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Old 11-27-2010, 01:33 AM
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Default Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

Okay, so since coming here, I have read lots of personal stories about tribes, triads, and vees (oh my!)... and quads and other various configurations for polyamorous relationships. I am learning so much and appreciating all the new perspectives and depth of revelation people have given me here. It seems that there are quite a number of of people focused on these types of relationships, ie., building families with kids, having primaries, secondaries, and so on all living together, which is great -- but so NOT what I'm into (and that may have to do with my urban lifestyle as much as anything else). So -- I am wondering about the solo poly person.

Being that I am coming out of a 10-year+ mono marriage and considering poly for myself now as a newly-minted-single-again-person, I know I'm not interested in getting married again for quite some time (if ever), and I am 50 now and have never been interested in having kids. I am beginning to love having my apartment to myself again, now that hubby has moved out, and am looking forward to enjoying my independence and getting to know myself better with some quality alone time.

I love reading about all the ways poly works for so many different people, and I keep wondering what would work for me. Not sure if I want a primary (besides myself), however that is defined. When I think about the possibility of living polyamorously, I have some images/conceptualizations that come to mind, and then it gets a little murky. Of course, what's possible in reality usually far surpasses our dreams of what we want, but it can be useful to have a picture to move toward.

So I thought I'd throw out the question for anyone out there who is unattached or considers themselves a solo poly person. What is your ideal situation? Are you already there or hoping to get there? I look forward to reading your responses while I formulate my own. Thanks!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-27-2010 at 01:37 AM.
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Old 11-27-2010, 02:20 AM
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Thanks for asking this... I have attempted to prompt conversation, at least from the sex side, but it's tough going... and... I don't get a lot of it.... I hope you get some insightful responses. I can't wait to hear more!

I would like to know thoughts on what the difference between dating and solo poly (I like this term, I have heard references to "single" but that is a bit of an oxymoron for me)...
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Old 11-27-2010, 02:44 AM
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I think my "ideal" would be a closed V or triad with 2 female partners. But I do find that to still be a little too restrictive. The best way would be to just see what happens and where it goes. Work out the bumps on the way. I may end up just being with one person at a time. It's not as if I can know when another person would come along that I wanted to be with. =] I can't tell if whoever I was already with would be ok with that until I asked either. I wouldn't leave someone I love just to "find out" if it would work with someone else. Not again. It was a terrible mistake for me to make back then. It left me feeling terrible. If only I could have known about poly back then and maybe talked it through with them both.
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Old 11-28-2010, 11:53 PM
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For me the definition of Polyamoury is the answer to your question. Many Loves. Love being the operative word here. If we (we are a couple again) find one more person and fall in love then we become a V or triad depending on orientation(?). If by some miracle we found another person that we all loved then a quad, if another couple then a quint(?). lol
And on it goes. Our ideal depends on how fortunate we are to find other Poly people that we are also lucky enough to care deeply about and it is reciprocated by them. That in itself is a minor miracle.
So long answer longer, our ideal would end up being wherever our hearts take us.
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:06 AM
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I am relatively new, not so much to theoretical poly, because a lot of compersionate sideline plots are involved in standard sci fi and fantasy genre reading, but to the practice of such in real life. I am in a committed relationship with my husband, and what other relationship or relationships? develop will have a lot to do with meeting a compatible other or others, how much time we all have, and whether we are all mature enough to not have it all blow up in our faces in a nasty way. Right now, I think I am more looking for a friend or two with the long term potential to become more, and I am not even looking that hard, because I am actually pretty good personality wise at hanging out with just me for extended periods, although I find contact with other people enjoyable and interesting.
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:18 AM
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I have been thinking about my own question since having posted it. I guess I really want to know what solo poly people fantasize about being the kinds of relationship situations/structures they want. Basically, I feel at this point in my life as I head into being a divorced person on my own, I don't want to jump into another cohabitation setup again. Not saying I won't ever, but I don't see it happening for a long while. My ideal situation would be to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life. I know this may seem selfish, but I like the idea of one of them being totally mono with me. In my fantasy, I don't feel it necessary for all of them to meet and get along, but if they did, that would be nice. I would want to be up front and honest with all of them, so that we all know what's going on and we all play safe.

