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  #11  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Bunny - and welcome. Thanks for opening up and sharing with us. Bunch of good folks here and I think you'll find some bits of wisdom that may help.

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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
However, every now and then we keep hitting a road block to perfect happiness. Because of it, I get so depressed and don't know what to do.
Yep, as someone else already mentioned, all relationships are like this. No need to get depressed. That's just self indulgence. Just hold on to the fact that you have to work through the downs and celebrate the ups. My opinion only .....the 'ups' are worth it all


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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
....Almost all the time now, my partner get depressed over the fact that we are in a monogamous relationship. From what I can understand, he comes to resent me because he feels I am holding him back. He has dated more than one woman at the same time in the past and had threesomes, etc. He says he feels like some sort of failure because he cannot go out and flirt with other girls and have new experiences. He really is depressed over the idea of never sleeping with any other woman ever again. He is probably poly, but has never used the term to describe himself. He wants to date people to feel better about himself and because being with just me bores him (maybe partly due to his having ADD).
I think most every guy, especially at some point fairly early in a marriage/committed relationship, has this feeling. Trapped. Lots of women do too. On the one hand, reality is that you are seldom 'missing out' on as much as your imagination tries to tell you. On the other hand you MAY miss something very special. I think that's a big part of the poly realization for many. They may not be 'looking' but want to be open should something materialize. And I think that's a healthy perspective.
But the ADD etc does play a role in this for sure, and I think you both need to have honest conversations about that. It's a big player in his feeling of unsettledness.

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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
When he gets depressed, I get even more depressed. He is moody, grumpy, looks at me with disgust, won't sleep with me, hides away to smoke/read for hours, etc. It's hard to not feel like crap when he is like this.
Moods following each other - again pretty standard for being human. Especially when people are close. I'd talk about this just so everyone is aware. Unless you are cruel & uncaring, once you become aware of this, you try to balance your moods better. Teamwork........


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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Also, while I am mentally ok with polyamory, etc. (I think consenting adults can do whatever they want), I just feel like it is not for me. Personally, I think I would be perfectly ok with dating more than one person at one time, until I grew to really care about one person and then I would want to be exclusive. I say "think", because I don't really know.
Ok - let's play the "Why" game here........

WHY do you feel it's not for you ? Would you be troubled by more than one person caring for you ? List reasons why

WHY do you feel you would have to withhold yourself, physically or emotionally, from people you "care" about, just because you happened to "care" more about one on a given moment ?

What did the other do to justify your sudden rejection and abandonment?


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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
..............
Also, through out middle school and high school, I faced a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse by both girls and boys. It wasn't because I was ugly or stupid. In fact, I am almost above normal in both those categories. Possibly, since I wasn't one of the rich/popular girls, I was considered socially un-dateable and un-fuckable. Some of my friends I had were also not that great (one in particular was good at suddenly not talking to me or doing mean things behind my back).
Ok - I may seem a bit snide here but I think we need to call a spade a spade.
Jr High & HS days are some of the most torturous days of our lives (for most people) But are all those cruel, ignorant people still hiding under your bed ? Or in your closet ?
Why are you still dragging them around with you ? Because you are.
It's a choice. Total choice. Think it's time to cut them loose yet at 28 ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
...........
As a result, I hate feeling excluded, having things going on behind my back, and feeling like something is wrong with me. I am usually perfectly fine and feel self-confident, but when my partner mentions his thoughts and feelings on wanting to sleep with other women, I get very depressed.
I'd propose his 'desires' are pretty normal. I'd be a lot more concerned if he WASN"T voicing it or didn't have those desires. I'm say what you will, I'm betting you have a few of your own. C'mon......be honest here
Question is now, how do you approach perfectly normal desires in a manner that benefits your existing relationship. If it were ALL about sex, that's really a no brainer. It's ONLY sex ! Big hoooooooo.
But it's unlikely all about 'sex'. It's about growing as a person. Learning more about who we really are.

