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  #11  
Old 11-12-2010, 12:05 PM
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Smile Silver Linings :D

Thanks RP

Not too fond of the good old brick wall scenario - but am very familiar with it

On the upside (to me) T's facebook profile picture has resumed its ever changing appearance. K doesn't see it as a good thing - says that T is living by proxy essentially. I see it as keeping the channel open?? I suppose - while T figures out what he wants from all this.
Though I have to admit his latest pic has me confused - the cover art to the song "November Rain" by Guns N Roses. Not a happy song - which is to be expected but the lyrics send the most confusing messages - back and forth all over the place... add to that that the video is based on a short story in which the bride committs suicide...
V.Confusing especially as he chooses these things very carefully, so now I am curious about which message in the lyrics he is sending... and hoping that the following song doesn't appear (November Rain was no 2 in a trilogy - the third had Axl (as the main character) committing suicide himself...) very dark and dreary and likely is simply telling me he needs space still *sigh* just wish he would write to us, talk to us would be even better.

And to update on my own thoughts, I have decided to write a letter to both K and T setting out the answers to all the questions - both by K and RP, as they stand in my heart and mind at the moment, and make clear that that is my wish not what has to be... and go from there...also making clear to T that while a response would be appreciated that I don't expect one until he is ready to give one, and that I understand that may be never...

It is this decision which has restored my spirits lately (I am having some bad days medically speaking, pain tablets are only taking the edge off and it looks like I'll have to take sleeping tablets tonight), being able to promise myself honesty to myself, as well as my loved ones has brought me a great deal of peace. Decisions are such freeing things...

Now to figure out the answers
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  #12  
Old 11-18-2010, 03:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Sounds like you got a real smart girl there RP.

And I'd have to agree with her...it's something I see far too often in lovely self-less people...that they go too far taking care of others that they forget to take care of themselves. The rub of course is that eventually they wear down and have nothing left for others because of it. Vicious little catch-22.
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THAT IMAGINARY!!!! That is one of the TRUEST and most heartfelt quotes I EVER read! And what Redpepper said about taking care of others being a way to take care of yourself simultaneously...so true. Just want to say a balance is MUCH needed FlameKat.

I've seen what being too selfless can to over time - short term AND long term. So take the time and do what it takes to figure it out. You can't do much else until then effectively.
I wish you the best. Thanks everybody cuz i'm learning too!
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  #13  
Old 11-22-2010, 08:50 PM
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Default Still figuring it out....

LOL - arrived in Canada last week and have been having a terrible time with jetlag.
That whole looking after myself concept just doesn't sit solidly in my head - I have to look after others in order for me to feel good. That said - I am not a doormat or anything like that - just that in order for me to feel loved I need to be free to love the way I do. And right now that need is not being met, both because of the communication cut off with T and also with me trying to figure out just what I want.

Which I have figured out. But now have to work up the guts to tell K. I am very nervous about doing this -what I wish for is close but not the same at all as his dreams for us - mine include someone else as well as us...
And I have really and truly had enough of the silent treatment from T - I know he is watching my fb, I know he is communicating via his picture changes... so just talk to us already aaargh...

And knowing what I want - doesn't answer the questions of how to achieve what I want, nor does it answer the questions I know K will have... and it sure as hell doesn't make him feel good...

I am also stewing over T's latest picture - it is of a front door with christmas decorations etc all around it - all very welcoming ... my problem is I think it's an invitation for us to contact him ... when he's the one who walked away in the first damn place ...sounds petty I know, but to be frank - I am rather tired of him always getting to play from the safe side of things... and us always being the ones to stick our necks out...

Aaargh, I don't know what to do and if I did I wouldn't know how to go about it :P
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  #14  
Old 11-22-2010, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

Derby said once and I think she is right, "everyone in your life can leave, but you can't leave yourself" you are number one. That to me, would be where to start first... taking care of myself in whatever way works.
Reading this again it hit me... I am very very empathic... and the whole way I work is based on others being around... If everyone around me left... I would be lost, I would have no-one to help... (and while I would appreciate the reprieve from feeling others around me... I would retreat into myself and at the same time out into the wonder of nature.... a lovely lovely dream... but not very practical :P) I NEED to have others around me for me to focus and be who I am...

not very coherent but I think I got my point across...
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  #15  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:09 PM
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Unhappy

So I have gotten my letter written out and ready to send.. after a number of rewrites and hack jobs it ended up at 5 pages long - typed... *sigh* I talk way too much....

