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  #11  
Old 11-28-2010, 01:48 AM
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An excuse for a really big party?

Seriously though, our daughter was nearing school age, there are a lot of legal benefits to getting married and it provided certain safeguards we found valuable.

Also, yeah, we had enough money finally to do it up in a fun way. It was great to celebrate our relationship. We've been together for eleven years and are the most stable couple in our group of immediate friends.

We couldn't see a downside to doing it, and the benefits were many.
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  #12  
Old 11-28-2010, 11:00 AM
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I'm not one for marriage at all and have never liked the idea. It's a lot of religious and political mumbo jumbo to me. That being said, many people do see it as important to show their commitment or such.

I don't see how in a poly relationship, you could only marry one person either. Surely you love everyone in the relationship? Why not marry them all? Again, I understand it's illegal in most places for polygamy, but if it's something you believe in, it's certainly worth fighting for. I think people should definitely be free to marry whoever and however many people they wish. The political side of life should stay right out of marriage and relationships in general.

I think another great way to do the same but without the complications of legal marriage and religion getting in the way, is to just have an informal ceremony. I think if any partner I was with wanted to get married, I would probably go through with an informal ceremony.
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  #13  
Old 11-28-2010, 11:22 AM
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Somegeezer, I don't know about your part of the world, but in the U.S. there are legal issues to consider, especially if children are involved.

Much of my motivation to get married was to protect my daughter and her father and to make sure that, if something were to happen to me, clear rights of inheritance and custody were established.

Were my husband and I not married he would not be as well-protected under the law in the event of my death. I could definitely see my mother trying to get custody of our daughter and my money, and wills can be contested.

Also, our medical insurance is through his job. Being married helps there, and with our taxes.
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  #14  
Old 11-28-2010, 11:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
Somegeezer, I don't know about your part of the world, but in the U.S. there are legal issues to consider, especially if children are involved.

Much of my motivation to get married was to protect my daughter and her father and to make sure that, if something were to happen to me, clear rights of inheritance and custody were established.

Were my husband and I not married he would not be as well-protected under the law in the event of my death. I could definitely see my mother trying to get custody of our daughter and my money, and wills can be contested.

Also, our medical insurance is through his job. Being married helps there, and with our taxes.
When children get involved, I understand it is very complicated there, yes. I'm not sure what that would be like here. Most likely, they would be left alone, unless the child was in obvious neglect or abuse. But that's with any relationship. I understand legal views can be quite different to here.

If it was about the mother dying and the father was not married to her, it wouldn't matter as long as he is on the birth certificate as the father. If no father is on there, it would go to godparents or whoever is in the will. If there are none, then it gets very difficult.

Again, medical issues here are waaaaay different. Quite complicated differences to really explain in a paragraph. I'm a pretty terrible writer as it is!

But yes, things are a lot different here than there, but if all things are put aside and we look at marriage directly as a form of commitment to love, I don't personally see it as something I would want to be involved in. Others dream of being married from a young age. =]
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  #15  
Old 11-28-2010, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
But yes, things are a lot different here than there, but if all things are put aside and we look at marriage directly as a form of commitment to love, I don't personally see it as something I would want to be involved in. Others dream of being married from a young age. =]
Right, I mean, who needs the sanction of the state or religion? Just because we have a legal document doesn't mean we are more committed. It changes nothing, other than we have found that we like referring to each other as "husband" and "wife" as it is a good shorthand for the degree of our commitment to the outside world.

We have a nesting, life-building relationship. No piece of paper has any bearing on that, it is something we have built together, through hard work and with patience and love.
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  #16  
Old 11-28-2010, 11:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
Right, I mean, who needs the sanction of the state or religion? Just because we have a legal document doesn't mean we are more committed. It changes nothing, other than we have found that we like referring to each other as "husband" and "wife" as it is a good shorthand for the degree of our commitment to the outside world.