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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
I feel like I am not special, sexy, etc. I feel like I am a failure somehow.
Oh pulleeaaassseeeeee Bunny. Sorry. Not buying that for a moment Not true (I see confidence in your writing). That's a below the belt ploy

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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
I don't have the same amount of experience as my partner. I have almost no sexual experience. He has said, somewhat jokingly, that he would be happier if I were a slut and bisexual, when I am straight and really tried my best to have experiences. I feel like he is judging me as unworthy and as some sort of prude.
Ok............
Would you LIKE to have more sexual experience ? Do you feel you'd be a more attractive partner if you did ? If so, I suggest you get to it
It's not likely he's 'judging' - as much as wishing. Tell him I said 'be careful what you wish for'
A true slut is a wonderful gift to have - for people secure in their own sexuality. But once you open that gate, there's no closing it.

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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Here I was happy just to find someone to love and spend time my time with. And here I was all happy to feel very attractive to someone (finally) and he seems to be attracted to all sorts of girls. Again, I end up not feeling special at all.
Bunny, as you know, being "attractive" consists of a lot more than just looking good, being intelligent, etc. It's a whole package thing. And yep, sexuality is part of that package, especially for guys.
I think if you could cultivate a bit of your 'slut' side you'd be even happier, more confident and suddenly discover you've magically become more "attractive". But it's an illusion that it's the sex that did it. Sex can just be the tool (one of) you can use to polish the real you. The happiness, the confidence......the 'glow' of being fully alive and creating your own life makes you attractive.

Think that's enough said for now.

Keep us posted.

GS

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-28-2010 at 05:32 PM.
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  #12  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:27 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I can totally relate to this. The truth is that my lack of experience with sex on top of my mother's prudish teachings had a serious negative impact on my marriage for a lot of years. I have now been married for 19 years, but it has been really rough.
Thanks. I hope things will work out for me, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I agree that couples counceling is the best place to start and sooner rather than later. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment built up and there are things that have not been addressed between the two of you.

Do not add kids to the equation until you can get a better grip on your relationship.
We are definitely waiting to have kids. We are in no rush. I just feel like life is busy/crazy enough as it is. Add kids and more relationships - Yikes! I scared I'll be stuck with all the responsibilities while he is out having fun.

Last edited by ConfusedBunny; 11-28-2010 at 05:31 PM.
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  #13  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:56 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I think if you could cultivate a bit of your 'slut' side you'd be even happier, more confident and suddenly discover you've magically become more "attractive". But it's an illusion that it's the sex that did it. Sex can just be the tool (one of) you can use to polish the real you. The happiness, the confidence......the 'glow' of being fully alive and creating your own life makes you attractive.
Definitely this!!!! It took me until I was 35 to realize this and I know some women never do and it is an absolute shame. If you are interested, PM me for more of my details on this.

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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Yikes! I scared I'll be stuck with all the responsibilities while he is out having fun.
This is every women's fear, poly or mono. This too requires communication and negotiations. The duties and responsibilities will change as the child grows, what is fine the first 3 months won't be fine the next 6 and so on.

