This could be fun.... need question ideas

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by FlameKat

Sounds to me like you need to put your foot down with where you want this relationship to be... and how its going to go ahead...

Is it still NSA for you? Or do you love this guy now? Either way you need to be clear on the boundaries that YOU are comfortable with... not just by reference to B, what makes you comfortable?

and there dear FlameKat is the rub... I DO NOT KNOW... I do not love him. I LIKE HIM... A LOT...

I'm not sure what boundaries to set or what boundaries i need to set or how to figure this all out...

I know that I LIKE that he's 2 hours away.... it gives some structure to what is currently structureless...

[FlameKat]

bigtime squeezy hugs...

perhaps some boundaries where you have the option to explore the emotional side of things...

B might be red flagging because he can sense that its not just NSA anymore... He feels threatened and - as you are not sure yourself what is going on - he has every right to... Sort things out with B, be as honest as you can - then be more honest (trust me I am in this spot myself right now and damn is it painful)... If things with J are meant to be... he'll be there when you and B are sorted (not suggesting you stop contact - but) very firm boundaries for now - give a time period if you need - but B needs you to put him first for a bit, and he needs you to know what you're doing, and so do you...

J might not care what B is feeling but, he should care what you are feeling and its not ok for him to ignore the stress he is putting you through... tell him to give you time/space whatever you need to sort things out with B... if he ignores your need to do that... I doubt he is going to understand that B will always be there, and will always be a priority in your mind...

I think that makes sense... :P

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by FlameKat

bigtime squeezy hugs...

perhaps some boundaries where you have the option to explore the emotional side of things...

not sure how to explore this alone to be honest. I know B and I are talking and trying to figure it out... but what about J... does he have a right to be part of this learning process???

Originally Posted by FlameKat

B might be red flagging because he can sense that its not just NSA anymore... He feels threatened and - as you are not sure yourself what is going on - he has every right to... Sort things out with B, be as honest as you can - then be more honest (trust me I am in this spot myself right now and damn is it painful)...

yeah that's it. BINGO! sadly you WIN the prize... <insert nervous laugh here> I was the one who brought up to B that it seemed to be changing from NSA to something more like a relationship and that I really didn't know where it was going but i needed to find out... I did assure him that i would never leave him for J. (and that I know for a fact is a hard and fast feeling that will not change)

But I do need to play this out for multiple reasons. B swears it's J that he does not like, not the idea of my having another man in my life... but since this is the first time I've done this, I sort of think it's more than that... and B to his credit is letting me run with this and desperately trying to trust my judgment.

Originally Posted by FlameKat

If things with J are meant to be... he'll be there when you and B are sorted (not suggesting you stop contact - but) very firm boundaries for now - give a time period if you need - but B needs you to put him first for a bit, and he needs you to know what you're doing, and so do you...

thankfully we have the entire month of December as a natural boundary... we have no contact planned till 1/8/11....

I really sadly don't see me figuring this out till after that however...

Originally Posted by FlameKat

J might not care what B is feeling but, he should care what you are feeling and its not ok for him to ignore the stress he is putting you through...

I think he does care to some extent.. I think his comment might have been more along the thought of "i don't care what B feels about me since I'm not having a relationship with him I'm having one with you".... that was what I got from it... Basically "yeah B exists and he's your husband but he's not MY husband and not my boyfriend and therefore his feelings do not impact my feelings..." BUT THEY DO... because if HE feels bad and he needs me to stop with you... dude I will do that... how's THAT for impact????

When B in our last big talk said.. "choose...I know who you'll choose" and I said "ok I choose you... now we are done with the lifestyle and this whole mess" and I meant it I would have totally walked away from all of it... and B said "no that's not what I want I just don't want you with HIM".... deep sigh...

Originally Posted by FlameKat

tell him to give you time/space whatever you need to sort things out with B... if he ignores your need to do that... I doubt he is going to understand that B will always be there, and will always be a priority in your mind...

he gives me plenty of time and space... truly... without my even asking... it's part of what makes him so perfect for what I need in my life... he's busy he has his own life... he does not NEED me.... it's good... and totally opposite of B... HE NEEDS me....

Originally Posted by FlameKat

I think that makes sense... :P

it does and your HELPING A LOT!

thanks

[FlameKat]

Glad to know I am helping... in a lot of ways we are in the same situation - except I am at the point where I no longer am able to have any communication with T, and K feels the way B does (except K is not letting me run with it - he has baggage and I am trying to be sooooo respectful, but its such a hard slog and I feel as though I am compromising myself and my integrity by not running with it - at least to the extent of exploring openly with T where those feelings go...)

I get the impression that K and T were much closer friends (than B and J) as it was T who broke off communication with us, ironically to protect our (mine and K's) relationship... hopefully we will start moving forward soon.

Anyway, lots of talking is key - I didn't talk enough and I didn't face myself soon enough... whether or not it is repairable is something I long to find out.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by FlameKat

Glad to know I am helping... in a lot of ways we are in the same situation - except I am at the point where I no longer am able to have any communication with T, and K feels the way B does (except K is not letting me run with it - he has baggage and I am trying to be sooooo respectful, but its such a hard slog and I feel as though I am compromising myself and my integrity by not running with it - at least to the extent of exploring openly with T where those feelings go...)

