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  #501  
Old 11-30-2010, 12:41 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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I totally agree with Mohegan. Sucks the dream presented itself again but it's great to be able to wake up and face your current reality!

I actually have the opposite issue...I have been experiencing a blockage of dream memory for about two years now. I used to recall most of my dreams throughout the night and use them as insight into my life (I have some intuitive/holistic friends who decipher and read dreams through my aura/energy). I have attempted to cleanse myself in various ways to reconnect not only with my dreams but, also, with my creativity. I have broken some seals but I can feel I have not done so completely. I'm still working on it.

Here's to a great night of dreaming about positive and pleasurable sensations (wet bed optional).
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  #502  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:45 PM
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thanks for the support Mohegan and Eklctc... maybe are rest easy and have beautiful dreams
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  #503  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:48 PM
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Default compromise, boundaries and rules...

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately and writing about it too so I thought I would copy and paste my thoughts from another thread on how I describe the following; compromise, boundaries, and rules. I find that often people don't speak the same language around these things and for me, to have something to use as a guide has been very helpful. One can use it to ask, "where are we at?" and if they aren't at the same place as their partner (s) then everyone can get on the same page by using this... it's worked for me and I wanted to make sure I have it written down.
...........................................
Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.
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  #504  
Old 11-30-2010, 08:21 PM
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Last night we went for dinner with another tribe that has a female at the hinge and two men as the arms... among others. We talked of family, child rearing, the court case that is going on in the BC supreme court, as she is the number one witness for it in terms of polyamory... It was a great meal out and it was really great getting to know her men. I see her at the women's group I run and know her fairly well, but have not had the pleasure of getting to know her men... all very interesting and comfortable. I was really happy to have an opportunity to feel as if I "fit" somehow, I belong. Quite often I don't and feel like an oddity in my own community, as much as I love them. I hope we can do it again sometime .
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  #505  
Old 11-30-2010, 08:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I hope we can do it again sometime .
I bet we do
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  #506  
Old 11-30-2010, 08:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I hope we can do it again sometime .
Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I bet we do
And taken out of context this sounds like something completely different than dinner with another family!

I'm glad you all had a good evening though and that you're finding a place where you do belong in the community.
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  #507  
Old 12-02-2010, 08:08 AM
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I was asked recently how it's going in our house and for some details... so I thought I would sit and write a bit about what our routine used to be and what has changed since Mono moved in.

We used to spend larger chunks of time together and I was most definitely leading a separate life when I went to my OH. Now that has changed a bit in that we are more merged together and although we likely spend more time together, he and I and all other configurations also, the time is not as much quality. I miss that. When I went to my OH it was all about me and Mono doted on me hand and foot because he missed me and I wasn't around for large chunks of time. Granted, we were in our NRE, but really, now I don't get the same type of attention.

Geez! It sounds like I am complaining. I'm not, it's just different. Now I do something in my room and then come out and we talk a bit. Then I make tea while Mono does something on the computer and we will snuggle on the couch for a bit before I get up to have a shower... that is kind of how our time goes... before we spent ever second together and forgoed the computer or shower in order to be by each others side every second. We did those things together more.

Now I hear the rest of my family up stairs and although it doesn't interrupt our time together in any way that is private, I know they are there and they are in my mind. Before I would not give them thought after having been at the OH for couple of hours. When I first started going to the OH I thought about them; only because I didn't trust that everything was okay. I asked myself; can PN handle my being absent, is really okay with me not being there, what if something happens. Gradually I began to trust that it was fine and that he would call or tell me in person if there were issues. I got mad at him several times for not calling in emergencies, but he handles everything just fine and in his own way. I had to give up trying to control things by making sure he did stuff my way... now that I hear them upstairs I realize how little they were impacted compared to my fear... life went on as usual and I was the one that was changing and experiencing, not them. PN experienced loneliness at first and LB adjusted to the change of my being gone at times, but that ended at some point. To them it was like I had a different job that meant I worked shifts. To me, my whole take on reality changed.

Mono doesn't eat with us as much, but will come up for a chat and a check in before LB goes to bed more often. He talks to PN far more often and the two of them have plans now, where as they didn't really before... they are painting PN's room on the Christmas vacation for example. I think the two of them are more settled with each other now.

My relationship with PN has gotten better and closer on a daily basis and in an over all way. We were having huge roller coasters of emotions before where he felt disconnected and I didn't get why. He hasn't mentioned that once since Mono has moved in. He is over all happier... it's hard to say if that is because of the change in our living situation, or other things in life.

LB is loving Mono more than ever and is definitely the one gaining the most from this new situation. He has a buddy at all times and Mono has been a HUGE help so far in helping us raise him... picking him up in a snow storm in my dad's new vehicle, looking after him when we are sick, giving him some time everyday has helped them bond and connect. LB is in heaven. He adores Mono more everyday. Mono has been a huge positive influence in his life. It's most definitely been the biggest plus in our poly life. Mostly because Mono rose to the occasion and took on the responsibility of including him in our dynamic, rather than trying to avoid him and not give him the respect that he deserves as much as we all do.

So, all in all, the adjustment for me has been bitter sweet. I miss my OH being more private, I love my room and the closeness of my family, I miss our long bits of time together, but I love the good night kisses at the door... I am going to get me one right now actually its all good really, just a change. Living together or not has it's pluses and minuses which ever way you look at it.
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  #508  
Old 12-02-2010, 04:46 PM
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There is a bitter sweetness to being closer for sure. I love having family so close and actually feeling like I can put effort into a place and know it will not be waisted.

My relationship with PN has become very relaxed and enjoyable and getting to help with LB is like having a second chance in raising a child but with the experience of already having a 17 year old. I'm there to help when asked in his case.

Our relationship is not so rushed anymore which may make it sem less urgent to spend time together. Like well fead animals we don't rush to the food bowl to gobble everything up because we know there is always more. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate it though.

Our private time is not as private but I am happy in what we have. Seeing you not struggle with being so far from your family is worth it for me

All in all I feel very good about our move. I'm a little disapointed that it is not everything you wish it could be but I think the trade off has been to our benefit. I sometimes think about our situation from an old perspective and wonder what we are doing and how it can last but those moments are fleeting and I slip back into just how much I love you. I am overjoyed at PN getting happier and more connected to you though

Life's pretty good for me
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  #509  
Old 12-04-2010, 06:02 AM
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PN is out for his first men's group tonight. They are calling it the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (LXG). Which I think is hilarious. They are all out at a local pub telling their stories and coming up with their version of what poly foundations they have. So awesome and I'm so glad they finally got going.

I run the women's group here. Or "A" women's group anyways.. I know there could be others. I find it fascinating how they are conducting their group and really enjoy talking to the facilitator about his experience thus far. There are so many similarities in that they had some complaints about the terminology and how they identify as "men" and what the mandate is.

In the mean time Mono and I are sitting here getting drunk on martini's (dirty and wet) and up grading our phones and looking for an alternative to "limewire".... heh such geeks. Well, Mono is, I'm foruming,,,, obviously.

This weekend brings; tree decorating at PN's mum's, going to a DJ show tomorrow night (Basenector) and then the women's group Sunday.... 20 women is the expectation! Geezuz! Then I celebrate my birthday with the family.... 41 and getting younger and happier every year My actual birthday is on the 7th though.
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  #510  
Old 12-04-2010, 12:23 PM
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YAY for PN!

My birthday's the 14th! Happy birthday to us! WOOT!
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