The Downside of Poly: Article in Psychology Today

[Kat]

To MonoVCPHG - It is because of people like you that I can find some comfort here. Thank you!

I love my bf more than words can express and he may love me more! Although poly is new to me, I do not (yet?) feel jealous, unloved, not special, replaced, or unwanted. I do, however, feel like I’m in hiding. That being said, I would not trade my poly man for anyone. He is smart, funny, kind, considerate, thoughtful, good looking, and sexy. I want him to know that although I would not choose a poly life for me, I am more than happy to allow him the freedom to have a poly life for himself. Everyone has different needs and wants in life. I am sure that if I were truly unhappy with him living poly he would try extra hard to be mono with me. But I won’t ask that of him because I know that he would feel unhappy and unfulfilled. I get what I need and want from our relationship, and that’s what matters to me. Our happiness is paramount and this is what we need to both be happy.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Kat

I get what I need and want from our relationship, and that’s what matters to me. Our happiness is paramount and this is what we need to both be happy.

You're welcome.

[Ariakas]

Decent article. She points out some great points.

[River]

Here, I'm responding to the entire post which begins with...:

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly

A lot of these problems, as she admits, are actually problems with the social machinery of enforced monogamy. ....

First, let me admit that I read this post before reading the article, which I shall do momentarily.

I emphatically agree with all points! Well said!

Now, let me read the article. I'll let y'all know if it changes my mind.

[River]

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly

Yeah... maybe it got away from me a little there.

Well, when I said I agreed with all points, I meant the substantive ones. And, yes, there do appear to be exceptions to the ... not rule, but general human tendency (especially common among men!).

======== EDIT ============

Okay, now I've read the article. I remain in agreement with Ready2Fly's salient points.

[Ready2Fly]

Originally Posted by River

Well, when I said I agreed with all points, I meant the substantive ones. And, yes, there do appear to be exceptions to the ... not rule, but general human tendency (especially common among men!).

======== EDIT ============

Okay, now I've read the article. I remain in agreement with Ready2Fly's salient points.

Yay! I did overstep a little in saying that poly tendencies were present in absolutely everyone; I specifically remember a National Geographic article recently about a tribe of hunter-gatherers in which the sexual relationships were fluid and varied continuously, except for this one couple who had been monogamously pair-bonded for 30 years or so. So to each their own.

Perhaps some of those folks are right here in this thread (hi! ), but I suspect that most people who identify as monogamous in western culture identify that way due to cultural rather than biological influence. Not that it really matters that much.

Kat, I hope that you're not feeling these feelings of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment yourself that you're trying to save your guy from. Hopefully no one ever has to feel those things and you find happiness with your mono/poly choices.

[Kat]

Ready2Fly,
This is all still so very new for me (us?). It’s been 19 days since bf’s announcement to me. I’m not sure how I feel exactly. I am trying extra hard to be “ok” with our new poly arrangement. So far nothing feels different. I meet new gf once. We’ve talked on the phone. She’s poly, like bf, and is looking for a non-primary relationship. I like her a lot. She’s “good people”.

[redpepper]

Kat, I do hope you read the plethera of really good threads and post that other mono's like you have written before you... do a search and look for "mono/poly" and "mono poly" to see what there is, I have been tagging them that way for quite a while now.

Mono rocks! no doubt about it

[Kat]

Redpepper – You are super awesome! Thanks for the suggestion. I have already been all over ever thread I could find looking for monos and have found tons of great reads.

I’m desperately hoping to find a local "mono in a poly" friend to hang with. My new online buddies are great and I love y’all much, but I am aching for a face-to-face friend to go through this new chapter in my life with.

[redpepper]

I bet. Keep at it kat, they must be out they locally. In the mean time you have us.