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  #21  
Old 11-23-2010, 10:04 PM
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[QUOTE=Breathesgirl;53582]
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I'm gathering from your words, LR, that Maca isn't OK even with private displays? If he doesn't see it then it isn't 'real' so he can just keep going as though everything's hunky dory, he's the ONLY man in your life apart from the kids.
Correct-thus why I said it was just polyamory in words, not actions.

I find this very absurd.

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I'm curious, are your definitions of public and private the same?
I'm not sure. I know for me it depends to some degree. I would deem anything out of the house public for certain.
SOMETHINGS I would deem private at home as long as it's just the household here, but there are other things that I would say need to be ONLY one on one in order to be "private".

GG and I don't kiss beyond a peck in front of Maca either way. We DO NOT make out in front of him ever.
We do hug-he gets attitude every time, but I do it anyway-because I hug EVERYONE. I hugged Mono and RP the first time we met in person. I just hug.
We don't cuddle up together in front of him.
Even when he's organized "cuddle" times for the three of us-we don't cuddle. I will put my hand on his arm or chest, if we're under blankets in a MACA arranged cuddle time I will put one foot by GG's.
That's it.
Literally.


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Much hugs. I hope he settles this for himself soon so you can go back to living your life happily.
Me too. I hate seeing him hurting and I hate the constant strain of tension and stress.

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As an aside: I'm enjoying reading your blog and seeing the process you're going through trying to get through this.
I'm glad someone is. I haven't been very good about writing the last two weeks. It just got overwhelming. It's hard to find the energy to write when I feel like I'm drowning in hopelessness.

But I'm glad that when I write it's getting read.
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  #22  
Old 11-23-2010, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's the EXACT same way my stepson behaves-a behavior Maca is putting the kid into counseling (again) for....
This is a very hard way to face some of your own deficiencies. Been there done that! However, trying to get a handle on my kids issues has helped me be able to recognize it in myself easier and therefore do something about it sooner.
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  #23  
Old 11-23-2010, 10:08 PM
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Yeah-he's struggling with that. He's starting to see that the behaviors he detests in his son, are learned from his current behaviors.
I can only imagine.

I (so far) have managed to not have that experience. It's taken a LOT of work, making myself hold myself accountable when I REALLY didn't want to, like, didn't FUCKING WANT TO, but doing it anyway.

Sometimes I admit-I feel like just doing the things I FEEL like doing (or saying) instead of forcing myself to do/say the RIGHT thing every time because it feels like I'm doing it alone.
BUT-I've tried and I can't pull it off.
I can't handle the guilt.
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:28 PM
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Yeah-he's struggling with that. He's starting to see that the behaviors he detests in his son, are learned from his current behaviors.
If he can see the relation with his kids behavior and his own, that is a huge step. I'm not sure my dad ever did, but it was a huge eye opener for me. It is still a huge struggle and I imagine it will be for the rest of my life. My family makes a point in pointing certain things out to me - as much as it pisses me off at the time, it's probably a good thing. I'm hoping that my son being able to recognize our similar issues and how he doesn't like it in me anymore than I do in him will help him as he gets older.

The feelings and initial reactions are hereditary, our solutions and actions to those feelings are learned. They can be controlled, but it only gets harder the longer we wait.
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  #25  
Old 11-24-2010, 06:42 AM
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I can identify a little with Maca because I tend to do the same thing when I am struggling with something - I am ok with it in theory and then when it's happening in real life I have a harder time dealing with it. In my brief and disastrous poly relationship I ended up with a big difference between how I *wanted to feel* and how I *felt.* Is Maca like that about other things as well? I would not be surprised if this is less of a poly thing and more of a general difficulty he has in processing emotional responses and having realistic expectations for himself and what he can handle.

For what it's worth, I have done the back and forth thing for more than 14 months (not about poly)... so I can sympathize with Maca on that too. And from seeing my fiance having to support me through that, I can sympathize with you too! Some people just take a long time to process things, I think, but I don't think this length of time means that he will never get better or come to a more favorable resolution.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in figuring this out.
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  #26  
Old 11-24-2010, 08:37 PM
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Yes Rabbit-he is like that in MANY areas of his life.

In fact we discussed this night before last-that he refuses to stick with any decision (except his career path). He flips back and forth-endlessly.

It makes him crazy, it makes me crazy.


There is no "giving up".

I don't believe in divorce and I don't believe that Love gives up.
SO,
I'm not leaving.
Just trying to find the spot where I can be healthy and happy and allow him the space to be miserable until he does make a choice.
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  #27  
Old 11-25-2010, 06:44 AM
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Wow,

Um I feel a little over cooked. This is LR's vent thread so I will refrain from posting a long reply. She is a very loving and patient person and I do love her. That is all I will say at this time. Opening my mouth when I feel hung on a cross has ALWAYS caused me more heart ache and trouble.


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  #28  
Old 11-25-2010, 08:29 AM
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You are sitting on the loveseat "blended" with me right now.
I love you M.
Someday you are going to figure out that it doesn't matter if you are "worthy" or not. Only that I DO love you.
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  #29  
Old 11-25-2010, 03:21 PM
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Ok, I haven't read ALL of the replies yet. (sorry)

BUT...I DID see the part about how neither of the men involved want to see the other doing PDA's in public. Thats absurd. I LOVE PDA's. Absolutely LOVE them. I love holding hands...kissing...ass grabbing...the whole gambut.

I also noticed how one doesn't want you going out with the other while he's at work. I'm the same way. I don't want my wife L, to go on dates with her boyfriend while I'm at work. I don't know why, but it drives me absolutley batty thinking about it. It's strange, because I don't have an issue with them going out alone. Just going out alone while I'm at work. It drives ME just as apeshit as it does L. She respects me and doesn't do it, but doesn't UNDERSTAND it. I don't either. So it's difficult. But the rule applies to me as well. I don't go out on dates with my gf while L is working. I also don't invite my gf over to visit me on my lunch breaks at work unless L is there.

L and I have been married and tied at the hip for 20 years....It could be why. DUNNO.
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  #30  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
BUT...I DID see the part about how neither of the men involved want to see the other doing PDA's in public. Thats absurd. I LOVE PDA's. Absolutely LOVE them. I love holding hands...kissing...ass grabbing...the whole gambut.
No, Only Maca has issues with me showing affection to GG and it doesn't matter if it's public or not.

GG has no issue with me showing affection to him or Maca in public or not in public. He just tends to NOT show any SEXUALLY suggestive affection in public (or in front of Maca ever).

Maca LOVES to show sexual affection, explicit and suggestive all of the time, especially in front of GG.
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