Marriage in itself requires constant communication. This is hard when dealing with ADD persons, because their mind will wonder when you are talking. You therefore think you have spent the last 20 minutes communicating, when he was lost after the first 5 minutes. No long monologs, ask him to repeat back what he heard you say and ask for his opinions. Also repeat back to him what you heard him say, there is a good change, there is a serious break in translation.
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  #14  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Marriage in itself requires constant communication. This is hard when dealing with ADD persons, because their mind will wonder when you are talking. You therefore think you have spent the last 20 minutes communicating, when he was lost after the first 5 minutes. No long monologs, ask him to repeat back what he heard you say and ask for his opinions. Also repeat back to him what you heard him say, there is a good change, there is a serious break in translation.
Putting down the iPhone or Blackberry and getting their face out of WoW helps TREMENDOUSLY with "communication" for someone with "ADD".
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  #15  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Putting down the iPhone or Blackberry and getting their face out of WoW helps TREMENDOUSLY with "communication" for someone with "ADD".
WoW?? What is that?
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  #16  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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WoW?? What is that?
World of Warcraft.
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  #17  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:34 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by neonkaos View Post
putting down the iphone or blackberry and getting their face out of wow helps tremendously with "communication" for someone with "add".
lol!
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  #18  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:37 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Putting down the iPhone or Blackberry and getting their face out of WoW helps TREMENDOUSLY with "communication" for someone with "ADD".
I agree with this wholeheartedly! Mind you, I've also discovered that for Possibility it's EASIER for him to communicate via the written word than it is face to face. For Breathes it's easier to communicate face to face.

It took me a while to figure out this distinction but once I figured it out things went a lot more smoothly with Possibility

Ask hubby if it would be easier for him to deal with these long conversations via the written word. He might surprise you. You might surprise yourself as well by being able to understand him better, hear MORE of what it is he's wanting to say, it might bring you closer to each other.

Possibility and I live in the same city, see each other weekly, but do most of our deep communication via text or email or IM since that is HIS strength.
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  #19  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
This is hard when dealing with ADD persons, because their mind will wonder when you are talking. You therefore think you have spent the last 20 minutes communicating, when he was lost after the first 5 minutes. No long monologs, ask him to repeat back what he heard you say and ask for his opinions. Also repeat back to him what you heard him say, there is a good change, there is a serious break in translation.
This was a bit of a "doh!" moment for me - my guy has ADD / ADHD and it took me a while to work out that, if I want to talk to him about something serious, I generally have to bring it up in small pieces 5 or 6 different times before I can get him to make a decision. If I push to finish the discussion Right Now it usually ends in a fight. Never connected that to the ADD / ADHD before.
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  #20  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Also, we want to have kids soon. I just imagine being stuck at home with them, while he is out having fun. I sometimes get to the point where I want to break up. That way he could date whomever he wanted and I could protect myself from possible future hurt.

So, given all these issues, I have a few questions. How do I feel better about myself and my past? Is there another way (besides feeling better about myself) that I can work towards being in an poly relationship? How can he help me? Also, how can I make him ok with our relationship if we never get to the point of being able to open up?

Have you or a partner had this type of a problem? What did you do?
I'm skipping right ahead and writing to you before reading what other have said, so excuse me if I repeat. I will read after and see if I want to add anything.

First of all, PLEASE, don't have a child with this man... I'm sure he is lovely but this situation you are in will most likely mean you stay at home with a kid or two and he will be out with his other ladies, or worse, cheating on you. It seems you have some major differences in the way you see relationships and that could become a huge problem later and especially with the complications of adding children, let alone other partners...

That being said, you are not a freak for the way you are made and he has no right to treat you that way. Okay, he is disappointed and that I get, but it has nothing to do with you specifically. He is just putting that on you. Most of the world is like you, so don't think that is wrong. No one is wrong, just different.

You can not make anyone "ok" with anything, they have to decide to be ok with it themselves. Just the same as making yourself okay with your past... you need to "work on it" I think... not "make it" happen.

If you have been reading here for awhile you will know that this happens to many people and that you are not alone. I suggest you AND he start reading and conversing about the really hard stuff, like what does our future hold if we want kids etc... what kind of independence will he need and you need in order to make that happen...? what will happen when he falls in love (a huge possibility)?

Quite frankly, at your age and with the life goals you seem to have, I think if I were you I would move on to someone more suitable... there are others out there that would suit the lifestyle you can have as there are for him too. You have a whole life to live, why would you want to create something that is not comfortable for you or him and then end up depressed for ever and ever...? I think I would back away slowly and gain some independence and see where is goes... that way perhaps the pain of moving on wouldn't be as difficult.
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