the real consequences of those actions so that you can decide what to do and then put your whole heart and mind into it.

Good luck.
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  #146  
Old 12-23-2010, 08:02 PM
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Ditto Baby, feelings are always OK. It's Christmas Eve here and with every minute I stay here typing the traffic is building. So I haven't got time to do your post justice but I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and I'm sending you many, many hugs.

Keep communicating, I'll post properly later. What I would really like to do is communicate with Bree!

Stay strong, a Romantic Greek is a very desirable kind of person to be.
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  #147  
Old 12-24-2010, 03:20 AM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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I'm sorry for my outburst. I've been... up and down. One minute I feel okay, the next I'm boiling over.

I look at the life I have... had. And I want it back. I don't want to be a primary - I want to be an only. I tried. Good god, I tried. Anybody can read the posts I've made here and see how I wanted to try. But I just can't do it. I can't let go. Sage, I know you've written books (literally) on the subject. I don't mean to disparage your fine work. I just... I feel abandoned. Every relationship with a woman I've ever had, going back to those first crushes in jr. high, ended in me being abandoned.

I want mutual monogamy. I don't know why. Intellectually, I understand poly. I get why you folks do it. I get what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to love her anyway. I'm supposed to push jealousy aside and feel compersion. I don't. I don't even really want to anymore. She's my wife. The things that she shares with her boyfriend (not the one I've previously mentioned, she has one locally now) are supposed to be between us. And yes, I know "supposed to" is subjective. I'm just stating my feelings, and, contrary to what my dear wife would assert, I'm not just parroting a lifetime of repressive patriarchal societal conditioning. I consider myself so progressive, but I can't get past this.

And so I think about separating. We had basically decided on it as of Tuesday night, and I was at peace. Except I had, of course, made the assumption that I could have Bree. When I remove that assumption, when I remove the feeling that she gives me, the feeling of being loved the way I need to be loved, I'm terrified. I don't know how to leave. I don't want to leave my kids. My house. My pets. Even stupid little things, like parking my car in the garage. Apartments don't have garages. I like parking my car in the garage. I bought a house with a 2-car garage so I could do this. Why should I have to sacrifice that? And the list of little things like that go on and on...

Why do I think I can't have Bree? She said to me months ago that she wanted us to be honest with each other and just be us. No labels, because labels bring expectations. She's stressed by the situation with me and my wife. She's stressed by grad school. She's stressed by situations at odds with her principles (did I mention her grad school is a seminary?). I don't think she wants the stress of a relationship... But then... what are we? We're in constant contact (IM, text, etc.). Out of the blue she invited me to see her last weekend, and we had SO much fun. We're so... great together. And our parting on Sunday was hard on us both. Before I'd even made it home, she was texting me that she missed me. She called me last night to hear my voice. But every time I try to bring up seeing each other again, or regularly, or maybe giving our "label-less" relationship a little more substance, she backs off.

Sigh.
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  #148  
Old 12-24-2010, 04:06 AM
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I have never said (or written) that everyone can or should be in a polyamorous relationship. I say in my book that a good idea is to take inventory and work out what is really important to you. From that inventory you can work out what you really want in your life.

From what you say you want to be loved passionately and you want the material and financial benefits that you've built up over the course of your marriage. I don't think those things mean that your marriage to a polyamorous partner can't work but I think your abandonment issues will make it more difficult.

Your relationship with your wife seems problematic if you feel that she is giving affection to another party and not to you. I think that polys in relationships with monos need to work very hard to help their partners feel loved and secure. Do you think that she is doing this or do you think she would do this if you allowed her to? If a person is very angry and hurt it is sometimes hard to love them.
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  #149  
Old 12-24-2010, 04:58 AM
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Actually Romantic Greek Guy it just struck me while I was mowing my lawns that you aren't even mono. Presumably you love two women, your problems is that neither relationship is working for you. I don't know if making either one of them mono would solve your problems
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  #150  
Old 12-24-2010, 08:19 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatRomanticGeek View Post

Leave. Fuck up my kids' heads for life. Ruin myself financially at 32. .
I completely started over at 37 my friend. Being internally healthy is much more important than being externally comfortable. Follow you're heart, not your wallet is my opinion.
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