Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-27-2010, 04:02 PM
OneUncagedBird OneUncagedBird is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 42
Default Perhaps because I am single....

I have a question, to new and old alike. What I don't understand is the need to make someone a husband or a wife and then have a gf or bf or a tertiary or whatever the other levels are. I understand the multiple relationships, the need to love and be loved by more than just one, I just don't understand the getting married part. No judgement on my part, just querying as to why people choose to set up the tiers and have all the labels. I am trying to understand the choices that so many people on this forum have made. I guess, I just feel like if you are going to marry, then it should be monogamous. But if you aren't going to be with just one person, then don't marry. Perhaps I am just new and naive, but I would love to have other perspectives, please.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-27-2010, 04:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneUncagedBird View Post
I have a question, to new and old alike. What I don't understand is the need to make someone a husband or a wife and then have a gf or bf or a tertiary or whatever the other levels are. I understand the multiple relationships, the need to love and be loved by more than just one, I just don't understand the getting married part. No judgement on my part, just querying as to why people choose to set up the tiers and have all the labels. I am trying to understand the choices that so many people on this forum have made. I guess, I just feel like if you are going to marry, then it should be monogamous. But if you aren't going to be with just one person, then don't marry. Perhaps I am just new and naive, but I would love to have other perspectives, please.
I think you might have the order wrong. A lot of couples fall into poly together and then deal with the consequences. In fact I can only think of one couple getting married while being involved in poly. (congrats TP...today is your day )

Also, I know in regards to my wife and her family. The social construct around marriage is exceptionally important to them. In order for me to ever be accepted and recognized as her partner in life, I would need to be married. Sometimes that construct is important in a persons life. I am her life partner, so it is something I saw as a good thing to do for her and in turn us.

When we married, we had no definition of fidelity in our vows. Does that change your opinion on marriage and being open? Marriage, in todays world, is what you make of it. It is not a religious political construct anymore. My marriage was a celebration of the love I feel for my wife. The love just doesn't include monogamy.

As a non-religious person, this is easy for me to clearly define. Others may have a larger difficulty with it.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-27-2010, 04:24 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

I have wondered the same thing.....why marry if you are not going to be monogamous to each other.

After reading on my forums & egroups over the last several years it has come to my attention that a LOT of people don't realize they are poly until after the marriage. They marry, have kids together and then decide they wish to add some spice to life. They want a third (or more) adult to round out their family. They go unicorn hunting.

They discover that unicorns, while not totally mythical in the poly realm, are darned near close to extinction in the form they want it--to love them both equally (nearly impossible IMNSHO), the single HBB who is unattached AND has no kids of her own who will also be monogamous to them both (close the relationship), having no other relationships for herself.

Some have come to poly via the route of cheating. The one cheated on loves the cheater so very much that s/he is willing to open up the relationship for that ONE person so their spouse can be happy. Some even open it up to the extent that the one cheated on develops other relationships as well.

Still others have always had these feelings of poly-ness but bent to the will of society-at-large and decided to go the path of least resistance and have a monogamous marriage. They are miserable, not all but a good portion, and go one of three routes. They cheat, they leave their spouse so they can finally be who they feel they truly are or they talk to their spouse about opening up the marriage so they can stay together AND still have other loves and relationships.

Others have come to poly through self introspection. They have started dating a poly person, have done their research and come to the conclusion that it is for them. They decide that they would rather buck society and be happy with multiple relationships than go with society and maybe be happy sometimes and live a lie.

Others have always been polyamorous since their earliest years, never imagining anything other than having multiple relationships.

In short it doesn't always happen that a poly person gets married, knowing they're poly, and continuing to have relationships after the marriage.

Yes folks, this is MY opinion and MY opinion only. YMMV and probably will. I'm looking forward to seeing others thoughts on the topic.
__________________
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-27-2010, 04:39 PM
Jade Jade is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 188
Default

Interesting thought. I began as mono. I was taught mono, believed mono, etc. We became swingers, but still carried the mono mindset (to us, sex does not equate with love). And ultimately, our poly relationship was a serendipitous result of swinging. So what I have as my foundation in this poly relationship is, essentially, my marriage. It is the solid ground on which I stand, when I reach out for new experience

I can understand your question. I guess if I were single when I began in the poly world, I might be asking it as well. We all have different journeys
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-27-2010, 06:16 PM
just3's Avatar
just3 just3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: OK
Posts: 71
Default

