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  #131  
Old 11-28-2010, 03:38 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Default Situation last week: facebook

It seems to be taking a great effort to write today. Mainly because I think I am fed up with having to think about polyamory all the while. That's my life now I guess.

Before I start I should mention that my wife friended me on facebook only because I told her that was one of the things I needed to feel happy about the situation, that nothing was behind my back.

Last sunday night we had an argument because basically J (my wife) had been indiscrete on facebook (fucking facebook again!) She had sent D love messages on there and he had replied in kind.
That irritated me for two reasons.
One is that she does not treat us both the same on FB. She still does not really want me on there, and whether it is because of NRE or what, she sends him romantic stuff whereas I get pictures of panda bears.
The second reason is that whether she realises or not she is sending a subliminal message to other people that HE is the one she loves and that infers that she is just with me for the kids sake.
It is a pride thing, not a jealousy thing.
She got defensive and angry and told me I was being stupid. Then, right in the middle of the argument
She got a comment back from one of her friends that made it obvious they thought J was having an affair, which vindicated everything I was saying, which brought her up short but did not stop the argument.
Although the weather was freezing I went out for half an hour so we could both cool down. When I was out I answered a text from D on my phone and took the unprecendented step of telling him about my argument with J. This was stepping over a boundary, but I felt that the situation was half his fault. Or not, I don't know what I was feeling actually, I was just sad and felt humiliated.
We arranged to meet in a park between our two places (he lives a mile away.)
J meanwhile had texted me that she was sorry. She also texted him and found out that we were just going to meet and tried to stop us. This was going over another boundary, us meeting without her present. She phoned both of us to try to stop us meeting. She was afraid that we would fight.
Anyway we met for a few minutes and discussed the situation. I got him to see my point of view . He was sorry too and said he did not care about fb actually. We both said we only went on there because J is on it. I said that this would probably get worse as other people found out so we (or more ME) would have to find a way to deal with it. He suffers no loss of face being with somebody else's wife.
When I got home J was calm and had put loads of love messages and stuff to me on facebook to try to put it right.
The next day after sleeping on it I decided that the whole fb thing was beneath me and not worth my time. So I wrote J a note and said I was going to shut down my fb so she and D could do what they wanted on it, I was giving them that trust and freedom but to please remember how they made me look in front of other people; I sent D a text saying the same thing.
However both of them asked me to stay on it and said they would not make stuff obvious in future. I still have not decided what to do; I don't want to talk about the Facebook ever again and also don't want them to feel like I am policing them.

At the root of this is just my pride that I want other people to know we are still a couple and not a shell of a marriage. At least 4 of her friends now know about D but I have no idea how they are perceiving our marriage. I feel that effectively J is coming out unilaterally without regard for my feelings.

The rest of the week was OK. Been planning Christmas.
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  #132  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:02 AM
marta marta is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
It's the little things that upset me. Seemingly stupid little things like Z hasn't had a glass of wine here at home with me in so long I can't remember the last time. But with J here he all of a sudden wants to be included as if she makes it a special enough occasion, whereas I don't.
Sage ~ (I've been away from posting for a while but I felt so close to you when I read this.) I totally am the same with the little things. Recently I had a "not special" reaction because R stayed up until 3am talking and reading with K, and when we're together he's usually gaming until he's ready to pass-out. Sometimes I read out loud to us but he's asleep within a page or two. So for him to be off the computer and with her, engaged, until 3 AM!!!! was so feeding my "i'm not special" story.

I so get it.

That was over a month ago... During a counseling session shortly after, I made the request (after speaking my fears from my "insecure little girl place") that he consider stopping gaming early sometimes or make time during the day to do some reading with me. (sounds so simple, right? it was hard to do, mostly for fear of sounding "complainy", but it has actually been successful I think). I think in that case, I had a specific thing I was missing/wanting besides just the association with it being a "special-making thing".

I love that this site exists, and I'm curious if other people have more ideas around when to tell the kids. I have a different situation where R's longest partner and the mother of his now 12 year old daughter live in Mexico. I met them and we lived together for 3 months 3 years ago, and his daughter was 9, and didn't "officially know" anything; and now R and I live in the US and he goes to visit them 1-2 times a year, and I know I want his daughter to be as honored and considered as possible.

