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  #11  
Old 11-17-2010, 06:25 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Thank you again for all your responses. Especially yours, my love.

It's been difficult to shine lately. Difficult to put into words how my love for RC and my deep want for her happiness has actually brought me pain... that I'm willing to endure. But it does hurt. It invades my purest moments. Makes me doubt myself and this path we've chosen. Reopens old wounds. Sometimes I dwell in it for a while, hoping to get to the other side and teach myself that it's only pain. Only fearful memories. Hoping to learn that there's nothing in those thoughts or the reality behind them that can actually cause me harm. It seems to help. It's a practice that I imagine will take some time. Luckily, we have the rest of our lives to get through this.
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  #12  
Old 11-17-2010, 03:53 PM
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Your sig refers to your journey.

Somewhere on this site is a thread about the theory of abundance as opposed to scarcity. There's enough love to go around. Love is infinite. The more you give, the more you get back. In your case, the more love you 'allow" your wife to give to this partner, the more you will get back. She will be more fulfilled, and a better, happier partner for you.

This takes trust of course, and a firm foundation in your relationship with her.

Lets see, what is the worse that could happen? She loves him more than you, and leaves you. Sex alone wouldnt cause this, she could fall in love with anyone else at any time anyway. This usually happens when people grow apart and goals and interests change tho, not just because they found someone better.

Now, sure, them having sex will increase their bond. He could become her secondary, and there is their NRE to deal with. But she won't leave you for him, if she really does love you. Her love for you could in fact increase, with her gratitude for your generosity in sharing her w her new lover.

In time, and with your participation, he might become a 2nd primary for her. but here is where you have some power. If you're not comfortable with that, you can work to set boundaries around how often she sees him, calls or texts him, whether she has overnights or vacations with him, etc. IF you really like the guy, and he and she continue to be in love, he could eventually move in with you as part of your family, adding a richness to your life.

Good luck!
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  #13  
Old 11-17-2010, 09:51 PM
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Hey You Guys!

RC, Catfish.... I don't have anything else to say at this moment than this. You both inspire me. Big time. With beauty. With beauty.

Wow! such, yes.
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  #14  
Old 11-25-2010, 06:11 PM
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Default Thanks.

This difficulty has been awesomely exhausting. I have learned so much about myself in the last few weeks, it's humbling. Not the least of which is that difficulty is always an opportunity for growth.

And as today is Thanksgiving, I offer thanks to this community, my endlessly loving wife, my family (this includes you) and this big, crazy, unknowable spirit of love that has always been in my life and I'm only just now learning to appreciate properly.
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Old 11-25-2010, 07:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
This difficulty has been awesomely exhausting. I have learned so much about myself in the last few weeks, it's humbling. Not the least of which is that difficulty is always an opportunity for growth.

And as today is Thanksgiving, I offer thanks to this community, my endlessly loving wife, my family (this includes you) and this big, crazy, unknowable spirit of love that has always been in my life and I'm only just now learning to appreciate properly.
So grateful. thank you... same back at you.
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  #16  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:20 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default What can I do to help?

I have hesitated to speak in plain English lately here on the forum because I am doing so much writing as it is, and having so many discussions w/Catfish that I just get really exhausted about it all, but I would like to ask for help for me and Catfish, as I think this has been the hardest few days so far.

This weekend I am spending three days with (I don't think he's been named yet) Charlie, my new love and our old friend, and Catfish is very tender knowing that we will be intimate with one another during that time. The weekend has been planned for a while, which only seems to increase CF's anxiety with every day we get closer to this event he fears so much. I understand this, and I am amazed as ever at how well he is handling it.

So far we have been coping by being available to talk to each other when we need to, spending lots of time by the fire, trying to get things done together around the house, doing fun things out with friends together and apart, writing love letters to each other, and lots of physical closeness. We have a plan in place for certain details of the weekend, checking in with each other, and hopefully, CF will make some plans to be doing something other than sitting in our house alone with his thoughts while I am away. CF and Charlie are still on friendly terms, joking around with each other on FB, and even some private phone calls and e-mails that seemed to have touched both of them deeply as they amazingly strengthen their bond despite the circumstances.
(pause for Jehova's Witnesses)

Although I really feel as if I have nothing whatever to complain about, the most challenging thing for me has been knowing how I can help or if I can help at all when CF's face goes dark and I know he is experiencing the pain of jealousy. A few times he has assumed things that weren't even happening, and did not feel comfortable enough to even ask me what was going on before he let himself go pretty far into a bad place.

I have agreed not to call or text Charlie in his presence this week, as sometimes a text will buzz in, and it doesn't matter who it's from, it sets him off. I have no desire to hide my relationship from CF, because I think that's a lot like denial and will eventually break down as a coping mechanism. I am willing to make short-term agreements to help us to transition, but I am unwilling to agree to things I don't feel are sustainable and feel to me like measures of control.

I respect CF too much to patronize him in any way, or try to manipulate his experience. I know he is strong and loves the hell out of me, and I don't want to start off hiding from any part of this experience because I feel that that is counterproductive to getting through it honestly. Furthermore, I know he believes in what we are doing, and wants to do it together, get through to the other side, and find some normalcy in the situation. It does not help that he has not as yet had a lover outside of our relationship, and feels left out on that issue as well.

