Rules and boundaries

[whatamIdoing]

I think what I'm still struggling with is the concept that other people have that much impact on our couple rules. I know that sounds horrible and unfair but I think that's where I am and honesty is a big part of me... so I have to be honest here... I never considered how other people would be able to impact on our rules and boundaries for THEIR comfort level... so complex here...

[redpepper]

Well, there is much more merging in poly than swinging (I started a thread on merging once, I wonder if that would help). The emotional component is a much larger and important component than sex. The depth and connection is perhaps more as a result, I don't know. Swinging doesn't involve love; in fact saying "I love you" is quite often a firm rule. In poly love comes first. Its not a friendship with sex on the side, its a romance, a love affair. Its partnership. Much different.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Well, there is much more merging in poly than swinging (I started a thread on merging once, I wonder if that would help). The emotional component is a much larger and important component than sex. The depth and connection is perhaps more as a result, I don't know. Swinging doesn't involve love; in fact saying "I love you" is quite often a firm rule. In poly love comes first. Its not a friendship with sex on the side, its a romance, a love affair. Its partnership. Much different.

I think the thread on merging would be good I will go try to find it.

its the emotional component that's wrecking my husband. His stability and his comfort is sorely challenged at this point.

Again, what has led me here is that I have started to have feelings for J... feelings that I did not expect... feelings that I am not sure of what they are or where they are going.... and I don't know how to deal with that...

our rules are now having to change. we never had to have the "I love you" rule... we never had to have the "no overnights" rule... none of those things were ever issues...

everything is so UNSETTLED right now... and all I keep hearing is
"rules are made to be broken"

emotions are running high in all aspects of our lives right now...

[redpepper]

Its great you are doing so much work. Trying to remember there is no rush might help. Get used to each step before moving forward, there is lots of time and adjusting will make things a lot more comfortable I think.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Its great you are doing so much work. Trying to remember there is no rush might help. Get used to each step before moving forward, there is lots of time and adjusting will make things a lot more comfortable I think.

and that my dear redpepper is one of the best things i've heard. I guess I do tend to rush things... slowly every so slowly...

I did find your thread on merging... and it did help! you are very very kind and helpful and I truly appreciate it.