For us, My husband and I have been married almost 12 years. We have 2 beautiful(albeit crazy) boys together. We decided recently to add my boyfriend who is actually a ex of mine and was his best friend since early school years. It sounds odd to most people. But my BF loves me and I love him. I wont say I love my bf with the same intensity as I do my husband. With the 3 of us its natural. We have all known each other so long we just connect. I know the fact S and I are married should scream MONO! But it doesnt to us. My marriage is a priority. I talk to S about everything. have since we were teens and just best friends. He has always been my rock. My bf is the one who made me laugh instead of cry. Neither one like seeing me cry lol. It doesnt happen often. We see it as a puzzle. You cant have the whole thing with out the pieces. And this is a 3 piece puzzle. S is always my first. my bf comes next. And my bf accepts that and respects my marriage. To me my marriage is a seal between me and S that no one can break. It doesnt mean that he owns me or I him. That piece of paper doesnt tell anyone what they HAVE to do in marriage. That you HAVE to be mono. That you are to only live the way that others do. That paper just signifies a love that we wanted to make permanent in the eyes of the courts. lol I think in the eyes of many Im a cheater(of course if hubs approves...is it really) Or a slut. whatever. In the eyes of our house(which is the only thing that matters) I am loved. Im lucky. I have 2 men who love me beyond words. I have 2 men that love to please me and I love to please. All and all Im just one lucky gal to be married to the most wonderful guy in the world. And a added bonus of a boyfriend whom loves me and wants what is best.
So after this long winded thing I say everyone has a different mindset. In our house this works for us. And being Mono is no longer part of it.
__________________
She is C He is S
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-27-2010, 06:36 PM
Passport Passport is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 57
Default

For me, having come into non-monogamy after marriage, I always looked at it as something we shared.

Marriage for me is about tradition. I believe in the tradition of marriage, I wanted the white dress, and I took my husbands name after marriage. I will never marry again. He is the only one to ever be my "Husband"

We also have a d/s relationship. My marriage vows included, "love, honour and obey" (I have to be reminded about the obey part)

I wanted my children to have their father's name.

My capacity to love another or have a non-monogamous relationship is not exclusive of that. It is inclusive. I want/need family. Some is my blood family. The rest is my chosen family. My husband and family comes first in my life - and when you are a part of my chosen family, you are a part of my family for life.

I have read Redpepper's description of having a "tribe" I can see how that description fits. And I love reading her blog

So why marry? Because I wanted to. And he wanted to. And no matter what, he's my chosen family.
__________________
There are three sides to every story - yours, mine and the truth.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-27-2010, 08:26 PM
Raven Raven is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 42
Default

First, I came in to polyamory after being married; poly is the (relatively) new development in our relationship. (We were married this last summer, poly stuff came up this October or so.)

However, I think I'd go for marriage even with poly. To me, marriage is a public declaration that we are committed to doing our very best to make this relationship work for life. It's not a decision that I made quickly, or one that I take lightly. If I were to have a long-term poly relationship with second person that I felt willing to make that commitment for, I would want to have some kind of marriage ceremony or decision (although it obviously wouldn't be legal and, because of job / family issues, may not be quite as public).

Of course, the social bonuses of marriage are nice - I was getting sick and tired of being treated badly when I tried to help Mal with doctor's appointments / school business. Receptionists etc seem to be much nicer when I can tell them I'm his wife (as vs his fiance / girlfriend). Might get interesting if I find a female partner and tell them I'm her wife lol.
__________________
Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-27-2010, 08:35 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

for us,

we were swingers before we were married.
we married and remained swingers but very very select in our partners.. mostly couples we care deeply about and have NON-SEXUAL relationships with as well as sexual ones...

we never considered being poly... and now 6 years into our marriage, it's coming up... as someone pointed out in my first thread I show the signs... multiple marriages, swinger lifestyle...

why did I marry my husband... several reasons.. he wanted to have a wife (for the first time)... I wanted him to have health insurance, it made the legalities of our life easier... his daughter as my step gets health insurance and calls me mommy....he and I are committed to each other in a way I can't imagine being committed to someone else like...

IF he and I agreed to walk away from swinging and poly (and we still may) we would be fine... POLY and swinging enhances our life...
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-27-2010, 09:09 PM
sunflowershower sunflowershower is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 17
Default

I feel the same way about marriage being what you make it. To us, it's a sign of commitment. Neither of us are religous, so it has nothing to do with that. It's just a symbol that we choose to be with each other forever. We are in love and know we can't live without each other. That doesn't mean that we don't still want someone who will be as equally important to us. With us, if we find someone else, we want to all be equal in the relationship, not just be a married couple, who has a girlfriend, just because that's what society may say it is.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-28-2010, 12:56 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,426
Default

I got married because Maca needed marriage for a sense of security. If that piece of paper helped, so be it.

There is no "level" or "designation" of whose more or less important for me.
Husband/boyfriend/lover/sister
whatever.

They're my chosen family and I love them.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:26 PM.