A long time ago, in the early 1980s, when I moved into my first NYC apartment, a handyman working on my kitchen said to me, "Oh, a young girl like you's gotta get a few different boyfriends - one's a doctor, one's a dentist, one's a plumber, one's a carpenter, so you get everything done." It made me laugh back then, but if I think about the different sides of who I am, I would want a boyfriend that gets along with each, one intellectual, one creative, one down-to-earth, one geeky.

It's all just a fantasy, anyway.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-29-2010 at 12:46 AM.
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Old 11-29-2010, 12:50 AM
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Hi, nycindie. I consider myself a solo poly person. If I had to define my current relationship type, it would be viewed as a vee with me and the wife of my partner being close to the very top of the legs but I don't choose to label many things. I am in a relationship with a married man whose wife is fully aware. I, like you, am not interested in getting married, as it is defined in this society,(I feel it is unfair to your partners if you know you live a multi lifestyle) unless there comes a time where I can marry more than one person. My kids are 17 and 11 (teen lives with me) so I am not interested in having anymore. I, too, enjoy my own personal space and, though, I would consider investing in a single place with my partners (whenever that becomes plural), I am also just as content living separately.

Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. I, along with my two male partners, would be primary in each other's lives (men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other but I would definitely condone it) and my one female partner would be secondary. I would have regular interaction with both my male partners and probably weekly to biweekly interaction with my female partner who may or may not be permanently attached outside of our relationship and may or may not regularly interact with one of my male primaries. This committed poly quad would also have extended boundaries where we are open to sexual interaction with others but reserve our emotional attachments to each other. Yea...I know it sounds like a fairytale.
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Old 11-29-2010, 01:43 AM
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Hmmmm, this is all very new to me. I am divorced and live mainly alone, two children aged 18 and 16 ish. I am independent, secure within myself and happy to be single (ie; not re-marry at any point). I am seeing a man from abroad and he is separated, his wife knows about me and him trying to be polyamorous. I am struggling because their relationship keeps changing, she is not into polyamory and to be honest I am not sure I am. Of course, before I fell in love with this man, I thought I could be and I had many fantasies about it .... it seemed ideal. I am totally in love with him and feel if I sought to find someone else it would somehow diminish my love for him ??? At the moment I feel in limbo and sometimes due to language difficulties we get confused. Do I stick with this but keep my own options open ?? Or do I jump ship and take care of myself ?
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naivecurious View Post
Hmmmm, this is all very new to me. I am divorced and live mainly alone, two children aged 18 and 16 ish. I am independent, secure within myself and happy to be single (ie; not re-marry at any point). I am seeing a man from abroad and he is separated, his wife knows about me and him trying to be polyamorous. I am struggling because their relationship keeps changing, she is not into polyamory and to be honest I am not sure I am. Of course, before I fell in love with this man, I thought I could be and I had many fantasies about it .... it seemed ideal. I am totally in love with him and feel if I sought to find someone else it would somehow diminish my love for him ??? At the moment I feel in limbo and sometimes due to language difficulties we get confused. Do I stick with this but keep my own options open ?? Or do I jump ship and take care of myself ?
As I've heard a million times and believe it more than anything...
"Love doesn't divide, it multiplies."
You should stick with this guy and just keep your options open. It doesn't sound like you are having any major problems and you say you love him. I don't see anything there that should make you leave. =]
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Old 12-02-2010, 10:37 AM
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I'm currently in a relationship with a married couple. I started by dating him, and grew closer to her. Eventually, all three of us are dating. (Full disclosure: we've only been dating about 3 months).

Interestingly, recently he admitted that they considered a quad the ideal relationship. After reading about all the couples looking for a unicorn, I was a bit surprised. They have been poly for almost two decades, so they've had triads, V's, etc.

In time, after this relationship has developed a foundation, I can imagine adding another man... completing a quad. I've discovered that being open to whatever comes---well, amazing things happen.
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