Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 11-25-2010, 07:06 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

It's not babysitting when you are caring for your own children! I understand the resentment though if one parent is able to have "grown up time" and the other parent is always left with caring for the children.

Nightwalker, would you feel better if you were given one full day a week to pursue something of interest to you? To me that seems like a fair compromise. It sounds to me that you really need some time away to be yourself and to not be Daddy for a while.

This kind of thing still happens when people are monogamous. One partner can have a hobby or friend or job that takes them away from the family for long periods of time during the week. Is this other relationship healthy for your girlfriend? If it is try to shift your focus from it being another relationship to your need for time away as well and time as a family.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 11-26-2010, 08:07 AM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 18
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It's not babysitting when you are caring for your own children! I understand the resentment though if one parent is able to have "grown up time" and the other parent is always left with caring for the children.

Nightwalker, would you feel better if you were given one full day a week to pursue something of interest to you? To me that seems like a fair compromise. It sounds to me that you really need some time away to be yourself and to not be Daddy for a while.

This kind of thing still happens when people are monogamous. One partner can have a hobby or friend or job that takes them away from the family for long periods of time during the week. Is this other relationship healthy for your girlfriend? If it is try to shift your focus from it being another relationship to your need for time away as well and time as a family.
That would be fine but gf is always telling me to go off and do my own thing as if I am not wanted. our daughter is not 2 yet do I just think we need to take it easy for a while. I feel like I am living with two daughters Now and I am trying to be play Dad to my gf who is now acting like rebelious teenager. what do people think of my boundaries of we only see one other SO at a time and we keep these other relationships vanilla
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 11-26-2010, 09:21 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,260
Default

Do you clearly express to her how you feel and what you need? I may be wrong, but I have a hunch you are biting your tongue and not saying everything you need to in a direct way. Instead of starting off the conversation with the changes you want to make in your boundaries, what about telling her how you feel? You know, like: "I feel unwanted when you tell me to go off and do my thing. I feel unappreciated for all the work I am doing. I feel that our family's needs are being discounted. How can we balance this? I need to feel that you are investing as much into our relationship and our child as you are in this other person. I'm not comfortable with how you're handling this. I need your help and to be focused on planning the wedding." Things like that. Don't pussyfoot.

It's also possible that this sense you have that she's ignoring you, your child, and the things that are important to you are perhaps more your own perception and not what the reality is. But you won't find out without sitting down and discussing it directly and succinctly. Ask for time to be heard. I keep picturing her running out the door while you're trying to talk to her, but I don't know if that's just how you painted it.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 11-26-2010 at 09:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 11-26-2010, 03:13 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
That would be fine but gf is always telling me to go off and do my own thing as if I am not wanted. our daughter is not 2 yet do I just think we need to take it easy for a while. I feel like I am living with two daughters Now and I am trying to be play Dad to my gf who is now acting like rebelious teenager. what do people think of my boundaries of we only see one other SO at a time and we keep these other relationships vanilla
What do you mean by keeping the other relationships vanilla? Do you mean no kinky sex? If so I'm wondering what difference it makes what kind of sex people are having with each other.

Unfortunately to me your boundaries are still sounding an awful lot like an ultimatum. I think you would be better off voicing what your needs are and asking her to meet those needs for you rather than trying to take something away from her that she values.

I think your girlfriend may have a different perception of what it takes to be a good parent. She might need that time away to reconnect with herself so that she doesn't start feeling lost in being a parent while losing her own identity (I'm projecting here because that's how I felt early on before I reconnected with myself). When she is with you and your daughter is she engaged and interested in being there?

I have more to say but unfortunatlely it's time for work.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 11-26-2010, 03:48 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

This sounds like a whole lot of NRE on her part and a desire to have her old life back again. I can relate to that big time. I felt the same way after two years of child rearing, it sucked and I felt really worn down. I was not a good baby mumma. I am a rockin boy mumma now though, I just didn't dig the baby thing. Maybe I should of played with dolls more. I wasn't a big doll player either, I dunno, whatever, the fact of the matter is that she seems to need this for some reason. You are a symbol of what she wants to run away from perhaps as you are the Dad...

I would ask her if this is what is going on. Then ask her what you can do to help make her feel like her roll as a Mum is needed, appreciated and necessary. It's not just you that is missing out on her, it's your daughter, and that isn't okay even more. NRE is all fine and dandy and fun, but it has to be sucked up to parent and be a good partner. I had to do it, and so does everyone else. We do not have the luxury of being a single monogamous child free person anymore. If we wanted that then we shouldn't of had kinds and shouldn't be poly.

I would suggest a search on here for NRE. There is a lot on here that is really good info and insight. I would also suggest that you partner start reading also... or at least create and opportunity to tell her what you have learned and what you think.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 11-26-2010, 07:32 PM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

As some one who is involved with a member of a married couple (we began dating shortly before their wedding) I would advise you to make a decision and not play with the gf's heart. she has feelings. I probably shouldn't get going on this one bc it's a sensitive topic right now. But it can be very hurtful when a relationship has to end because a third party is not comfortable with it.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 11-26-2010, 07:33 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
As some one who is involved with a member of a married couple (we began dating shortly before their wedding) I would advise you to make a decision and not play with the gf's heart. she has feelings. I probably shouldn't get going on this one bc it's a sensitive topic right now. But it can be very hurtful when a relationship has to end because a third party is not comfortable with it.
Agree 100%
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 11-27-2010, 03:04 PM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 18
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
What do you mean by keeping the other relationships vanilla? Do you mean no kinky sex? If so I'm wondering what difference it makes what kind of sex people are having with each other.
This might sound silly to some people who are into bdsm but seriously I never agreed to bdsm when she brought up poly. I said early on that I didn't want her tied up in SO's house as he lives in a remote location two hours travel from were we live. I don't really know anything about bdsm and would prefer if we explored bdsm or group sex or anything like that together for the moment until I can get my head around it all and that she sticks to safer vanilla sex for the moment. Her SO is big into having women being submissive to him and playing dom role.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 11-27-2010, 03:16 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
This might sound silly to some people who are into bdsm but seriously I never agreed to bdsm when she brought up poly. I said early on that I didn't want her tied up in SO's house as he lives in a remote location two hours travel from were we live. I don't really know anything about bdsm and would prefer if we explored bdsm or group sex or anything like that together for the moment until I can get my head around it all and that she sticks to safer vanilla sex for the moment. Her SO is big into having women being submissive to him and playing dom role.
Ah got it. I think it's fair to talk to her about wanting her to be safe. Is bdsm something that you're interested in exploring? If it isn't really something that you want to do personally you might be better off talking things through with her frequently and adjusting the boundaries that way rather than engaging in any activities that you're not really into yourself.

How well do you know her other partner? Are you willing to spend some time with each other and without her getting to know each other on a personal level.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 11-27-2010, 03:35 PM
Penny's Avatar
Penny Penny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 143
Default

If she has never been the submissive in a sexual relationship before, she might be experiencing sub frenzy (sometimes called sub fever) in addition to new relationship energy.

Tapping into submissive energy can be an overwhelming experience and, just like NRE, can interfere with rational thought and distort perceptions.

Educating yourself about dominance and submission would be a good place to start, as far as understanding where her head is at now and how to deal with it.

Your concerns for her safety are totally valid.
__________________
.
Hinge of a V relationship with my husband (Thumper) and boyfriend (T-Rex). Also, mother of a 6 y/o girl by my husband.

My poly story begins here. Now with new blogging action!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
children, descriptions

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:28 PM.