Grateful to you all
- marta
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  #133  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:51 AM
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sage sage is offline
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@Vodkafan: Of course I don't know you but I feel from your posts that you are such a sweetie and I felt very sad reading your last post. It sounds as if your wife and her boyfriend realized that they stuffed up and have tried to make amends. I think it's important for us all to remember that we all make mistakes and the important thing is how they are resolved.

From my experience I think it's really important not to gloss over things that hurt but that we think we should be big enough to rise above. I think your concerns about face book and your wife coming out are perfectly valid and once you're feeling a little less fragile it would be wise to sort it out. It's not just about your pride, it's also about your wife having respect for your feelings about your place in your community.
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  #134  
Old 11-28-2010, 07:03 AM
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sage sage is offline
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@ Marta

I'm really lucky that Z usually takes my concerns really seriously and changes his behavior accordingly. I hope your partner does too because that in itself is a way we can feel really special.

We had the gaming issues as well in the beginning of our relationship. It was a huge shock for me when we moved in together and Z didn't seem to want to come to bed with me at night, preferring to stay up playing computer games until the early hours. I actually left over it. I said that I didn't see how he could love me in the way I wanted if he would rather be on the computer most nights than in bed with me.

Then it was him who was shocked. He had no idea that I equated computer time at night with lack of love. He had been in such a bad marriage previously that they just didn't do anything together and he had no real idea of how a good relationship operates. To save money he and his ex-wife would always go out separately so as not to have to pay babysitters. It's taken me over two years but he is now an excellent partner who loves coming to bed with me and going on "dates", as he calls it.
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  #135  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:58 AM
marta marta is offline
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@ Sage

Thanks for those words Sage. I feel gotten around the gaming thing. It's definitely been a place of learning for me. And yes, thankfully R totally takes my requests seriously and fully gets the wants and needs behind them. Very lucky. So - does Z no longer game at night or does he no longer game? And is it always go to bed together or most times? You can definitely pass on answering, I'm just curious how your request went and how it is now. Also - go you for leaving/ standing up for what you need/want. Isn't it fascinating when our "crossed wires" aren't shared - like Z not realizing not sleeping together = lack of love? I'm happy that piece sounds like it's working out for you now.
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  #136  
Old 11-29-2010, 06:03 AM
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Hi Marta

I'm happy to say he is a very changed man. He still games but after dinner while I'm writing or watching TV. I usually like to hop into bed quite early but keep writing or watching TV from there and he was coming to bed with me so often that I confess that I started sneaking away just to get some alone time in bed (I'm a real bed person). He started getting upset that he didn't know where I was so now I have to say ":bedtime", which means it's my bedtime and I'm going. But he always follows in half and hour or so. If I stay up too late he says "Is it bedtime yet?" So sweet. .

Our big challenge though, well mine anyway is the fact that he leaves for his new job in Australia next week, while I have to stay and clear up everything here, which will probably take at least 6 weeks. For me this makes polyamory feel like no big deal at all, even though his OSO might hook up with him over there if her work fits in. The longest we've ever been apart is 9 days and that was so hard.
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  #137  
Old 12-01-2010, 03:48 AM
marta marta is offline
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@ sage
That sounds so sweet, your little "bedtime" ritual

And I hear you, 6 weeks apart sounds rough. Wow. That will be a major thing, it sounds like. Scary! And we'll be here to hear you out and hopefully some wonderful piece will come out of it for you both as well.

I'm feeling quite relaxed while R is on a date tonight with a mutual friend who is passing through (though i'm chomping down on chocolate and almonds and cranberries ), and i am so happy i'm not freaking out. usually i am sitting here holding back from walking by his window or counting the minutes until he IMs me saying he's up for connecting or saying goodnight (we live in a community of 100 people so we live in different houses but it's all a bit like college dorms); but tonight i'm not really counting the minutes and feel good and not preoccupied. how weird. i wonder if it's because it's new or she doesn't live here or if i just had a shift of heart and feel more secure in myself....

sending you love
- marta
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  #138  
Old 12-04-2010, 03:48 PM
carl carl is offline
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Hi,

I'm new to the site, thread. And, in a lot of emotional turmoil over finding myself in a poly situation that was not expected.