Everything in it was important to me to say... so hopefully it comes across the right way... K called me from work just as I was finishing it up... and noticed the stress in my voice, so we are sitting down to talk about it tonight - which will be me showing him the letter... following which I will be sending it to T as well... GULP..

Being authentic and vulnerable sure as hell aint easy... this has to be one of the hardest things I can remember doing... I am absolutely terrified of how this will go. Yeah they both already know how I feel... but this is kinda for me my last straw.. if K can't deal with the reality of it... I really don't know what I'll do... if T doesn't respond but K is okay I'll survive... but if they both go down the gurgler... Its going to be one hell of a rocky road *NOTE: major understatement*

Think happy thoughts for me tonight guys.. I am absolutely petrified
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  #16  
Old 11-26-2010, 03:11 PM
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Good luck flamekat.
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  #17  
Old 11-26-2010, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Good luck flamekat.
I ditched.. couldn't do it last night... building myself up to it... I have attached the letter to an email and am going to hit send any second now - the email has instructions to NOT READ AT WORK...

maybe I shouldn't send it it til he is on his way home...

I am such a coward.
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  #18  
Old 11-27-2010, 02:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
I ditched.. couldn't do it last night... building myself up to it... I have attached the letter to an email and am going to hit send any second now - the email has instructions to NOT READ AT WORK...

maybe I shouldn't send it it til he is on his way home...

I am such a coward.
Well? Did you send it?...inquiring minds need to know
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  #19  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:29 PM
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Unhappy Yeppers!

Yes indeed i did hit the send button...

I forgot that I have his blackberry while I am in Canada though - so he didn't receive it until we were sitting down watching a movie, and he got a phone call from his brother...

I just couldn't bring it up myself...

So cowardly way of him getting the letter - he got it in the end... We had a good long chat, and cleared up some misconceptions and some mishandled communications on my part...
We have slightly different ways of speaking - he is very precise with the words he chooses whereas I am more descriptive and also suffer from Speech Dysphasia - which essentially means there is no direct link from my brain to my mouth...
So... the upshot is... he is feeling angry... I think... we need to talk some more, a lot more. But, he is at a place where he is feeling very angry with his friend, as well as me... also at a place where he doesn't want to mend his relationship with T, and wants me to focus on us and the kids right now...
which is of course very logical and what I need to do...but I still have the question of T in my mind... I need to at least be able to talk to T, and if that is going to hurt K then I am in a quandary... I really don't want to push the issue... but for my own sanity, just the sheer amount of shit I have to get through in the next year let alone all the crap from my past... I need T's support as well as K's... and this is all moot - cos T isn't bloody talking to us.
Anger aside, K is the most amazing man for accepting this (lol - I know there are plenty of other men out there who accept this, just saying K is to me the most amazing )... for being able to love me through this - I don't know that right now I could extend the same consideration to him... (Okay I could - but it would bring up so much baggage it would be like moving through superglue)

We hit a spot last night that has really bothered me... it was such a little thing... K turned the light off before I had even noticed he was getting ready for bed... then asked me if I was coming to bed (I was on my laptop)...

This triggered me off... made me feel like I was doing something wrong for sitting on the laptop, made me feel pressured to go to bed, and also triggered off some very bad memories from my marriage... *sigh* opposite sides of the bed... we talked about it a little... got to the point where I was explaining what was wrong (we had been talking back and forth for a little bit trying to figure it out) and I said, and had developed a tone, to not assume I am F*cking around on the laptop... at which point he got up and left the room telling me if I wanted to talk to P (my ex), I could do that...

I shut down due to the fact he had walked out while I was dealing with this stuff... I hate dealing with trigger points...we ended up finishing our talk... but there has been damage done... I am not sure yet how much or exactly what the damage is yet. I think it's possible that he has unresolved stuff from our poly talk (which hasnt been continued yet) that is coming out with this other stuff - just he doesn't want to bring it up or maybe doesn't realise himself...
Turning the light out without checking if I was packing up was so out of character for him... stupid thing to get upset about too...

*confusion is reigning supreme right now*
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  #20  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:47 PM
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Default and frankly...

It also has me really steaming that K feels and thinks that a large part of my attraction to T is simply that they are so similar... yes they are but they are also very different...
T has an uncanny knack of being able to find the trigger point I need to deal with next, trigger it and then push through it with me - very painful, but very very good...
K seems to see that as me having a sick need to be hurt... something I picked up in my marriage maybe...

I see it as me needing to heal and someone who doesn't walk away after triggering me off...

aaaaargh... except of course for this last doozy where T isn't talking to either of us *big gosh-darned growlies*
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