I get the impression that K and T were much closer friends (than B and J) as it was T who broke off communication with us, ironically to protect our (mine and K's) relationship... hopefully we will start moving forward soon.

Anyway, lots of talking is key - I didn't talk enough and I didn't face myself soon enough... whether or not it is repairable is something I long to find out.

hugs to you my friend...
I think B feels he has no choice but to let me run....

B and J knew each other but very very very casually... not friends just from the gaming circles as most of our crowd knows J....

[FlameKat]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

not sure how to explore this alone to be honest. I know B and I are talking and trying to figure it out... but what about J... does he have a right to be part of this learning process???

Unfortunately for B - I think the only way of really finding out about your emotions and how you feel is for J to be a part of the process - he is triggering the feelings and confusion... you can't really truly get down into that part of you without that input...

At least - I can't... I would have gone on quite happily thinking I was mono if T hadn't come along and stirred up all sorts of feelings in me (K likes to say it was exactly the same as when I met him - I got involved helping him sort out some emotional stuff and fell hard... and did the same with T... thats fine and quite spot on but... I have helped others just as deeply and passionately and I haven't fallen for them....) losing T, pinpointed exactly how I felt... made it hard to hide it from myself or K... actually K had it figured out long before I did... but because I didn't want to recognise it and hid it from myself, and therefore believed that I just loved him (T) as close family... K was more than happy to let it go... big mistake.

Anyway, long story short - do the hard work and really look hard at what J brings out in you... be honest about it... if it's love then you will know, if its not love but something close, you will figure that out too... push yourself to really know yourself and then be honest about it...

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by FlameKat

Unfortunately for B - I think the only way of really finding out about your emotions and how you feel is for J to be a part of the process - he is triggering the feelings and confusion... you can't really truly get down into that part of you without that input...

At least - I can't... I would have gone on quite happily thinking I was mono if T hadn't come along and stirred up all sorts of feelings in me (K likes to say it was exactly the same as when I met him - I got involved helping him sort out some emotional stuff and fell hard... and did the same with T... thats fine and quite spot on but... I have helped others just as deeply and passionately and I haven't fallen for them....) losing T, pinpointed exactly how I felt... made it hard to hide it from myself or K... actually K had it figured out long before I did... but because I didn't want to recognise it and hid it from myself, and therefore believed that I just loved him (T) as close family... K was more than happy to let it go... big mistake.

Anyway, long story short - do the hard work and really look hard at what J brings out in you... be honest about it... if it's love then you will know, if its not love but something close, you will figure that out too... push yourself to really know yourself and then be honest about it...

we really are so much alike.

B says that my eyes light up when I talk about J.... and i don't see that. I know I have a severe case of NRE... but my eyes light up?

he says he wants my eyes to light up when I think of him... they do.. he just can't see it any more....

I'm not sure I would "let myself" love J.... (knowing that we can choose what we do but we can't choose how we feel)....

[FlameKat]

I have to admit that if I let it - I would be in major NRE about T... even without any communication - hows that for completely sad and insane... especially as he had never been clear on his feelings for me...

One of the problems that K has with T, is how I react to them - says that when I was talking with T, T would get the 'happy me' giggles and games... when he (K) was talking to me (same day, even same hour), he would get the serious, hurting me...

I explain that we are through our honeymoon period - that we were at the time dealing with some pretty f**king huge stresses in our life - major custody case (I was representing myself) which included relocation laws etc... T knew of all of this and would redirect my attention to fun stuff to cheer me up (after all I had spent a year cheering him up :P), whereas when I had time with K I HAD to work on the legal work, I had to deal with stresses - otherwise I would have gone bananas... I trusted K to see the hurt and pain in full view, I didn't have to squash it down...

Maybe I stuffed it up a bit and put too much fun on T and too much serious on K - I should have split it up more evenly... bad judgement on my part... I did a lot wrong :P

Mum says I do everything the hard way...

[whatamIdoing]

oh i can go a week without any contact from J and I'm like 16 all over again... I just don't doodle his name on my notebook... B is my heart and my soul and yet he has such low self esteem it's hard to get him to see that... but yeah we deal with the money problems and the kid problems (mine are grown but my oldest at 26 is in a group home for emotionally disturbed adults while his 18 yr old daughter's boyfriend has moved in with us)... so i get the UGLIES from Marriage and J offers me FUN and GAMES and flirtation... and joy... I look at B and I WANT HIM and I LOVE HIM and I feel a slow burning warmth that will never die... I look at J (well his mind at least) and I'm on freaking FIRE.... yeah see that's part of the issue J was not a physical thing... he's NOT my type and I'm not his.... ours is pure brain chemistry...

[FlameKat]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

J was not a physical thing... he's NOT my type and I'm not his.... ours is pure brain chemistry...

Mindmelt
Soulmelt

thats what I feel... for both of them... physical touch is how I express love, when I can't express physically I go all.... gooey and supportive... given that both T and K are LDR's for me (They live in same town and I am on other side of bloody world - visit once a year) they get the mind melt a whole lot more than anything else and for me and T we have met in person twice... thats it... in K's company and that was last year. K pushed for us to start talking before that... he and T were best friends, and I was his girl... what a mess.