We have a nesting, life-building relationship. No piece of paper has any bearing on that, it is something we have built together, through hard work and with patience and love.
Which is why I would prefer something like an informal ceremony. That way, no legal document could ever have bearing on it, even if it wanted to. I just find it unfortunate that we live in a world where "I love you" is never enough. Most likely due to its overuse by people who don't understand the true meaning of the phrase. It has made most people immune to it. They need a legal document to prove it, because their words aren't enough. But like I said. There are a few people who truly love the idea of marriage and I do not knock them. Everyone has something that works for them. =]
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  #17  
Old 11-29-2010, 01:02 AM
Iktomi Iktomi is offline
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my husband and i are new to poly... we got married first, and developed interest in poly after. but since we got married mainly because of insurance and children, we would have gotten married regardless. i'm a stay at home mom... i need my husband's insurance and the married tax status. plus we own a home together and i need the security that if the relationship goes south i won't just be kicked off the property with nothing.
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  #18  
Old 11-29-2010, 07:45 AM
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You know two Ari, PN and I were and have always been poly. 10 years in this summer. We designed our vows to indicate that we were not exclusive. We didn't intend to live together at all until it became evident that if we didn't buy a house now we never would be able to afford one here and we were right. We fully knew the likelihood of others coming into our lives and our common goal was to raise a child or two with loving chosen family. We are doing that.

There were several reasons we got married.
  • Acceptance, love, legal benefits (we had a ceremony four months AFTER legally getting married... we didn't tell anyone and just got some friends to come and sign the papers for us), we get along well on things like running a house, finances, etc.,
  • We wanted to raise children in a committed relationship and marriage proved to us that we were committed. After years of relationships that came and went I needed something that I could sink in to. I didn't believe that I could have that until I was married.
  • I found that the actual preparation and process of the marriage was a huge turning point in my life; a right of passage that is taken very seriously in our culture; I took it seriously, event though it was completely our design. I take tradition seriously and value it.

I would discuss marriage to Mono if he was up for it and PN was in agreement, but his views of marriage is that it is meant for one time in your life and one time only. He married once and that was the marriage part of his life, now he is on to a different thing... I don't see how it's different, but I would very much like to commit to him and have our loved ones witness that.

There is something very moving, and incredible when you are witnessed doing something that makes you vulnerable. There is nothing more vulnerable than a pure and rich love on a wedding day to me. I love weddings. Why not have those happy moments to share with others...

There is so much that isn't happy in our world, I think everyone should have a ceremony of some kind to celebrate themselves... weddings are very much about that; celebrating the people who are marrying. When else do we get together to tell stories about them, give them gifts, cherish their love for one another and set them up with a good foundation by agreeing that we will be their for them if times are tough. All so important I think.
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  #19  
Old 11-29-2010, 02:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thanks RP. I had forgotten you two had been poly the entire time. To be honest, even pengrah and I are a little different then the "norm". We have been open the entire time, when we married we were in an open relationship. The poly side got added about a 1 year into our marriage.
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  #20  
Old 11-30-2010, 12:11 AM
OneUncagedBird OneUncagedBird is offline
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Default Wow...

Thanks to everyone for your stories and honest answers! This was amazingly enlightening to me, which is what I was looking for. I do understand the legal ramifications and the need to protect the children, pass property on and spousal rights. That makes sense.
It also makes sense that many people come to poly after marriage, when in our society it is not something that is ever discussed as a viable option unless you happen to be around people who live a poly lifestyle. You just sort of seem to stumble upon it as a missing piece of the puzzle (to quote someone, sorry I forget who).
I also find it intriguing and thought provoking to re-examine what marriage actually means. I have been married, and I know that a piece of paper does not and will not guarantee faithfulness. And, I have come to the conclusion that a relationship will work or it won't based on the people involved and the effort put forth. Not because you stood up in a church. I have no delusions when it comes to this, but I do find it interesting that all involved have said that marriage is truly defined by the individual. Who says what it is or what it isn't? Traditional marriage had to be defined by someone somewhere a long time ago before it became a tradition, right?
In other words, I appreciate the interesting stories and the sharing of each persons journey. And, this does actually open up my field of vision in this area. I don't think I will change my mind and want to be married again, but I do understand it all better. Thanks everyone.
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