how to avoid the un-ethical sluts

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by StitchwitchD

I'm still disappointed in myself, but I think it turned out to have been the right choice for our relationship long-term. I trusted him to do the right thing, I was honest, I told him what would make me more comfortable, I didn't judge him.

Did he ever do the right thing and tell her or are you still waiting on him to do the right thing? (Whether or not she does the right thing has nothing to do with his failure to do so.)

[aLABiMCpl]

Been thinking, this has to be common.... I know it was for us when we first started looking and every time since.

We are both honest people, probably to a fault, and expect the same in the people we associate with.
If they are holding something back and will not explain why.... We move on before we can get to emotionally attached.

[nycindie]

This is an interesting thread. Of course, it seems obvious that if someone wants you to meet their SO, they are probably being at least that honest with you about being poly. Wondering: how soon after you meet a poly person do you expect to meet their SO?

Let's say you "meet" someone online and chat for a few weeks, hit it off, and things look good, so you finally want to meet. Is it proper to meet them alone without having met the SO first (of course, taking necessary safety precautions for setting it up)? Or is that frowned upon? Do you ask to meet them together first? I would think that maybe meeting the SO first isn't always needed, because you could get together with this person and find you have no chemistry whatsoever, then it would be a moot point to get the SO's approval. I know every couple has their own ground rules, just wondering if there is a sort of poly etiquette out there.

[TheBlackSwede]

My wife doesn't WANT to meet any of the other ladies in my life... I'm still working on this, but I'm pretty sure once she's met one, it won't be such a big deal. In the meantime, if everyone I met assumed I was cheating because I told them my wife didn't want to meet them, I'd be hosed.

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I would think that maybe meeting the SO first isn't always needed, because you could get together with this person and find you have no chemistry whatsoever, then it would be a moot point to get the SO's approval.

Well, look at it the other way: you hit it off with that person, introduce them to your SO, and they hate each other. Now you can either break up with someone you liked and feel bad about it, or have your two partners hate each other's guts and you're caught in the middle.
In my opinion, it's better not to get invested before you can make sure that everyone would get along. Meeting the SO for me isn't a "hey, let me introduce my new GF/BF to you" kind of thing, it's a "hey, meet this person I like and tell me what you think". Actually, I'd want the SO meeting to happen even before you start pursuing the other person (although it doesn't have to be face to face), just to know how it's feeling and get a green light (or not).

Plus, I think it would be intimidating for the other person. I mean, I can't imagine telling a guy "hey, hi, I like you, I'd like to try and go further in our relationship, but wait, I need to introduce you to my husband first and know how he feels about it".
Seems much easier for me to all make friends first before we decide if we want to take it further.

This being said, the way I work isn't the way other people work, and I wouldn't say it's the one right way to do things. It's just the way that would make me most comfortable. When I ended up getting closer to Sean unexpectedly, it was very weird because I had to tell him "stop, let me check with Raga and I'll get back to you" and if he hadn't been poly himself I'm not sure how that would have worked out, to be honest. Could turn someone off I'm sure.

[nycindie]

Thanks for the responses so far.

Originally Posted by Tonberry

In my opinion, it's better not to get invested before you can make sure that everyone would get along.

But I'm not even talking about making an investment in someone more than just meeting them and getting to know them a little or, if it's something that starts online first, getting together to see if you're really even attracted to them or not. I totally understand meeting the SO if there's something we want to pursue, but I'm curious about diplomacy in the very beginning stages, before you even know whether or not you want to invest/pursue.

[Tonberry]

It's a bit hard for me to picture that kind of thing, since I usually start with falling in love with someone, at which point I'd tell my partners before doing anything else.
But I see what you mean. I think it might also depend on each relationship and the way it evolves.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I usually start with falling in love with someone, at which point I'd tell my partners before doing anything else.

You mean, like love at first sight? I'm confused. I'm just talking about when you first meet someone and still trying to figure out of you're interested in pursuing. I guess it just depends on every situation and the agreements that are in place. Was just wondering if it's still ethical to make a date with someone who has a partner or primary without having to meet that partner first.

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You mean, like love at first sight? I'm confused. I'm just talking about when you first meet someone and still trying to figure out of you're interested in pursuing. I guess it just depends on every situation and the agreements that are in place. Was just wondering if it's still ethical to make a date with someone who has a partner or primary without having to meet that partner first.

No, no, I mean that I'd tell my partners I'm in love before I decide if I want to pursue it, since their input will matter. Plus this way if I do want to pursue it, they can help me. Similarly, my husband told me when he was in love and I helped preparing a special meal (he did most of it), I made her a stuffed toy (long story) and so on, all before he asked her out (sadly, she turned him down).

I like being part of the courtship process of my partner's interests, and I definitely need a lot of support when I'm interested in someone (he hasn't sent me an email back! Should I write again? What do you think? What should I say?).
The idea of first asking someone out to a date or even more, and THEN only introducing them to my partners wouldn't work very well for me, what if the date works well but my partners think we can't include that person in our relationship? Being already so invested would break my heart :S

[nycindie]

Funny, I don't think of a date as that much of an investment. To me, it's a chance to get to know a little bit about someone and see if I want it to go anywhere. How do you fall in love with someone before you get to know them?