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Old 11-28-2010, 03:11 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Default Help! My husband wants to be poly, but I'm mono.

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting, but I have been reading this forum for a few months now (I hope this is the right place to post this...).

My marriage is not doing so good. I have a wonderful partner and we get along great most of the time. We live and work together. We have been in a loving, monogamous relationship for over five years. However, every now and then we keep hitting a road block to perfect happiness. Because of it, I get so depressed and don't know what to do.

Almost all the time now, my partner get depressed over the fact that we are in a monogamous relationship. From what I can understand, he comes to resent me because he feels I am holding him back. He has dated more than one woman at the same time in the past and had threesomes, etc. He says he feels like some sort of failure because he cannot go out and flirt with other girls and have new experiences. He really is depressed over the idea of never sleeping with any other woman ever again. He is probably poly, but has never used the term to describe himself. He wants to date people to feel better about himself and because being with just me bores him (maybe partly due to his having ADD).

When he gets depressed, I get even more depressed. He is moody, grumpy, looks at me with disgust, won't sleep with me, hides away to smoke/read for hours, etc. It's hard to not feel like crap when he is like this.

Also, while I am mentally ok with polyamory, etc. (I think consenting adults can do whatever they want), I just feel like it is not for me. Personally, I think I would be perfectly ok with dating more than one person at one time, until I grew to really care about one person and then I would want to be exclusive. I say "think", because I don't really know.

Part of the problem is, I have only ever dated one other guy. My first boyfriend was at the age of 21 and I met my current boyfriend at the age of 23 (I am now 28). I grew up really wanting a boyfriend and not having one for most of my life. And it wasn't from lack of trying - I must have asked out about a dozen guys. Only those two that did become boyfriends ever said yes. No one ever asked me out. No one in high school thought I was worth their time to even go out one single date with me.

Also, through out middle school and high school, I faced a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse by both girls and boys. It wasn't because I was ugly or stupid. In fact, I am almost above normal in both those categories. Possibly, since I wasn't one of the rich/popular girls, I was considered socially un-dateable and un-fuckable. Some of my friends I had were also not that great (one in particular was good at suddenly not talking to me or doing mean things behind my back).

As a result, I hate feeling excluded, having things going on behind my back, and feeling like something is wrong with me. I am usually perfectly fine and feel self-confident, but when my partner mentions his thoughts and feelings on wanting to sleep with other women, I get very depressed. I feel like I am not special, sexy, etc. I feel like I am a failure somehow. I don't have the same amount of experience as my partner. I have almost no sexual experience. He has said, somewhat jokingly, that he would be happier if I were a slut and bisexual, when I am straight and really tried my best to have experiences. I feel like he is judging me as unworthy and as some sort of prude.

Here I was happy just to find someone to love and spend time my time with. And here I was all happy to feel very attractive to someone (finally) and he seems to be attracted to all sorts of girls. Again, I end up not feeling special at all.

I also get upset when my partner will even just check out and flirt with other women in front of me (which he does quite often and yet won't flirt with me). How could I handle him sleeping with them, too? Just thinking about it all makes me feel neglected and insignificant. Also, we want to have kids soon. I just imagine being stuck at home with them, while he is out having fun. I sometimes get to the point where I want to break up. That way he could date whomever he wanted and I could protect myself from possible future hurt.

So, given all these issues, I have a few questions. How do I feel better about myself and my past? Is there another way (besides feeling better about myself) that I can work towards being in an poly relationship? How can he help me? Also, how can I make him ok with our relationship if we never get to the point of being able to open up?

Have you or a partner had this type of a problem? What did you do?

Thanks in advance!

PS. My husband and I have talked and talked, but seem to get nowhere. My husband thinks I'm making things more complicated than they have to be - he dismisses many of my issues and just does not seem to understand what I am going through
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