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Old 11-27-2010, 08:46 PM
koifish koifish is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 71
Default The Needy Partner: Illness and Polyamory

Hello all,
I became involved in a triad a few months ago and I find myself deeply or vaguely unhappy much of the time, but not all of the time. Sometimes it is very nice.

My fiance and I had long talked about how nice it would be for us to find a girlfriend. I am bi, he is straight. So, by some miracle, we meet a woman who would actually really like to date a couple. She is very nice, very kind, very interesting, and we both find her very cute. And she thinks we're cute too, so it sounds good all around. :-)

However, I have an illness that leaves me feeling pretty crummy a lot of the time. Though I fake it to the best of my ability, I never really feel normal. My fiance and I, before our girlfriend came along, had our own rhythms and patterns of doing things, a lot of which were based on my ups and downs. My lovely, dear, fiance would settle in with me and watch movies and shows and rub my back and cuddle on the nights (and there are too many) when I don't feel able to do anything else.

Enter the new girlfriend. Through no one's fault, from the beginning she has stayed at our house most nights during the week. She sleeps in the bed with my fiancee, while I sleep in a different room because I am a very light sleeper. I will go to bed earlier than them often because I don't have the energy to stay up as late. I wake up the next morning to find them very tired from fooling around/ having sex until late. I'll see scratch marks I didn't make on my fiance. I actually really don't like to hear that they've been having sex without me. I know this pricks up all of your poly ears out there as something I should work on not feeling. Maybe. It's so much worse when I don't feel good. I feel so left out. So left out.

When it was just my fiance and I, I was by definition on the inside. I'm not jealous of her. I'm just left out. Sad. Maybe jealous of the situation rather than the people.

When I'm sick, I am not having sex with them and they are having sex with each other. A lot of time my fiance would have formerly spent kinda shootin' the shit and comforting me he spends with our new girlfriend in the next room.

Being sick, my sex drive is sort of inconsistent. I feel inadequate sometimes. Like I'm on the outside of my fiance and my sex life, rather than on the inside, in part because our girlfriend is inclined towards sex more often than me. I feel left out of sexual intimacies and also left out of other intimacies like sleeping closely and waking up together.

I feel like what used to be mine is not anymore. I feel overwhelmed a lot. I keep waiting for me to feel as close to our girlfriend as my fiance does. I feel like that might even things out. She is very lovely in so many ways. I would like things to be working well between all of us. I don't think my fiance would leave me for her. He said it would break his heart to have to break things off with her. I don't want to hurt her at all. I really like her. But I am often unhappy, sometimes miserable.

Words of wisdom?

Last edited by koifish; 11-27-2010 at 08:54 PM.
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