And finally the question comes...

When CF is feeling jealous, hurting, on an emotional roller coaster, what else can I do to help him get to the other side? He has asked me to just hug the shit out of him, but sometimes he won't let me, and sometimes it's hard for me to be close to him when he has assumed something without asking and then needs comfort, and I am frustrated because he could have nipped it in the bud by communicating with me. I'm going to do the hugging no matter what, though, even if I have to wrestle the man down.

In the past I have dragged his feelings out of him, been the one leading the discussion from initiation to conclusion, and even been quite manipulative concerning how issues are resolved. I am unwilling to do this anymore, because it's wrong and I feel as if I have sold both of us short when I have behaved this way.

When you are feeling jealous, cranky about the whole scenario, imposed upon or threatened, what does your partner do that truly helps to put an honest smile back on your face? Maybe we just need to go through these days by feel, and accept that we can't always help each other with things that are unresolved within ourselves. Oh, but I want to help, and I feel so helpless when I see him hurting.

Thanks for reading.
-R

Last edited by Rarechild; 11-29-2010 at 03:39 PM.
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  #17  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:36 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Wow, after reading over that last post, I can summarize the situation with this sentence:

"We're doing amazingly well, but I want everything to be perfect and joyful all the fucking time."

Reality checked. Still would love any thoughts you have.

-R
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  #18  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:59 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I'm not sure how to help toher than to say that I will help in any way I can for the coming weekend before, during and after. He knows I am here as is Redpepper. PN's experience could be invaluable as well.

I think you are doing a great job going over the top with repsecting his requests leading into this weekend though. Redpepper did the same for me at our first BDSM event and my boundaries softened very quickly due to how respectful and patient she was. I'm sure Charlie can understand this as well.

Take care
Mono
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  #19  
Old 11-29-2010, 05:28 PM
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Hi rarechild. I had the honour of talking to catfish last week on the phone. I will tell you what I said to him in case it helps.

First of all the texting thing. I have found that if I am not feeling comfortable with the thought of saying out loud what my texts are to who I am with then I either don't respond to them until later or text that I am unable to respond right now. Oh boy did that end texting when I was around PN and Mono was texting me. It has been a good rule of thumb and has kept me respectful to others where texting is concerned.

Its quite a surprise that the trip you are going on is three nights long for a first time. A long time for a first over night experience, not to mention the location. Its a special place you are going and one you an CF frequent yourself I hear. I wonder if that is all part of his struggle. He says he thinks he will take a long time to get over that. I know I would be struggling with it. It would add to the pressure for sure for me. I like to reduce anxiety regardless of what I want by creating new places to go and easing up on time spent. Especially at the beginning. Babysteps into relationships seem to work better for me.

CF seems like a proud man who wants to be able to deal, but really, if you know that, then if it were me, I wouldn't push it. This isn't the time to push, but the time to do everything within your power and knowledge of your relationships to make it as easy as possible for him. Even if he says he's okay. He might be sucking it up, but that might not work out after and recentment can build really easily. Besides, what a gift to offer him boundaries that work for him entirely in cases like this. After all, you are getting a huge gift, why shouldn't he have a gift also.

A three night experience quite possibly will make it very difficult to come home after whereas an over night starter date is much easier to come home from. The reason is that there is all that time to become completely merged and connected to the point of no return. Falling into someone else becomes impossible not to do and to keep one foot with someone else is easier on an over night, giving perspective when its over. I find it very difficult to come home after three days with being with Mono. I don't think we have ever had that actually.

Coming home is HUGE I think. What are your plans for that? I find that I cannot justify staying in my gooey, lovey, emotional connection to the other the moment I see the one left at home. I don't think it is fair on them and I don't find it helpful to gush all over about the good time I've had or not. Its not my time, I have had a whole trip time of that. That moment we meet again is not mine to own, its theirs until we reconnect and I know they are comfortable, then I get to sit in my feelings and remember the lovely time I had. I find this to be very hard, but I don't think we get that luxury in poly relationships as we do mono ones.

I have more to add, but I have to get working here. Hope it helps, even if its hard to wrap ones head around and understand. More if you need it. You know where to find me.
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  #20  
Old 11-30-2010, 08:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
Wow, after reading over that last post, I can summarize the situation with this sentence:

"We're doing amazingly well, but I want everything to be perfect and joyful all the fucking time."

Reality checked. Still would love any thoughts you have.

-R
Yeah, I kinda got that. I mean, I got it from the outset of the thread. That's why I had so few words and why all I really wanted to express was that the two of you are my inspirations. It takes a lot of love of one another and of yourselves to hang with the painful shit that is being dredged up and faced within each of you and between you. Ironic, no? It takes much courage, strength, fierce tenderness, faith..., this brilliant tight rope walking (only because each step requires excuisite attention).

It's possible that CF, in some corner of his psyche, thinks he shouldn't have any of this jealousy or fear, or whatever it is. That he should be beyond that, or whatever. That that ship should have been sailed.... Water already under the bridge. But there it is, and I want him to see how loving it is toward both himself and his beautiful partner to acknowlege and face what is there, however strange it may be that it is there. By not turning away, love blooms from the muddy pond bottom. Compost stinks, but it is lovely! and beautiful.
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