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  #11  
Old 11-09-2010, 03:16 AM
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Hey all thanks for your replies. It's all a big journey and i hate to try to guess the ending (except we all die, lol spoiler alert) I promise I am thinking about what everyone's said... I tend to be dishonest with myself more than anything else... a HUGE flaw when trying to be polyamorous. I see that I have a lot of work to do on just facing the things that I am and that I tend to do emotionally. For starters, I imagined when we first got married and said "monogamous til further notice" that "further notice" would mean one of us would go for a same-sex partner (as bisexuals do sometimes!). Then i accepted THAT concept of polyamory and didn't think any further about it. I didn't think of my problems with gender and fitting into female-ness. Didn't think of my formative experiences getting rejected by guys because of being too average looking with small boobs. I was like "oh cool, he'll suck dick and maybe I can watch? Polyamory sounds GREAT!" - to be continued -
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  #12  
Old 11-09-2010, 03:50 AM
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And it's that type of intellectual laziness that causes a lot of emotional problems for me in the past. A slacker style of not thinking things quite through so that it seems as though you've thought about it a good bit and can convince yourself you've thought it through. I get thoughts to a certain point and then say, "well that's enough, i think" even when I'm not even finished or when the lack of conclusion will inevitably lead me into even deeper anxiety-provoking territory. And I'm a "smart" person!! Maybe it's not so much laziness as it is a type of self-delusion like I was talking about, not really getting to the "heart of the matter" in my thinking. I'm going to start back in therapy again, seems like a good idea with all the confusion and feeling triggered. Just starting to think about things feels like the right thing to do. Instead of skimming over my wants, needs, thoughts feelings and etc. perhaps spending some time in introspection would assist. I do look to the outside so much for help in processing things and if I know myself correctly, I probably take it to an extreme.
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  #13  
Old 11-09-2010, 02:07 PM
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Quote:
I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share
This is a beautiful point and I so appreciate your thoughts...... but I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for. It was a reason I felt blindsided or whatever you want to call it...

Thanks for your thoughts.
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  #14  
Old 11-09-2010, 03:55 PM
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Now I know everyone does poly differently, but I tend to enjoy the idea that 'we're all in this together" - yes, each individual has his or her own relationships, and areas of privacy, but if there's an issue out there that is disturbing the relationship dynamic, I find it useful to take it on board as a shared issue and work together on what solution may work.
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  #15  
Old 11-10-2010, 02:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Krazykitty View Post
This is a beautiful point and I so appreciate your thoughts...... but I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for. It was a reason I felt blindsided or whatever you want to call it...

Thanks for your thoughts.
I'm new to this, but I believe others will agree that's an issue for both of you. And if HE just wants it for him and TRULY nor for both of you AND the other person(s) in the relationship to be, then you ALL have a problem until you all get that insecurity and "what I want" mentality sorted out.
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  #16  
Old 11-11-2010, 04:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Krazykitty View Post
. . . I don't think my darling believes that it can/should be dealt with as a couple because he sees it (insecurity/feeling ugly) as "my" issue. This is part of how the intro to poly went for me, it was never a couple discussion of how things would go but him saying "this is what I want". It seems like a marker of our relationship that I feel that emotional "stuff" is more collective and he sees it as "stuff" we individually own and are responsible for.
It's true that no one can figure your issues or feelings out for you, but I wouldn't think it's too much to ask for some support while you do. Your feelings, no matter how irrational they seem to him, should not be dismissed. What are the one or two things you would like for him to do differently that would really make a difference? As redpepper said earlier in this thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down that road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?
It doesn't mean he has to hold your hand every time you feel sensitive about something (or it might!), but it could mean he needs to make an adjustment somewhere. Maybe your husband is not aware of something he does or doesn't do that exacerbates your own insecurities, and you just need to ask for something to change. My husband used to tease me relentlessly about blunders I'd made, just like his father used to tease his mother. I had to break him of that habit -- he never realized how much it bothered me until I told him.

In your 1st post, you said he won't even discuss it with you anymore. I would find that incredibly frustrating. Maybe all you need to do is ask him to listen to what you have to say, and to try to do so without judging you. You sound like, to me, you just want him to hear you, not necessarily "fix" you. Maybe he thinks there isn't anything he can say or do to get you through it, so he shuts you out. Really listening to you and letting in what you're saying might be all he need do, for you to feel he is there for you. It might make the issues with which you are struggling feel less daunting (and maybe he'll gain some insight into his shit, too). It's hard to feel like you've got all this work to do on yourself while you're out there dangling on your own.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-11-2010 at 06:01 AM. Reason: clarification
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  #17  
Old 12-04-2010, 12:26 AM
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Update, reviving this thread. Thanks for your replies and thoughts, everyone. I was so confused before. One more try at talking this out, and it turned out WAY clearer than i'd anticipated! My husband and I had a LONG talk today and I found out:

1) He's thought we were polyamorous our entire marriage but we just hadn't found anyone yet, and weren't mentioning it because we were having so much fun together. When I asked "are we monogamous until further notice?" and he said yes he actually meant in his mind, we were philosophically polyamorous (as we both believed and agreed polyamory was the right path when we got married). I'd originally thoguht "monogamous until further notice" meant just that - we were monogamous and when one or both felt like changing to poly we would talk about it. NOW it all makes way more sense to me... for whatever silly reason. Changing from monogamy to polyamory because of a single other person really hurt my feelings but now that I know that wasn't his intention it feels WAY less painful. (I've also been working on my self esteem and other issues)
2) He still considers us to be polyamorous, but was saying "We're monogamous" to not hurt me any further, since he'd decided that sex with the other person wasn't worth hurting me.
3) He believes in my freedom and thinks I should have other partners if I want (ideally after we talk and he meets the person).
4) He doesn't really think rules or restrictions are ok in a polyamorous situation except for the "ideally..." part above.

Well now I feel a humongous sense of relief. The forced monogamy thing never felt real or right and now I know he was doing/saying those things because he didn't want to hurt me any more (just like Cieldumatin said). It makes sense, makes me feel safer and loved unlike the confusion of thinking he'd changed his mind just -like - that.

Now I know we have a long way to go... he has to be ok with being honest with me and not afraid of me "flipping out", and I have to not flip out and trust the living heck out of him. And be honestetc

-to be continued hopefully
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  #18  
Old 12-04-2010, 05:53 PM
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Krazykitty,
My wife and I are poly....And my wife feels that the women I am attracted to are very attractive, while she (my wife) views herself as not as attractive. Which by the way, my wife is absolutely GORGIOUS!

Anyway, we are both dating the same woman. (I call her V on here, and my wife is L) I try not to compare the two....EVER. Bad carma doing that sort of thing. LOL But...we have bouts where I have no desire to go any further within the relationship with V. I currently have no real desire to have sex with V. Not that I'm not atteracted to her....No....I just like the relationship where it's at. We hold hands, hang out, and occasionally kiss. Thats it. Nothing more...No idea WHY I have no desire to go further with it yet....but....it may happen some day. and if it never does....It won't be the end of the world, as I am more interested in the relationship. V and I are very similar, and L and I have grown up into adulthood together, so we are SUPER close. We have to be a part of each others everything. (Amazing after 20 years huh?)

When you find the right person for your relationship, you will find that it's not just about the sex....It's all about the love.
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