Reasonable Boundaries

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Some of us need to talk about something in order to get to the why of it and sometimes we also need the feedback of another to get there. It drives me crazy when my husband doesn't say anything, because he is still "thinking" about it, to me his is just ignoring me.

The difference is that you probably ask if something is bothering him. I'm talking about doing some thinking before talking or talk to him/her and ask for help getting to the bottom before posing unrealistic boundaries

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I just have to correct this statement....I could stand on a chair and not be as tall as you...you're a bit more than "full grown"

haha...Touche...

[TL4everu2]

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set...ever...for anyone". If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.

My wife and I have boundries set, so that we have certain actions which are reserved for just each other. It's our little way to let each other know that we are still attached. Now, my gf, V, and I don't have anything that is just ours yet....Maybe someday, when we get further into our relationship, we will. But I'm not going to put the cart in front of the horse on that one.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by TL4everu2

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set...ever...for anyone". If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships. .

That makes no sense. At its root poly is simply loving more than one. Being open doesn't do that by itself. Everything around poly that is anything beyond loving more than one is a construct created by people involved.

I am not saying there shouldn't be boundaries. But the boundaries should be reasonably fair. My point still works as I can see it from that side of the coin. I don't usually build relationships as nice slow simmering love buckets of friendship. It worked amazingly well with SJ, but that is a unique experience in my world. Hell I even met my wife as a "quickie"...

My wife and I started with boundaries...lots of them. As we progressed we dropped those boundaries, renegotiated and replaced. I am a fan of them, as long as they aren't hard and fast and they are fair.

Forcing someone to be someone they aren't for the sake of comfort just feels wrong to me (it would be like my wife forcing me to stop having female friends, it wouldn't happen, ever). She is describing a fundamental difference in how the socialize.

Thats my 2 cents anyways.

[neohio44122]

Originally Posted by TL4everu2

Pshhh...I keep hearing people who say "No boundries should be set...ever...for anyone". If this is the case, then why get married in the first place? You would be much better served by being single and being in open relationships.

I don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship; it’s unique and different from my relationship with my wife. I do not tell my wife what she can and can't do with her BF, I do not interfere with their relationship. That wouldn't be fair to the two of them. He and I hang out sometimes; all three of us went to a dueling piano bar this weekend.

Putting restrictions on sex is not fair to the third person in the relationship or your spouse. Would you date somebody if you couldn’t kiss them, do it doggie style ect..?

I don't let my insecurities get in the way of their relationship. I knew she was poly when I married her, her relationships last for years (she only has one BF at a time). I try very hard to welcome her BF into our lives. In 21 years of marriage she has had 6 bf's, the longest lasted 8 years.

[TL4everu2]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

I am a fan of them, as long as they aren't hard and fast and they are fair.

I agree to this Ari. My wife and I have had boundries set in place for a long time....however, as we have matured, a LOT of them have fallen by the way side.

Originally Posted by neohio44122

I don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship; it’s unique and different from my relationship with my wife. I do not tell my wife what she can and can't do with her BF, I do not interfere with their relationship. That wouldn't be fair to the two of them. He and I hang out sometimes; all three of us went to a dueling piano bar this weekend.

Putting restrictions on sex is not fair to the third person in the relationship or your spouse. Would you date somebody if you couldn’t kiss them, do it doggie style ect..?

I don't let my insecurities get in the way of their relationship. I knew she was poly when I married her, her relationships last for years (she only has one BF at a time). I try very hard to welcome her BF into our lives. In 21 years of marriage she has had 6 bf's, the longest lasted 8 years.

To answer one of your questions, I am currently dating someone that I can't kiss passionately yet. I have no desires to do so yet, but....my wife isn't comfortable with me doing that yet either. HOWEVER....I asked her if she would be OPEN to the idea. Maybe not this week...Maybe not this month....Hell, maybe not in SIX months...but as long as she's OPEN to the idea, I'm good and OK. Our GF is ok with us having restrictions, and understands them.

One of our boundaries is that I don't take our GF on the motorcycle. The reason? Because it is something special that my wife and I do together to be closer. Now, V and I will find things that we like to do together....as will her and my wife L.

I totally understand and SUPPORT boundaries within poly relationships. But as Ari said, they should be fluid and be able to be re-negotiated at future dates.

[neohio44122]

Originally Posted by TL4everu2

I totally understand and SUPPORT boundaries within poly relationships. But as

I support boundaries that my wife sets for herself. I don't see how people can have a real relationship with restrictions, but to each their own. As long as her BF treats her right and makes her happy, I'm fine with what ever they do. I do think no kissing is a little silly. You can have sex but no kissing.

Now the boundaries my wife set for her self is different with me and her BF. She like anal, she will do that with her current BF but not me (I'm much larger than him). That doesn't bother me, that’s something special she does with him.

[FitChick]

I guess it comes down to the individual couple,I like boundaries but my bf is a little more fluid,but he does tell me when he has a date and things might occur,and he normally asks me how I feel.
For me some people are more 'safe' than others and this is something I have to come to terms with especially when the other person wants a relationship with my bf but doesn't want to meet me..that inherently arouses my suspicions.

[Penny]

I think the fact that you are unsure that this boundary would even make you feel better makes it a bit arbitrary and not reasonable. You should be cautious about asking your partner to make major alterations in his style of sex and intimacy.

You are basically asking him to behave in a way that is unnatural to him. Certainly it is impossible to avoid doing this sometimes, being civilized often requires us to act in ways that go against our raw impulses.

What is it about casual sex that bothers you? Is it possible that you are simply stalling, hoping that the sex will never happen at all?

You aren't totally comfortable with poly, and that's perfectly understandable. I don't think these boundaries will help with that. You need to figure it out a bit more, IMO, before looking to apply cures.

[TL4everu2]

Originally Posted by FitChick

I guess it comes down to the individual couple,I like boundaries but my bf is a little more fluid,but he does tell me when he has a date and things might occur,and he normally asks me how I feel.
For me some people are more 'safe' than others and this is something I have to come to terms with especially when the other person wants a relationship with my bf but doesn't want to meet me..that inherently arouses my suspicions.

Yes, this is true. My wife feels WAY more at ease with some women, and less with others. We dated a couple once before for almost 3 years. Toward the end of our relationship with them, my wife was so comfortable with the female that she said she didn't care if I went out on dates with her, and even played alone with her. THAT was a surprise to me....as that was always a rule to NEVER be broken. I did go on A date with her alone, but I never played alone, but it was nice to know that I had the option to do it.

The new woman that we are dating now, my wife was concerned about in the beginning. Now, not as much. The reason: We've been dating her for a couple weeks now, and no attempts to have sex have been made by anyone. We had a conversation one night with V about this. We (I) explained to her that we wanted a VERY long term relationship with someone. And we weren't just looking to go to bed with them. She said she was looking for the same thing this time. We have all three matured beyond just casual sex, and are all three looking for something more....real. Thats not the right word for what I'm meaning, but I can't find the right word right now. Suggestions? Maybe "depth/deep"?

This new woman for us, knows our boundaries, and respects them. She also knows that the longer we are all three together, these boundaries may fall by the wayside and be abolished....at least with her.