I don't have much to say right now, so I'll likely lurk for a while. My wife is on this forum, and she doesn't know I signed up, but told me about this, so I feel I need to keep a lot my own story... private for now. Make sense?

But I am looking for support too, and would love to find it amongst other monogamous folks.

Thanks.
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  #139  
Old 12-04-2010, 10:51 PM
Athena Athena is offline
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Hi Carl,

Without knowing your exact situation it is hard to know what you could use for thought material, but I will therefore extrapolate somewhat from my own experience. I needed to know that I remained relevant to my sig other despite his interest in some variety. He and I are the best of friends, and I feel pretty confident at this point that he would not easily find some one else suited to him emotionally, though there are some things he wants to try fun and games wise that he doesn't "want to do with some one he loves". In reality, we all share each and every one of our loved ones with other people in one way or another - whether that loved one is our intimate partner shared with some other intimate partner, or is our best friend that we have to share with some other close friend of theirs, or whether the loved one is a parent that is shared with our sibs and other relatives etc. The bottom line of poly is that poly people deal honestly with their reactions to this inevitable sharing, and don't sneak around in their romantic attachments (or at least ideally they don't), and in a good poly relationship the various partners in the relationship are all made to feel valued and special, even though they recognize they are sharing.
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  #140  
Old 12-05-2010, 03:11 AM
carl carl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Athena View Post
Hi Carl,

The bottom line of poly is that poly people deal honestly with their reactions to this inevitable sharing, and don't sneak around in their romantic attachments (or at least ideally they don't), and in a good poly relationship the various partners in the relationship are all made to feel valued and special, even though they recognize they are sharing.
The poly situation is a new one, and actually when I read vodkafan's account of his facebook experience, I was immediately reminded of my own. The concept of all made to feel "valued and special" gets lost to the extreme when couples are in the middle of NRE, and being very public about it in online spaces, before the situation is able to just settle down for a bit.

I'm sure if my wife happens upon this post, she might figure out it's me, and that's ok (carl isn't my real name, but I am a very real person behind this pain).

I've frequently, well, how shall I say this. Frequently, my mantra in life has been "perspectives are everything".

How does one navigate around different perspectives, different experiences and knowledge around poly? How does a former monogamous couple navigate around "respect", "honesty" and "openness" and "tolerance" when all these things are questioned, argued over...

I'm not 'new' to poly, but it's new at the same time. I have been exposed by way of friends and community and some past poor experiences around poly that it leaves a very sour taste in my mouth to be honest.

The only thing that keeps me going right now, is that I love my wife, and want to see this through without too much hardship. It's very difficult when I'm feeling like I'm expected to follow along and grow into this at *her* speed, not mine, or ideally, some "compromising" speed.

like vodkafan (if I may), poly has consumed my life, especially because all 3 of us are new to this. In a very real sense, I have more of the language, the definitions, and the concepts of poly than my wife and her new partner. I've experienced a lot of the same pitfalls that my wife already knows about my past, and sadly, she is repeating almost every last issue I've ever had about poly in my past.

The ONLY difference, is that I believe she loves me like no one else ever has, and we have some sense of good will collected over the years we've been together.

My issues apart from acceptance are crystal clear in my head: time commitments, speed at which this is taken, respect (or currently lack thereof) from the other partner, and the commitment to grow into this for longevity. I understand NRE, I understand the power of the energy around that, but if I'm to get past the hurt, the originating betrayal, and the fact that my time that was already limited is now even more limited, there should be a lot more give and take than what I believe I'm getting.

Again, perspectives are everything.

I've made a lot of mistakes during this transition which I'm more than willing to admit to, and have. When my own personal boundaries have been pushed and challenged, I've unfortunately pushed back, and pushed back hard. It's not sustainable of course and I recognize that. What I wish my wife would understand is that the bulk of my 'anger' is more about hurt, shame and pride than anything else.

Thanks for reading.
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